281. The end and beginning.

Its been some time since I last posted a blog. Something that I realized the other day is this point of self honesty about my life, this process, my starting point within it.

I noticed that much of what I am doing is based still within this point of compulsion. I have not been willing to fully give up the mind, I do not WANT to change, but I have been seeing that doing the writing, doing the assignments, apparently changing myself has not been for me as me. Rather it became clear that not much within my life has been a point of being self supportive in this way, rather it being something that I do to just to fit in, or to appease another being/the group, or to make it seem like I have passion or skill in an area so as to give myself some kind of status. But that status is all based in competition. Underneath it I am scared, scared to fail, and scared that I have already failed and I am not worth a damn. The writing so far has given me a feeling of some release from this but still its just a feeling and has not really been something that I have found to be a point of walking with self-trust and self honesty. I keep falling back into doubt.

The negative point of fear around failing is really the driving point here, the point where I look for areas where I can have success, influence, and fame, to drown out the fear of being worth nothing. I instead always going into this point of being accepted, and valued by others as my primary point of self-definition.

So it stands to reason that I should be able to see that this needs to stop. I have to stop feeding the way that I live my life by way of the acceptance by others. Stand up and live for me as the starting point, realizing that as life, that is the way that I will actually become satisfied with myself.

This I can see as one of the points that has been holding me back within my writing lately, not really knowing where I am going. Where I stand. Because I just realized, that most of the time the writing was not really coming through as myself, as my true realizations. I have just been placing an image up to gain others acceptance and in the background just doing my own thing still carrying on in the mind.

I see that on some level I do not want to subject myself to the effort, and just remain comfortable. That has been my way for some time. And in starting this process I found that comfort would be challenged, I was going to have to face these points all eventually. And recently it has been more challenging because I realized that I have been doing the process so far without self honesty, only suppression of the points that I have held addictions to. I have made a little progress, but not much. The break being that I have not really come to a decision to live here as life. Yet.

Skateboarding has been one of those areas where I have seen the most complete change, I do not feel compelled about going skateboarding, I have left that area of myself behind in sense, where once in a while I will go riding but the NEED to get better, to place myself in that world is mostly gone, there are a few remaining points left to cover but for the most part I have made some interesting revelations about who I have been within skateboarding and it has kind of opened up the view on the other areas of my life in which I still define myself by something that do or believe that I am.

Recently though I have been having some similar experiences as what was once skating has now moved on to my life in cooking. This is another area in which I have been have pushed myself to excel, to become greater and recognized. But unlike skateboarding, this has also been my entire working life. This is something that I have tied to my livelihood, and now that skating has stopped being the focus of my dreams if you will. I noticed especially that cooking/chefing has really been ramped up within my mind as “something that I have to pursue”. Now I am not saying that I know if I should or should not, but this is something that I can investigate and look into.

I just got a new job in a restaurant and have a substantially more amount of time that is available to me during the day because of commuting times being cut down by three hours per day. So I am going to close this blog down and start on a fresh foot with a new one, this time with the understanding that this really has to be about finding myself within this instead of just doing this to be a part of the group/some moralistic point, and understanding that in stopping the mind, I can bring myself back from a place of self-interested preservation to living as all as one and equal.

280. Learning about knowledge.

What is the purpose here in learning and knowledge? As I see within my own experience it’s always been like a race of some sort. I have in the past really thrived within myself as the mind and considered the accumulation of knowledge to be the prime thing that would get me ahead in this world and give me that edge over others in competition. This obviously is all based within fear, fear of survival, fear of obscurity, and fear of death. I want to stand out, live on in time, be immortal.

An interesting thing within this as for all the accumulated knowledge within my brain, firstly I would be hard pressed to remember much of it in any coherent way, and secondly there is point of what use has it provided within my life? What is the purpose of learning and knowledge? Currently it was mentioned within one of my chats to let go of all knowledge. Let go of what I have learned is my idea about my life, what I should be doing, where I should be, how I should be. And see what remains.

Interesting, I have always been of a cerebral set of the mind, intellectualizing¬†everything. I see how this has really backed me into a corner, were the old adage “knowledge will set you free”, has actually locked me up and misplaced the key.

So where/what does learning and knowledge come into play within this process. Self honesty is the point to remember here. Oneness and equality as life is the other. Where I can walk through my day where I can express within any given moment the equality with life. This I realize is currently not fully implemented within my life, I have not figured it out yet. But that is the point of self honesty where I can ask myself if I am doing as much that I can to bring this to fruition within myself. That I see is the role of learning and knowledge within my life. What are the areas of learning and becoming knowledgable that will allow me to become the most effective in becoming clear within myself. Like downloading the information that is required to learn how to stop downloading and delete the already downloaded.

Learning enough within my process to see the relevance and common sense in taking action within my day-to-day living to stand as my actual potential. Do I know what that potential is? Currently, no. But that comes within the act of walking, already I see that I am capable in moving past entrenched belief systems of “I can’t/I’m not” within me. So it is about the action, the self honest movement of myself. And this really requires no knowledge, just understanding of myself as a part of the whole, and not only a singularity.

Obviously this singularity is unique within the points where I can choose to apply myself within, what will be the things that I enjoy, and pursue within my life, but it does not have to be because that is something that I am preprogrammed to like/enjoy. Not something that I convince myself that I only capable of this or that starting within a self limitation. If I come to a decision about looking into a certain area then I can utilize my attention, time and focus to a certain area, and learn about it. But all the shit that has been force-fed to me, or more appropriately that I force feed myself because I believed that is what I needed to do to become something superior to the other beings out there, stand out and be live a worthwhile life. All that can/must stop. Interesting, as I have continued my reading into the heavens jtl blogs and right where I picked up it says it all where all positive self experiences are rooted within the negative/friction. So realizing that this thirst for knowledge and learning is actually based on a view of competition and superiority, which is actually a fear of survival at a base level, it puts a lot in perspective.

I do not need to know everything, I do not even need to know slightly even close to everything, but I do need to know how to apply myself in an effective way to stop the separateness of myself with life. That is the point of self honesty. Firstly stopping participation within the mind, following my thoughts, giving into the addictions that are fueled through my emotions and feelings. And from there continue to break down the underlying layers of self-deception that I have built around myself. Learning PRINCIPLES that will allow me to live my life within oneness and equality, cutting out the rest of the bullshit that has been holding me within this state of limbo for so many years. Correcting the limitation with self-trust.
Correcting addiction to energy as the awareness of myself here.

So there is the point. Accumulating knowledge which poses no real relevance to how I am choosing to live out my life in equality and oneness, is something that I have to become self honest about. Applying principles within myself which will be my standing point. Remembering when the mind starts to interject to breathe and slow myself down.

So here I will stop for the evening.

279. Hiding myself from others. Where do I fit?

It occurs to me that this is really to big of a point to try to take on fully here so I will just open up on it and flagpoint this for future reference.

For a long time I have had this pattern of sinking into the shadows of social scenes, as well as society. I have not really seen myself as this being who fits in well. I’m to shy, I am to nerdy, I am to unlike others. The point being that I have designed all these reference points to set conditions for me to fit into society in some way and it moves into all areas of my life. I have difficulty with my relationships with my parents. Subsequently I have had trouble opening up and being intimate with partner, allowing myself, and my expression to be fully heard or seen. I constantly bury what I am really experiencing so as to not upset the relationships, and this I have notice really does nothing but breed internal resentment within me.

In the social arena I typically do not engage people, and in the past when invited out to socialize I have always done so as a last resort if I could not get out of it, and while there would rather be on my own.

I have held the stance that I am someone who just prefers to be alone. With walk with Desteni for some time this has become clear that this is not much more than an avoidance. A hiding of myself where I do not have to concede myself as this character to others and explain or put my preprogrammed self on the line.

I noticed however that I crave the interactions with others at times. Mainly with close friends. But friends from the perspective that these are beings that I have come to common understanding with to maintain the existence of my systems within me. I never go much deeper than this, within most of my interactions with other I face the point in which I fear saying everything, like I have to censor myself from speaking about the points that I have realized. On one level I see this as suppressing myself to please others, and on the other hand I see this as a desire/lack in the sense that want others to understand/see me for someone who I wish to be. I see the missing piece within myself represented as this desire to fit in somewhere. To have some kind of purpose. But that purpose is misguided by the thinking that it comes with the acceptance of the other being within my life and the ones that I come in contact with, not realizing that society as it stands currently hold life in a place of inferior value to the mind, and so allowing myself to base my self view and self wellness in direct relation to what popular society and in turn those that I have deemed close to me and care emotionally for, actually in reality is only an acceptance of the same separation from life. Now to clarify I do not see that just leaving those in my life in the dust is the answer, rather the opposite where I actually stand up within myself and value my realizations enough to say things as I see them, to call out when I see that something can be realigned and also to have the tact to realize where to avoid creating unnecessary conflict. So it will be an interesting point to walk over, but one that has played quite a large part of the way that I interact with other beings in my life.

And there comes up the point of investigation where I can do this for myself once again. Standing up within myself to find out who it is I wish to create myself as within principle. Do I need others acceptance of me within the realization of myself walking with Desteni? Or can I do this for the actual reason of self honesty which is to recreate myself here as life?

So as I learn to walk, as I learn to trust me in more and more moments through my day. As I learn to become self honest about how I am choosing to live, the experience of myself being separate from others and the NEED to hide these realizations from others may become lessened. I could assume that they do, but I cannot say for sure until I take action and walk the path consistently within myself which is really the point.

And so I commit myself to walk within the principles of equality and oneness by utilizing the tools of Desteni, to deconstruct the limitations of the mind in believing myself to be separate from life as an inferior/superior personality creation in comparison with other beings and life itself. And instead recreate myself here as life through the realization of myself as breathe in each moment.

I commit myself to walk this within full realization that I will have to make this decision to stand for myself and not on the pretense of gaining or losing something from the interactions that I have with other beings.

I commit myself to stop hiding myself from others within the pretense that I do not have a spot that fits for me with others, and that I have to mold myself to the people around me to gain acceptance within there world and not realize that in doing this I am really giving myself up and not actually giving myself a chance to really discover me for myself.

I commit myself to stop fearing rejection for other despite who they may be and instead realize that all I really should have to focus on is if I am satisfied with myself in walking myself through this journey back to life and moving myself to participating in making a world that will be best for all.

278. Hiding from myself 2.

Ok continuing.

So when and as I see myself hiding myself from me, I stop myself and breathe, slowing myself down and realizing that this is really a reaction some kind of fears within my world. Some of them more about being in the spotlight and some other about having to take action or accountability of myself, so what I can do is really take a step back when I am looking to hide myself away and whole myself up and have an honest look, asking myself why? And what is really behind this point of hiding.

When and as I see myself considering myself to be fake or disingenuous and begin judging myself over this I stop myself and breathe and within that make the realization that this self judgment is an allowance that I am permitting within my world to reinforce the excuse to not take practical action in my life.

When and as I see myself not considering the role of action within myself and my world I stop myself and breathe remembering that action is what is going to take me out of hiding and will open me up to many new possibilities within myself, as well as outside of myself.
So within this I commit myself to step outside of hiding that I have lived by my whole life, make myself known to me and work with what I find there, no shame, no blame, just honest application with an understanding that I need to see me to be able to change me.

I commit myself to stop using the external world as an excuse as to why I am unable to get to this process on a daily level and within that realize that the reason why is because I am hiding from myself and not wanting to admit that.

I commit myself to step past the desire to let it all slide and move myself towards the habits that I realize will foster change within me through the evidence of the writing and application that I have already made within my life.

I commit myself to because honest with myself about what is really important within my day and apply myself to those this vigorously because I realize that the bigger picture is not just about myself but about the whole world/universe here as life.

I commit myself to stop fearing the changes, and to start having fun within my process of change, and realize that for something new to be born within me that something else must be cleared away. I am clearing the way for something unknown to be possible and that this start to the journey back to life.

I commit myself to breathe through the tough moments where all that I want to do is hide myself away, and wait out the storms within me, not realizing that the storms will keep coming unless I stand and face them.

I commit myself to stop the self judgment about what I should or should not be doing and instead just work on understanding myself clearer and making steady progress within myself.

I commit myself to see how consistency is really one of the main keys to walking this process and that the tendency is to turn my back on myself at the first sign of trouble/stress/distraction.

I commit myself to realize that at the stage that I am at I am really only stunting myself and my ability to grow in this world and that I will only ever find more uncertainties if I refuse to face myself in each moment.

I commit myself to work through the fears of discovering the possibilities that I will have to face others and interact with others which ties into hiding myself from others.

So that will be all for this post and I will work on the point of hiding from others within the next post.

277. Hiding from myself.

So here I will go into further detail about why I hide myself from myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide myself from me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide me because then I do not have to take action within my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide myself from myself because I do not wish to change myself from what is familiar.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide myself from myself because then I can use the excuse that I do not know what to do and place myself behind a cloak of uncertainty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base the idea of who I am as the things that are familiar to me and thus fear stepping to far outside of what I have been all along instead of stepping into the unknown and working on moving myself in a dynamic way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my fear or facing myself, limit my ability to be self expressive and self honest/ self-determined.

I forgive myself for accepting myself to exist in and as the shame that the past events that I have participated to the point where I allow this shame to stunt my action in facing those events, and instead look to just hide myself away from those event/habits suppressing and avoiding them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am incapable of effectively dealing with my shame and then push it into a superior position to myself, making it difficult for me to stand up to my own creations.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss the simple point that I am creating, accepting and allowing my actions/habits/thoughts/patterns/emotions through my participation in the energetic allure of them when they arise.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only believe that I am the past events that have happened to me, and thus leave no room for myself to see myself as anything other than a reflection of the past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my self-hatred, to blind me from possible solutions, and look for short-term fixes to my shame, rather than find a sustainable solution in living an accountable life within the action of walking my process for myself and looking deeper within me to deal with my points rather than ignoring them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pity myself where I sit in a pool of my own self importance and give value to the idea that I am special in my pain in some way, not ever stopping to realize how this is really just another creation/trap that I set and imagine within my own mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spiral down into depression through the self confirmed decision of “poor me, I am the victim here”, not stopping to realize that this is a decision that I created this and then hold myself to and consequently hide myself from.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to yet realize the role of action within my life where I am constantly and consistently faced with all of the opportunities that I need to grow and place my myself but instead hold myself back because of the way that I view myself and conduct myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I am fake because I have not fully figure myself out yet and for letting this feeling of being fake determine my motivation within my process, where for example I don’t do not see myself being effective and when faced with doing an assignment or writing then I carry that into those points as well. Instead of just writing despite the position that I currently occupy within my process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I do not have what it takes to walk this process because of my mental capabilities when this is really determined within the level of effort I am willing to place into my process and not with my ability to cognate information since my process is unique to my situation and pre programming so I am capable of the cognition that got me here and within that am capable of getting myself out.

Ok I will stop here for the evening and pick this up again tomorrow.

276. Really good at hiding myself.

Well after an extensive time from my last post, I am back here. I was sick a few weeks ago and I stopped writing while I was sick and I just did not pick it up again until a few days ago. I just did not find anything that I was writing to be a explanation of what I was going through.

Though within that, I made a realization within myself yesterday, where I was talking to one of the shelter clients and I was really intent on working my shift alone, and just focusing on my work. I was being kind of recluse and not really engaging anyone in the kitchen because of an event the previous day with him. He mentioned this and asked if I was ok and I did not seem like normal. I told him it was because of tiredness, because of the commute to work. In truth though it was because I did not want to deal with him, or people in general. I latter realized that this is the common experience for me through out my life up to this day, where I always hide myself, my intentions, the reality of what is really moving inside of myself. How I never find the words to really express myself in a way that is cogent to each situation. But most prominently and importantly I hide myself from myself. And I am really good at it. I do not even know that I am doing it, I don’t realize the level of self-deception and self deprivation that I am going through. I have not blogged for weeks now and I have been wondering why that is, I have been writing on my own and looking for this missing piece within all this. It occurred to me that much of what I am writing is valid points, but much of the time what I am facing within the act of writing is like this tendency to write and then realize that the writing is not really expressive of something that is fully here. I am not writing/speaking as myself as the here moment. Then yesterday I realized that this is all because I am hiding from myself, I am not getting down to the point of what this is about which is to look deep within me and admit to myself everything that needs to change, to stop telling myself it will be ok as long as it sounds like I am changing and am ok to other people, when its chaos and storm clouds within. I mean this is my relationship with everyone really, I try to make it seem like I am ok and stable and pass this of to others but I am hiding and suppressing the storm underneath, evident in my lack of application of late.

The truth is that I am really sad with myself, I am pitying myself, I am rageful towards myself all in consecutive turns flowing into one another, feeding of each other. I don’t know who I really am because I hide it, I am frustrated with that and it just loops around on me constantly to the point where now I basically stopped participating once again. Who is writing this? I am unsure of myself that even now I can tell that much of this is written still within some degree of knowledge and information mixed into expression. The truth of who I am remains to be seen within me, for me. So the practical common sense thing to do is to stop dwelling on the poor me attitude, step out of my hiding spot and just start examining myself in detail, I realize that this will be as hard as I make it, there is really only a few daily things to take care of but when the desires come into play then this is where I begin to lose my focus and miss my purpose.

Another point to consider within this is how I am fearful of what I could be. I am scared of stepping outside of what I know, letting go of all the knowledge and information that I have believed makes up the personality that I call me. I am fearful of the unknown potential that lies within me. Today I got on the wrong bus to work and it took me on an alternate route that I did not know, and while I was a little late for work the simple point of letting go and just riding out a situation where I did not know where I was going actually was quite cool. It does not specifically fit the same as walking this process or the process that humanity is facing but I mean the point of just accepting and going with the flow, being there moving through something outside of my habitual routine was a reminder of how programmed I/we can become. I have this tendency to wait for the perfect moment to start walking process or write or do my responsibilities in life. I hide behind the fact that my situation is not perfect yet, my living space not clean enough, or most prominent, I do not feel right about it at the time. So there is always a reason to excuse myself for something else ready to step in the place of me walking through my day with awareness and integrity. Instead I choose to live a life of predictability all based upon my programming.

So to wrap up for now I simply need to ask myself if I am living my life in such a way that will allow me to realize myself as life. And if not to stop, slow down, and start breathing pay attention to what is happening internally and move myself to take action on those thoughts, feelings, reactions, and not just attempt to hide myself from them. To realize that I should give myself the chance and opportunity to change by utilizing the time I have in this one life to do as much as I can, seeing that the time that squander and use just for self deprivation, self-abuse, and self honesty is really just unacceptable to the expression of life here, and not the least to myself.

So here I will make a stand to push through the resistances that I have been facing late and work through this point of hiding myself from myself and other in the next series of posts.

275. Job hunting nervousness.

I went for a open interview the other day and during the actual interview, or right before actually I was quite nervous.
I was doing my best to stay calm, breathe, started to do some self forgiveness in the waiting room.

I suppose the reason why I was getting nervous had to do something with like a fear of not getting the job, or really not knowing what to say or how I would answer the questions. So a fear of the unknown, or uncertainty of the situation, typically in the past I have really been quite security based what it comes to working and money. I do not like to feel like my income is uncertain, or not guaranteed. I’m sure many people are the same in this, but some I know are more willing to take risks and live on commissions for example. This historically is not me, and so I see how this crosses over within other areas of my life like going for interviews or asking a girl out on a date haha.

In this example of going for this interview I can see how I had placed this particular interview on a higher pedestal since it was for a cooking job in a large hotel, and it was not a typical pub kitchen job so I was pushing myself outside of my experiential range and comfort zone in that sense. So that is one point to consider where I make a job a point of superiority to myself.

So coming up to the building I was fairly calm, remembering to breathe, but there was a growing sense of nervousness the closer and closer that I got to actually going for the interview. In the past this would be for like days before I would start getting nervous and projecting all sorts of things about what could go on and scenarios that could happen, and within this current experience I noticed that as well, but at a much reduced scale, I for the most part noticed when I was projecting and stopped it, but I suppose the damage was done so to speak, I had already inserted that self doubt in there. while sitting in the wait area with the hundred or so others applying for various positions I was noticing the difficulty that I was having remaining calm. I had to really pay attention and bring myself back to breathe every few seconds, my hands would start to become sweaty whenever I would start thinking about what could happen and what was going on within my mind.
I was trying my best just to remain here, I had to keep myself focused on the room around me, looking around at the setup, the architecture (it was a old but extravagant building), as well as all the people that was in there with me.

When I was called up for my interview, I my keys accidentally fell out of my pocket and although this was embarrassing, it kind of snapped me out of the nervousness as I was able to just laugh at myself. In the interview I was still a little bit nervous I shortly calmed down and relaxed and noticed that it was not such a big deal as I made it out to be, which is usually the situation that I face within interviews. So I just did my best to answer her questions and smiled and made a few jokes.

So it goes to show how I made the situation much greater then it really was. Why this is generally I have noticed is because of the situations that I have had within the past where I constantly do not feel at ease when I am placing myself within a situation where I have to express my own sense of self worth.
Obviously this is only happening within my mind, but locating the reasons/triggers as to why, is not immediately apparent to me, so I will do some exploration within self forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become nervous when faced with the situation of going for a job interview.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for fearing not getting the job, or messing up the opportunity to get the job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project into the future about how the interview might go, as a reflection of the past experiences that I have had within interviews, and try within my mind to go over all the different scenarios that might come up so as to minimize the nervousness.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize how this projection is actually a way for me to highlight to myself all the things that could go wrong, and within that project the point of failure within myself and actually create the nervousness within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how the main point of fear about not getting the job is based within and a fear of survival where I have place this particular job in and as a position of paramount where its all or nothing when it comes to getting this opportunity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how this fear is about gaining a opportunity to gain more security within my life by getting a better job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within and as this job where I see this as THE opportunity to further my growth within my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place a exaggerated value of this job, where I make it the only opportunity at hand to further myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my sense of self worth within a job that provides the feeling of security.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thus see this job as the pinnacle of opportunities available to me currently because I have been unable to accept myself as someone who is able to take risks within my work life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this personal dogma to interfere with all the other areas of my life where instead of pushing the boundaries I have set for myself I instead look for the most comfortable option of least resistance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realized that the unwillingness to step outside of, and push myself beyond my comfortable zone, is what is really keeping me trapped within the same cycles of work and living.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view this position as something that is greater then myself and by not realizing this have placed it within a position outside of what I am comfortable with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize myself as valuable enough to put myself outside of my comfort zone.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to have faith within myself as the ability to learn and adapt to a position outside of my experience, and within this make the situation/prospect of looking for a job outside of my comfort zone something that is difficult or impossible to see myself within.

I forgive myself for accepting and and allowing myself to live within a set of limitation within myself based solely on my past experiences with work and within that do not actually trust myself and my ability to push through the difficult moments where I am face with the point of failure, and making mistakes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as nervousness when faced with that prospect of failure within the point of being interviewed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being accepted by another being within the interview and not realize that this is directly a point of not fully accepting me as self trust and confidence within myself about my abilities as a cook and within my ability to express myself within the interview.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become anxious and angry towards myself when I notice how often I have to bring myself back to breathe and remain calm.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become embarrassed within myself for becoming nervous.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the projections of what could happen and what could go wrong overwhelm my ability to remain present and calm within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not been completely present within my physical body and allow the energy of nervousness and fear to overwhelm me to such an extent that I lose control of my physical functioning where my hands would become sweaty and I would fumble with my keys.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not just be easy on myself within this situation, and within the experience of nervousness and fear make out the situation to become more intense and bigger then it actually is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear justifying my self worth in and to others, and within those situations not see how I have programmed myself as a inferior being where I do not actually have self trust within those situations of point myself in the spotlight and highlighting myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to first understand that this inadequacy is really based within a uncertainty of who I really am as a person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forgo the step of ever really asking myself the questions that will lead me to really get to know who I am, and within that I merely stand in those situations as a point of projection of who I would like to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the nervousness that I experience when expressing things about myself therefore is really a form of guilt since on some level I do not actually believe everything I am saying, or I feel like I am embellishing what I am saying about myself since I have not fully created myself in total clarity yet.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then just feel like I have to lie about myself to get a job and thus am always going into these situations within a previously constructed set of guilty self definitions.

I forgive myself for not first accepting and allowing myself to become clear within me who I really am and what I stand for and then realize that this would be the starting point of self trust and learn to work within and express myself from that starting place.

Ok I will pick this up next time.

274. Seeing what I have to do.

I see the problem here within myself. Baseline I just do not want to work hard to figure myself out. I can see and I realize things easily when I apply myself, but moving myself through the resistance is something that I continue to struggle. I do not fully want to give up the mind, which I suppose is natural from the perspective of that is the great con within that consciousness. So I should stop blaming myself in that area.
I can see see many of the connections and the categories in which I still define myself within, I just kind of go “ohhh, hey that’s there”, but I do not move into the next step of writing it out. Getting it out and doing the self forgiveness. Doing the effort involved. I still see this point as work instead of a self movement, self communication, self understanding and self expression.

So mapping out the mind is something that I can put forth to further understand myself. Its something that I have put off for so long now and never really gave much attention to. I can see how this would allow me to just move through the points that I am still facing in a more organized way. And just allowing me to see what I have to do still within my process is a less cerebral way.

One of the other problems I have faced is where I will see something and then moments later I have forgotten what it was that I realized, or wanted to write about later, etc. So writing it all down would really support me in just seeing how the flow and connections of my mind is functioning at this stage.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue struggling within myself with resistance to writing out my mind, and organizing all of the systems within myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to fully give up the mind as of yet.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to block out the point that this unwillingness to give up the mind is something that will be continuously faced throughout my process if I continue to blame and judge myself within that area.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take advantage of the this position that I have given myself where I am able to actually see and give myself another chance through changing the way that I life my life each day.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to view process as a point of self expression and self communication through movement rather then just simply work, and within that holding the idea of work as a negative charge within the concept of effort.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how all of the points/connections/categories within myself that I see and do not act upon simply will just continuously loop around within my experience of myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing self forgiveness as the way to clear out and work through those self definitions, and within that not seeing or utilizing methods that will work for me within my own process of self rediscovery.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take everything that I see as movements down when ever that I can and within this start mapping out the mind so as to realize where I actually stand within me.

So when and as I see myself still postponing and delaying myself walking within my process I stop myself and breathe and bring myself back within the moment and ask myself what was this that brought me out of equality and oneness with breathe.

I commit myself to take notes, write down the points that I see and if I am able to start working within self forgiveness in the moment or if not to take note of the point for a later time where I am able to explore that point in more detail.

When as as I see myself not really wanting to give up the experiences of the mind, I stop myself and breathe and have a look at what it is specifically about those experiences that I do not want to give up, or how I feel like I will be losing something by not participating within them.

I commit myself to walk a new path by stopping the desire to still experience mind constructs.

I commit myself to take on the constructs through practical means which means to stop allowing myself to just let those things pass through my mind without really taking any action towards them. Instead I commit myself to write as much as I can about the points and constructs that I still participate within.

I commit myself to realize the gift of self forgiveness in which I am recreating myself and no longer allow me as a separate self interested consciousness to reign control over my decisions.

I commit myself to utilize this gift to stop the feedback loops of the systematic self definitions within myself, and instead start standing and taking action in which ever way possible.

When and as I see myself worrying about the extent of work/effort that has to go into this process, I stop myself and breathe, recognizing that this is a matter of making myself real, and self honest.

I commit myself to work and walk through all the worrying points so I no longer have to push so hard to move myself through this process, and instead start walking within it with more confidence about what my real direction should/can be.

I commit myself to map my mind so I can clearly find the path that I took to bring myself to this point and then work through it backwards so as to first work within what is coming up daily primarily and then just work through the memories and events, definitions and fears.

I commit myself to this task as I can see that this is what I need to do to become whole as life once again.

I commit myself to the understanding that I am whole and that the only thing that is stopping me from realizing that is my own mind holding me back within itself.

273. Denying myself the change.

Self denial. I am going to right about how I always just deny myself the opportunity to actually form trust with myself. I have always just sabotaged me. I have always just allowed myself to take the easiest route through my life. I have always told myself that I am not good enough, or the moment is not right, I am not ready to change.

I have to stop this habitual laying down of myself, where I deny within myself a knowing, a realizing, and continuous self movement within myself where I take charge of me, where I am the one leading me within my life and make the decisions where i will inevitably come out within a situation that is best for me, and in that I will start to realize where I am walking within the context of what is best for all. Because so far nothing has really work, placing this idea of what is best for all in front of me has only really given me a sense of guilt within myself where I am comparing myself against this idea.

That it is only a idea. I formed an idea about what is best for all rather then looking at myself and understanding and acting on staying present, stopping my mind, and breathing. And within that idea I made me inferior, not worth, evil, awful, terrible, etc, without stopping to realize that this is the mind, this is the ego, this is me accepting the ego, and not really understanding where I should really be able to stand within me. That is the reality of the evil within me, it is a choice and has always been a choice.

So I suppose the point within this point is to stop being and standing within denial about who I am, and what I am capable of. I have to trust me to walk, if I am within a constant starting self view of not trusting that I can do this, that I can move through this process, if at every hiccup I am convinced that I will not make it I am just fucking with myself, and it just loops that way.

I have to stop using all these words trying to convince myself that this is who I am now. Just get back to basics and start focusing on breathing, working with the points one at a time and stop the judgment of myself within these up and down moments. Those moments are there to allow me to see where I need to apply me, as the directive self, push through the resistance to do that and just walk for myself.

When I try and convince myself that I am these words that I spit out as a response/reaction to where I really see myself, that’s just a point of denial, I am trying to cover up the real me as I have allowed me to build. I am not taking real responsibility, I am not accepting me to heal for real. And that’s a problem.

So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold myself in a state of self denial through the use of judgment of me against equality and oneness as a idea that I have come up with in my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss out on the real point of self movement which is about me find me, and looking at my life so far and learning how to work through each of the moments that I have just pushed to the side in favor of the easy road.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always choose that road because I never believe within myself as a point of self faith and trust to work through all of the “I cant’s” and see that these are actually only “I will not’s”.

I forgive myself for holding myself in the same positions as always for the simple reason that I am unsure of where to walk. Unsure of where to place myself against this self defining judgment of being a evil, grotesque person. And never stopping to see how this is only ever a choice where I accept or decline the option to participate within this belief and self definition.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take up the self integrity to move myself out of that limited starting point and learn to walk, learn to for trust and stop the idea that I cannot do this.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not understand that this is first and foremost taking place in my mind, and that every time that I choose to participate I am really only giving power to the mind, and diminishing my own ability to stand, and really just making things harder.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use Desteni words as a like a “get out of jail card” where I just using those words as like to make it seem like I have changed more then I actually see myself changing. Not realizing that I am just pandering a image/illusion of me and that this will not actually lead anywhere except to the places I have always been.

So when and as I see myself denying me the opportunity to take real and immediate charge of my life, I stop myself and breathe and within that breath ask myself what is really important, the feelings that come out of taking the easy way or standing within this life as that best that I can be and share that through my walk back to life.

I commit myself to take that immediate opportunity as that actuality of what it really means to walk this process and work with it, even when I find myself wanting to do something else where it is to take my mind off having to face myself.

When and as I see myself comparing myself as I stand against “equality and oneness” as a idea that I make up within myself, I stop myself and breathe and realize that it is within the breathe that this is really what is going to lead to a more complete understanding/realization of equality and oneness. Not and idea within my mind.

I commit myself to stop judging me against my own mind construct of what equality and oneness is, and realize that within that I set me up for all sorts of failure and time loops, and instead focus on breathing, look at each point of where I do not stay within breathe and focus on why that is, why that is happening and what is the point of separation within those points.

I commit myself to stop making this a emotions game with myself where I get all caught up within the emotions that are generated within how I am doing within my process against this invisible idea of equality and oneness in my head.

I commit myself to thus realize that the process is one of breathe as the starting point for all other realizations of myself within that.

When and as I see myself becoming down within myself over these points of self judgment and standing within as self belief that I am not able to walk effectively, that I cannot do this, I stop myself and breathe, and realize that within that breathe is a choice between I am doing this and I will not do this, and there is no cannot within the equations.

I commit myself to work within myself to push myself to choice the choice that will lead me to walking process, to making the choice of I am doing this, I am this, I am breathe. And within that breathe stand as this moment and work within that.

I commit myself to stop taking the points of failure as a point of personal definition and instead own those points, own up to them and take the seriously where I see that this is what I still accept and allow myself to be within my world but it does not have to be, I can own those deviations from the path, and change myself, its just a choice.

I commit myself to realize that every moment is choice.

I commit myself to make the choices that will allow me to form self trust and build intimacy with me for real. Realizing that the longer that I deny and delay this process is the harder it will be.

When and as I see myself using the Desteni words as like a way make it seem like I have changed, I stop myself and breathe and realize that the process of change is not about knowledge and information, it is about how I choose to conduct me within myself in a consistent and meaningful way.

I commit myself to move past the point of just writing from knowledge and information and instead focus on the actually realizations that I am having.

I commit myself to see that within this it may/will require more time spent just writing to myself and forming that trust and with me rather then fixating only on the blog post.

I commit myself to let go of the idea that I should make the blog the priority, when in all common sense the blog should be the reflection of my actual walking of my process.

I commit myself to realize that this is one of the reasons why my world is not changing at its potential wherein I am not living the words I am writing in the blog.

272. Signatures.

So I just wanted to touch on something that I realized while talking within another being at work the other day. I was talking within another being and this person was talking to me about how one of the tenants that lived in the building was dying of cancer.

What I noticed within that moment was how I reacted within a point of not really giving to much “caring” towards the being that was dying. How I have come to view disease within myself is through my own personal experiences where both of my parents are facing some life threatening diseases. How I have come to see this is where I can see that the problems that my parents are facing are actually resultant, and of consequences of their personal choices in life. I have spent much time within my life worrying about them and fearing losing them. But something that I noticed when talking to my coworker about this other being was how when I asked her why she was so bothered by the prospect of this being dying from consequences of this beings choices she mentioned that it was because she had known him for so long.

It got me considering why it is that we care so much about particular beings fates more then others in this world. I realized within that how we all carry around these signatures in and as the personalities that we have created, and within that we as the observers within our lives see these signatures and become attuned to them within ourselves. We start to accept other beings signatures as a set of specific feelings and emotions within us, and form personal attachments to those specific signatures. Now, within that it made sense to me that this is really only all illusions, it allowed me to see how I still do this all the time, I still am placing some beings signature above and beyond others, which is kind of bogus since this is all points created in relation to mind personalities of others beings. It also allowed me to see how I still am putting forth my own signature for others to take hold of. I stand as this “Alex” signature within and as other beings, I noticed that this is almost like a reliance, or requirement within myself where I have to fulfill this persona for others so they can “care” about me. So I can create this idea of a person that can be liked, stand out, and be remembered.

Now. Whats the point within this? I mean something that I have learned from within my own relationships with my parents and friends is that if we do not stand for anything in particular, and we are just creating these signatures for for others to see and hold as “us” within our minds, what is this? I can see that this actually leads no where, since all we have is a idea about others, process through our own filters. It really does not revel anything tangible about a being. It only shows the mind.

So where within this all lies the common sense point? I mean if all I am is a signature, what does that actually say about me in terms of practical change and solutions in this world? Nothing. I see that there is really a emphasis on this “signature” of others rather then anything that would involve reality. We seem to associate this signature with life, when it really has nothing to do with that. So the common sense solution is to realign oneself with the basics fundamentals. What is life? Where does the physical reality around oneself actually come into play when we talk about who we really are? How does the way that I behave, and conduct myself lend to the actuality of the situations and choices that I make? Often we get lost within other peoples signature based solely in how they make us feel, when really this has nothing really to do with how one actually experiences oneself on a daily basis, and interacts with physical life. This is something that I am currently just starting to understand and be able to see myself within. Its difficult to break free since I have been so convinced within me that all this crap is me, that I am the signature that is “Alex” when really what that signature says about me is only a extremely limited portion of who I could actually be and stand as in alignment with life.
Who could I be if I was not me as my signature? Who could I paint myself to be as a blank canvas?

So I have to ask myself. Am I just this signature that I have learned to sign my whole life? Or could I be something else? Can I authenticate myself authentically as life?