3. Jesus, Mother, Mary, and Joseph.

When I was a child there was nothing that could be said that would change my opinions away from my mother’s. I was her first born and she was my mother and all was sanctity. She would tell me about Jesus and the glory of god. About how all the other kids around me where naughty and misbehavior’s because they did not believe in the message of Jesus. She taught me the ideals of unconditional love and how she would always love me and that I will be her son forever. On the opposite end, my father was away for extended periods working. Although this was not a worst case scenario, I realized that as I grew up that was definitely something that changed my involvement with my peers and level of emotional integration with society. I felt as if I was being pulled in two different directions. I remember being brought up to stories of heaven and hell, good and bad, God and Satan. And the next side, a world without god only work and “reality.” I vividly remember getting into a fight with my father as a young boy, because my mother would teach me about the bible and the story of how god made Adam and Eve from dust and a rib. I remember my conviction of faith in that moment where I was standing in our house at the time and the tears running down my face as my father would say “what are you teaching him that stupidness for, there is no god.” And I yelling back that there was a god and that he loved us unconditionally. Little did I know at the time that he would turn out to be right in that respect. As I grew older many things happened in my experience that lead to my present understanding, but that I will get to eventually. Continuing with my line of today my parents divorced, got new partners. My sisters and I got new siblings, a new father and mother and two Christmases a year. I lived for twelve years in a house in Richmond B.C. with 2 sisters 2 step brothers and my Mom and here Common law husband. Weekends at my dad’s. An average Canadian upbringing I suppose for this point in history. After years mental hoola hoops with my Mom and her Husband. I eventually got fed up and 3 days after I turned 18 I left. I feel ambivalence towards this portion of my life because after I left the situation at the house continued to degrade. Anger and blame was prevalent while I lived there but after I left it just moved down the line. I was young and irresponsible in the years following. Even up to this day it’s hard to see myself as totally self sufficient I know that I didn’t/don’t want to use people in my experience, but so far had been one of bouncing around living with friends, family, and girlfriends. Why I’m really sharing all this is in among-st all of the background story my Mom broke up with her Husband after 14 years together, and my mom without a place to go lived with me on several occasions the following 3 years or so. During the time that we lived together I learn quite a bit about her past and mine. There was much anger, sadness, love, regret, selfishness…. much of my currently known and unknown emotions, feelings, and beliefs constantly flowing around the domicile. It remains a overwhelming cyclic time period of my life. I can tell that I still carry quite a bit of reaction around with me from then. I don’t know how to handle it with an effective presence. I do my best when dealing with my mother as she still sees life as a struggle of issues. Many of the memories of the past that have remained unresolved for her. She is currently unable to deal with them in a proactive practical way always falling back into emotion and fear. I eventually had to leave once again because it kept coming back around to where everything was directed towards me once again. It felt like I was to shoulder the brunt of the emotional weight for her. It was unceasing and relentless. It makes me feel slightly helpless since she is my mother and I would like see her happy and feel stable within her experience. I realized that this is something that I cannot achieve for her. Rather only recognizing the same tendencies within myself and taking steps to ensure that the same thing is not passed into my experience. This is a system within myself that I have come to see inside me that know needs to be taken care of.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel fear about what may or may not happen in my experience know that there are situations that are not in my control, but rather the point of control lies within my reactions or non reactions to a situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I understand what unconditional love is when clearly I do not, as I have seen myself and others preach the ideals of unconditional love and all the while live that love within contexts of limitation. Making it a self interested love.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if there is some “higher being” separate from self that is our creator that is somehow loves us all, separating us from the responsibility to truly love each other as equal and one with all of existence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for ignoring the fact that if there was/is a god that loves us all equally then why is there so much malcontent, violence, hunger, and hatred across the earth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold conviction in conclusions that are put forth for me instead of coming to my own realizations about what is, and where our reality came from even though I was only a young boy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for reaction in and emotional way about what others around me believed to be the nature about reality in thus forgoing any clear inquiring insight into the matter, instead only crying about it and throwing a tantrum in regards to choosing one parents ideals over the other because I was siding with the parent at the time, not even the ideals per-say.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like my mother “had all the answers”, and that she was above wrong doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that somehow all of the other children around me were sinners of a sorts, this in turn driving me away and separating me from my sense of community and ability to communicate effectively.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I need to have a sense of community with people other then the guiding message of equality and oneness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that work is a primary meaning of life, and replacing the foundation of life equality as being being equal and one with the earth and all nature of life in the universe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anger toward my father for fighting with my mother and in not having the same beliefs with me at the time. ie: not believing in god.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I have been raised in a average type of family because of the region of the world I live in. And for not realizing that the “average” description is a loaded word based on constantly shifting paradigms. The true average would be in living equal and one with everything, family would also take root in that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take sides and feel responsible for my parents thoughts, emotions, and beliefs therefore accepting this behavior into my experience for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for believing that having Christmas twice was a good thing because I would get more gifts and things for myself, instead of a time of sharing and renewal of life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for feeling ambivalent with the choice that I made to leave at 18 and realize that that has happened already and I cannot change that choice. I can only become one with it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not having the patience to stay my anger at the time and perhaps be able to change the outcome.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that in by staying I might have been able to make a difference in the way things would have turned out.

I Forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I was for the belief that I was being irresponsible in my youth. And self sabotaging myself from the perspective of placing blame on myself.

I Forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that I am placing blame onto others for my reactions to others in my own experiences as I am shifting the point away from self responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sorry for myself by justifying my experiences through mild sarcastic tone through out the statement in terms like “average” and a “could have been worse” attitude.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I was not and am not self sufficient, I am accepting feelings about the past into my present moment. And in this creating a feedback loop making the feeling of fear of not being adequate with myself a reality in the present moment and separating myself from the now as the breathe of life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in feelings and emotions when confronted with stories, and revelations told by my mother about her past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allow myself to feel shame in judging my mother by way of reacting in anger and self serving mentalities when I hear her stories.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that this time period of my life was/is cyclic, and holding the belief that I carry emotional weight around with me from that portion of my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself in believing that I am trapped within those past memories. That I cannot handle myself in effective way, and that I stagnating my self expression as one and equal to life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to actively retaliate sadistically against my mother by saying things that I knew would cause her to react emotionally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I can make people change, when all that I can really control is my own emotions, feelings, and thoughts. And all actions based on those emotions, feeling, and thoughts.

I commit myself to become equal and one with these reactions of emotion that I feel about this portion of my past. Realize that it is in the past and that feeling emotion will only feed energy to the system in the present.

I commit myself to stop thinking that I understand what unconditional love means while under my own delusion of judgments of people, things, beliefs. Rather understanding that true unconditional love would include all natures of reality and in giving up all remnants of personal gain, self servitude, and judgment of the present moment.

I commit myself to become one with my past, by remaining here in the present through breathe as equality as life.

I commit myself to stop judging situations from a point of sarcasm, as sarcasm denotes a point of not being at ease with the present moment, by rather making fun of it, thus showing my inequality with the moment, people, things, beliefs.

I commit myself to stop feelings of confinement, and cyclic time periods through self forgiveness application and the non participation of worrying thoughts, emotions, beliefs.

I commit myself to breathe deeply once I start to feel these worrying sensations start to arise. To be here now in the present, releasing judgments about situations whether they are in the past, present, or future.

I commit myself to take responsibility for myself by not placing blame on others for how I feel and commit myself to investigate how I built walls around myself in doing so.

I commit myself to stop blaming myself for situations in which I react but actually have no control over other then my own reactions.

I commit myself to stop forming a vision of myself as either adequate/inadequate self-sufficient or not in a situation, and rather realize that I am equal and one with all in my experience and my actions reflect that as I stay within the breathe of life as oneness and equality.

I commit myself to stop feelings of freedom when I am not confronted with anyone’s thoughts, beliefs, as true freedom lies in oneness and equality for all life on earth and the universe.

I commit myself to stop actions of sadism, realizing that this is a direct form of separation of which the only point is to take personal pleasure from hurting someone else. Rather I commit myself to find clarity for myself and reflect that clarity of equality and oneness to others as a living example, for myself as all.

I commit myself to be be flexible in my conviction and not to hold on to any belief systems. Know that life is open and holds many perspectives some which may come to change older understandings of the mechanisms of life.

I commit myself to write within my ability and to not feel as if I need to “write essay’s” about myself in effort to clear myself faster, in fact realizing that I may be making my process harder by not being able sit focused and finish a topic in one sitting.

I commit myself to my process of self exploration and commit to understanding myself as life as equality and oneness.

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2. My Quantum Holographic Mind

 I started reading “The Holographic Universe” today on a suggestion from my girlfriend, as well as some friends. I have reached only around pg 17 but so far what I have read has confirmed a lot of what I have learned (learning) from Desteni. The idea that the mind works by way of pictures. In a sense light (electrical impulses) beams that are moving in intricate waveform called a “interference pattern”, conjuring up holographic images inside my mind. This as far as I can tell is in the same realm as the mind consciousness systems. I remember thinking at the time of reading that, if only my friends could know what I know in that moment they would be able to fathom the message and not be so hung up on this idea of positive vibes. Later on a fellow skater friend back in Trinidad from Ontario after having hurt himself working came by. While we were liming (hanging out) in the gazebo I was watching the scene around me remembering to take breaths whenever I could feel my chest seize up. I realized that all my feelings of inadequacy, anger, and frustration with this whole positive vibes thing is in essence really only on me. My friends are waiting for me really, for me to become one with them and realize myself in the present. We are all on this path together and I am only hurting myself as them by getting frustrated by them. And blaming them for my own inadequacies. We are all at different stages in our process and even though they may not know specifically about the message of oneness and equality, or Desteni even. I was once where they are. The difference is that I have came to these conclusions alone essentially wherein I have to opportunity now to become a living example for myself and set an example for them as well here in the physical. By “thinking” that they are holding me back in anyway is foolish because it is I who is actually letting them down. It’s always in reverse as I’ve heard multiple times before.

 

 I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to think of myself as a position of higher knowledge or wisdom to my peers. By doing this I have actually built up walls around myself telling myself on some level that I am better then something/someone else.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept the idea that I know something about holographic universes when I haven’t fully read the book, or really taken in the material and forming an opinion about incomplete information.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to think that I truly understand what a mind consciousness system is when obviously I don’t yet. I am just as trapped by myself as other people I am judge, perhaps even more so. 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge others and not realizing in that moment that I am acting in separation.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to form pictures in my head about how the pictures in my head might look as a 3 dimensional electrical light interference grid. 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that this grid could be me on some level not realizing that it is the pre-written program of the secret mind running a program made up of emotions, thoughts and feelings arising from my memories that are stored holographic-ally in that grid.  

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to forget to be breathe and getting lost in thought and not really paying attention to the moment here and now. Equal and one with it.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel emotions like frustration, anger, and inadequacy around my friends. 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself for blaming my friends for these emotions and not realizing that it is really myself being reflected right back at me. 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself for feeling like I need to set a example for my friends wherein I have lost the point of walking this process and learning about myself is a process for myself and the example would be a natural product of of the equality equation within myself were as “setting an example FOR them” is acting in motives of self-interest looking to fuel other certain parts of my own ego.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to think that I have gotten here by myself, when there has been ample support throughout my process from many different directions.

I commit myself to breathe and be in the present moment here and now. 

I commit myself to stop the mind consciousness systems within me one step at a time, realizing that the pictures in my head are not I as oneness and equality of life in it’s entirety.

I commit myself to stop judging others by some preset standard of whether they know about desteni or not. Realizing that I am no greater or less then they and that all that I think that I know is really only a small fraction of what can be known. 

I commit myself stop coming to conclusions about things before I get all the information. Thinking that I am made up of some kind of light, electrical synapses grid and mind consciousness systems. 

I commit myself to become a living example of the equality of life equation beginning by walking the process for myself. 

I commit myself to not allow myself to feel discouraged by the failures and feelings of letting others down as this only impedes my progress with myself.

I commit myself to make more time to write self forgiveness rather then leaving it until late in the evening when I am becoming sleepy and less alert and able to concentrate. 

I commit myself to write my self forgiveness application on a daily basis as a expression of who I really am here now equal and one with life as this moment.

1. Hiding from myself and making excuses.

I have been aware of the Desteni message for quite some time now. Following me through out the past 5 years or so. In all this time it occurred to me just now that I have been tip toeing on the edge of the playing field not knowing if I want to get involved. Coming up with all sorts of excuses as to why not to start this process. Things ranging from; I don’t know how, or what to write about self-forgiveness, I’m not going to do it right anyways, how can I really trust these people, i got friends to hang out with, I’m too high…. and many more as I suppose that I will find out in the days to come. I can say that over the past week or so after starting the I process lite I realized for myself that I can write about myself, and realize things about myself. I just need to do it. To start somewhere. One of the main reason’s for not starting I suppose is that I have not come into contact with another person in my physical reality that will entertain the message of Desteni as more then a novelty. Thinking that I am naive for at seeing the view that it is possible for humanity to change it’s ways. Or on the flip side that no negativity exists in the physical reality around us and needs to be addressed before we have play time, only positiveness bubbles all around me. I have found myself trapped inside a self imposed cell believing that I need someone, ANYONE to validate these messages of equality before I could fully accept them. All the while the acceptance was already there in front of me plain and clear for me to see. Around I go on my four on the floor concrete joy ride. Stopping long enough to build up enough dissonance to feel the need to punish myself with a few good slams and a fat joint of BC medicinal grade for dessert. This was my solution. Evidently this still is my solution. I look at all the videos and blogs and vlogs, convincing myself that it could never be me. Seeing day’s in the hundred’s and only feeling intimidation, not gaining inspiration or support. I have no one to blame in these cases but myself. I can see that now. So much time wasted as a slave, slave to the system, slave to my mind. I hated being in the system so much that I couldn’t realize that perhaps it was my mind is the system and that it was doing that same hating. It’s a strange thing to hate and love at the same time. I feels like I am insane half the time. Fighting with myself as to why I keep failing and why not fail. Am I really failing or is this the way it is supposed to be like my friends and family telling me it is all for a reason. Strange and dis-concerning advice from all angles. All except my own. Deluding myself in countless ways, even now I am unsure if I am being self honest. But I am making a step. The first small step for myself as all as one. To see for myself if this thing called equality is really me.

 

I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel trapped within a constant cycle of separation from myself. Feeling like I need someone or something external to make me feel like I am whole. This feeling is a falsity in itself as life in its entirety is here now in support of me as equality of life.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to remain sidelined from the rest of existence, and pretending that I am on some level worthy of being special as an individual mind consciousness system ego formation, separate from self as the whole of existence as life. Not realizing that as a whole one and equal we can become a real definition of special, together as the true manifestation of oneness.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to deceive myself into thinking that I don’t know how to write about myself. Tricking myself through varies devices of addiction, avoidance, and doubt, or neediness of approval and acceptance. 

I forgive myself for allowing myself to deceive myself by feeling like there is no support when there is ample support. Not only from the members of the Desteni group, but from the vary Earth itself which has been sustaining I for the whole of this lifetime and all that came before.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to not just ask for help if I need it instead of hiding behind excuses made up by my separate self interested ego.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel that I NEED to be in physical proximity with another person of the same MIND-SET to be able to accept the validation of the message of equality of life as one as equal as myself. Not realizing that in that same mind-set I have locked myself in a cell of ever physically taking steps to meet someone that actually truly walks that message.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel like meeting someone like that in the physical is important to my process. Deluding myself that the person responsible for my process is not myself only.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to have feelings and ideas about what other people may be thinking about me when I tell them about the Desteni message. In fact by having prejudgments about how people may view me only causes more separation and confusion. 

I forgive myself for allowing myself to trap myself within the context of drugs. Feeling like they offer some form of completion of self when really the only real completion come with the realization that all is one and equal with everything. Therefore I have separated myself from life as equality when I require some substance to make me feel in a higher state Consciousness.  

I forgive myself for allowing myself to think that physical pain can somehow take away the pain of the inequality around the globe. That by taking falls this will somehow make up for all the other pain caused around the world through my own non action. That by skateboarding I can somehow vindicate my abstinence of self responsibility as equality of life for all. That by practicing awareness through skateboarding without first understanding how my mind works and even allows me to function in a way that lets me physically do that and that it will make me a better more caring person somehow.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel intimidation and anxiety about starting this process of death and rebirth into the physical. Not realizing that those feelings are self created and not acceptable as they are of the mind and are not real or accepted in and as oneness and equality as life.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to partake in emotions such as love and hate believing that I understand what the meaning of these words mean when in fact I don’t and their impact on the world as a duality manifestation is actually creating more separation and dissonance. 

I forgive myself for allowing myself to convince myself that I cannot trust myself and that by trusting the advice of the people around me and not having that trust in my own sense of truth about the equal nature of the planet and universe has cause me to fall on a constant basis. And Remain in a place of fear and doubt as to never allow me to see life in a equal and one standing point.

I commit myself to a journey of self realization one step at a time. Not judging myself for my temporary failures and misunderstandings, but rather taking a responsible and inquisitive stance to my journey to life as equality.

I commit myself to find time to write about myself and form a series of material documenting my journey through the practice of deconstructing the mind systems within myself in a self forgiveness application.

I commit myself to remain motivated in my journey knowing that support is only a question away and that if I am unsure of a particular point all that is required is to ask.

I commit myself to not judge others from a place of my own ego’s wants to be somehow superior to my peers,family, and nature. Realizing that we are all equal and one.

I commit myself not to feel judged by any advice that the members of Desteni may have to offer me along my journey, knowing that they are only coming from a place of equality as life as myself, and there is nothing to be afraid of, as only my ego feels fear.

I commit myself to make a conscious effort to understand my addictions and stop them.

I commit myself to practice oneness and equality in and as life, with all that my current understanding allows as well making a effort to continue to expand my understanding on a constant basis.

I commit myself to not fear this process knowing that it is a process and that it will take time to fully understand myself. It will take time to fully understand how to stand on my own as an example of life as one as equal. 

I commit myself to stand as this example.

Lineage

One is born into the world of lines, the initial reaction is one of shock, terror, and disparity. For a few in-time this will fade into a dull base in the background as they move days upon days moving pass. Others have walked a line of unadulterated purity of sound conscious equality. A beacon of oneness, of a looming luminescent pinnacle of the potential of all of humankind, resting perfectly in the orbs of unwavering sight. No sound of majesty, or travesty, nor scare, no fear of the light. Only freedom, and truth ring screaming from those nights. Symbolic of us all, fallen and lost, buried and cold among each own’s personal plight. As though a pillar of sanctity, a sanctuary for the cores of all one.  This was not my line, not my story under my deceptive sun.

Walked a line so fervently trod, those voices call out loud and only quietly reluctantly been heard. They have spurred an escape, a way and word for the guilt and shame to cure. Peel back from the sun burnt wound and seek renewal once more gone, leave behind only scarlet flesh to be next caressed in the light of sunset on a autumns song. Within us all’s carry delusion of duality of ego and self. Of pain and suffering, of joy and excite. A literal labyrinth of choice and chance masquerading in a seemingly eternal dance of opposing faculty forced night. This is where one may choose to cast-half their line of lineage. Deep in an ocean of hopeless mystique. A copy of an imitation floating precariously of the edge of our world, poised for misfortune of the galactic stock pyre. Once and once again we face the only threat to we I have ever known. A fate planned in fear has drawn its print-blue among the stars of our celestial bonfire. I and I over once more each living as a king of none except only one’ sown.  Padlock the pier, he said, and may they never set sail. Make each his own lock, and may each bear ward of their own jail. Eye on the prize high above each I, we wait crouched low, on penthouse sills.  Up above penance from fault, and honesty absolved. Tricked by a shade of a blind prince of voles, mistaking towering hills for his earthly mole-hole.

From afar they spin a line, in lust for power, and vindicated desire. Brother will cut down his brother by a midnight commute. And Terran gaming stars will reduce his sisters in the erotic realm of fiery loot. The origins of men is well suited to dispute. “I!” says I claiming hands over land. “Brethren of our mother” cry out marbled children dilute. And those dogs of Olympus meet men with nightmares in their eyes, narrowly evading actions re-tribute, the fact their soul-god lies far beyond our lunar disguise.  Eternal retreat in fright of what would otherwise start, an eon of peace, justice, and meticulous understanding of I and I’s personal twilight.I too have been forgotten out here in time the great device, slicing my limbs on the quotient of emotion of a false concrete demise, or perhaps in the grip of a bubble wrapped surprise.

But don’t worry this all happened years ago before the advent of the ghost mind. That very same mind of spectrum and splendor.  Forever companions until birthing men of such worth, and means to carry the voice of the silenced hand, and graced by hearts of thunder. Stalks we high upon clouds of monster breath run short, in a time of ear-or tongue retort. Only those demons and devils utter proof of jacks tail, and yet bear toot was the blinding hailing of a leaky grail. We have grown after all, we have heard at least part of the call. Asking why under the starlight bright upon I chest. Of treasured majestic wholesome oneness I rest. We are this light I spoke of, responsible for none except one, and in that lay thy test. Come forth from agony to run the home from hound, lost, broken, abandoned, and unsound. A mongrel with only a father of golden scaled intent, only to drag him a-new to a place of iron-clad self-control and silver repent. So yes daughter relent your despairs, you brother will survive strife-ridden malcontrast, with bitter-sweet resilient root unity content.

Burn up the weeds of mind with soul herb of a just high, each in all alone in each ones eyes. Long has the lamb lined up among deserted cact-I, encircling us, sacrificing four and fro;toe in the altered abyss. Yet only to awaken titans of self, blazing forth from the ash. Firing a flaming spear of terrestrial proportion through the minds ear. Slash and thrash thy massed culture of gideon unpenance, and eternal back pay by our father’s etheric hand loan. A land, ripe with glory potential glow and not to say a beauty yet unrealized, ignored, and unknown. And pause on the statement that which mind portrays to convey as beauty, as I son’s and daughters’ still struggle to eat a meal, kill one another, and sleep in the street. While life that remains chokes, chewing on the joint wheels of long forgotten dinosaur ideals. Where’s the line? What will I have to see before realizing what I believe to be “most brilliant” in I heads, yet is only still the rump of a swine? A swine indeed I say and let me be clear, I DO love my cousin porcine breds, its foul rotten police that I’m speaking of here. And forgive I I slights I don’t mean to press worry, or stress I thy heights. But really, when did “oath of honor”, become a synonym for “corporate bullet donor”?

So I ask I and I what’s the next step? The next knot on the line? Perhaps a forced hope of experienced de-vine? Or care for a separate life of  not only my own, since what is life worth if ownly the life of a clone? Smokeable breakfasts and drinkable feasts, all of which in the ends, end side with the least. Oneness with all, out-strung to none, the other stance of free will is the way of the gun. Men striking down maiden as coward to fear. Cousins mow down cousins forgetting that no matter where you were born, we all stem from one primordial lineage here.

So remember I life, and hold the false mind dear. Forgive I-self, and all that strike against I, as the sight of the seer.