When I was a child there was nothing that could be said that would change my opinions away from my mother’s. I was her first born and she was my mother and all was sanctity. She would tell me about Jesus and the glory of god. About how all the other kids around me where naughty and misbehavior’s because they did not believe in the message of Jesus. She taught me the ideals of unconditional love and how she would always love me and that I will be her son forever. On the opposite end, my father was away for extended periods working. Although this was not a worst case scenario, I realized that as I grew up that was definitely something that changed my involvement with my peers and level of emotional integration with society. I felt as if I was being pulled in two different directions. I remember being brought up to stories of heaven and hell, good and bad, God and Satan. And the next side, a world without god only work and “reality.” I vividly remember getting into a fight with my father as a young boy, because my mother would teach me about the bible and the story of how god made Adam and Eve from dust and a rib. I remember my conviction of faith in that moment where I was standing in our house at the time and the tears running down my face as my father would say “what are you teaching him that stupidness for, there is no god.” And I yelling back that there was a god and that he loved us unconditionally. Little did I know at the time that he would turn out to be right in that respect. As I grew older many things happened in my experience that lead to my present understanding, but that I will get to eventually. Continuing with my line of today my parents divorced, got new partners. My sisters and I got new siblings, a new father and mother and two Christmases a year. I lived for twelve years in a house in Richmond B.C. with 2 sisters 2 step brothers and my Mom and here Common law husband. Weekends at my dad’s. An average Canadian upbringing I suppose for this point in history. After years mental hoola hoops with my Mom and her Husband. I eventually got fed up and 3 days after I turned 18 I left. I feel ambivalence towards this portion of my life because after I left the situation at the house continued to degrade. Anger and blame was prevalent while I lived there but after I left it just moved down the line. I was young and irresponsible in the years following. Even up to this day it’s hard to see myself as totally self sufficient I know that I didn’t/don’t want to use people in my experience, but so far had been one of bouncing around living with friends, family, and girlfriends. Why I’m really sharing all this is in among-st all of the background story my Mom broke up with her Husband after 14 years together, and my mom without a place to go lived with me on several occasions the following 3 years or so. During the time that we lived together I learn quite a bit about her past and mine. There was much anger, sadness, love, regret, selfishness…. much of my currently known and unknown emotions, feelings, and beliefs constantly flowing around the domicile. It remains a overwhelming cyclic time period of my life. I can tell that I still carry quite a bit of reaction around with me from then. I don’t know how to handle it with an effective presence. I do my best when dealing with my mother as she still sees life as a struggle of issues. Many of the memories of the past that have remained unresolved for her. She is currently unable to deal with them in a proactive practical way always falling back into emotion and fear. I eventually had to leave once again because it kept coming back around to where everything was directed towards me once again. It felt like I was to shoulder the brunt of the emotional weight for her. It was unceasing and relentless. It makes me feel slightly helpless since she is my mother and I would like see her happy and feel stable within her experience. I realized that this is something that I cannot achieve for her. Rather only recognizing the same tendencies within myself and taking steps to ensure that the same thing is not passed into my experience. This is a system within myself that I have come to see inside me that know needs to be taken care of.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel fear about what may or may not happen in my experience know that there are situations that are not in my control, but rather the point of control lies within my reactions or non reactions to a situation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I understand what unconditional love is when clearly I do not, as I have seen myself and others preach the ideals of unconditional love and all the while live that love within contexts of limitation. Making it a self interested love.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if there is some “higher being” separate from self that is our creator that is somehow loves us all, separating us from the responsibility to truly love each other as equal and one with all of existence.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for ignoring the fact that if there was/is a god that loves us all equally then why is there so much malcontent, violence, hunger, and hatred across the earth.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold conviction in conclusions that are put forth for me instead of coming to my own realizations about what is, and where our reality came from even though I was only a young boy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for reaction in and emotional way about what others around me believed to be the nature about reality in thus forgoing any clear inquiring insight into the matter, instead only crying about it and throwing a tantrum in regards to choosing one parents ideals over the other because I was siding with the parent at the time, not even the ideals per-say.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like my mother “had all the answers”, and that she was above wrong doing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that somehow all of the other children around me were sinners of a sorts, this in turn driving me away and separating me from my sense of community and ability to communicate effectively.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I need to have a sense of community with people other then the guiding message of equality and oneness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that work is a primary meaning of life, and replacing the foundation of life equality as being being equal and one with the earth and all nature of life in the universe.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anger toward my father for fighting with my mother and in not having the same beliefs with me at the time. ie: not believing in god.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I have been raised in a average type of family because of the region of the world I live in. And for not realizing that the “average” description is a loaded word based on constantly shifting paradigms. The true average would be in living equal and one with everything, family would also take root in that.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take sides and feel responsible for my parents thoughts, emotions, and beliefs therefore accepting this behavior into my experience for myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for believing that having Christmas twice was a good thing because I would get more gifts and things for myself, instead of a time of sharing and renewal of life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for feeling ambivalent with the choice that I made to leave at 18 and realize that that has happened already and I cannot change that choice. I can only become one with it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not having the patience to stay my anger at the time and perhaps be able to change the outcome.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that in by staying I might have been able to make a difference in the way things would have turned out.
I Forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I was for the belief that I was being irresponsible in my youth. And self sabotaging myself from the perspective of placing blame on myself.
I Forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that I am placing blame onto others for my reactions to others in my own experiences as I am shifting the point away from self responsibility.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sorry for myself by justifying my experiences through mild sarcastic tone through out the statement in terms like “average” and a “could have been worse” attitude.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I was not and am not self sufficient, I am accepting feelings about the past into my present moment. And in this creating a feedback loop making the feeling of fear of not being adequate with myself a reality in the present moment and separating myself from the now as the breathe of life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in feelings and emotions when confronted with stories, and revelations told by my mother about her past.
I forgive myself for accepting and allow myself to feel shame in judging my mother by way of reacting in anger and self serving mentalities when I hear her stories.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that this time period of my life was/is cyclic, and holding the belief that I carry emotional weight around with me from that portion of my life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself in believing that I am trapped within those past memories. That I cannot handle myself in effective way, and that I stagnating my self expression as one and equal to life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to actively retaliate sadistically against my mother by saying things that I knew would cause her to react emotionally.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I can make people change, when all that I can really control is my own emotions, feelings, and thoughts. And all actions based on those emotions, feeling, and thoughts.
I commit myself to become equal and one with these reactions of emotion that I feel about this portion of my past. Realize that it is in the past and that feeling emotion will only feed energy to the system in the present.
I commit myself to stop thinking that I understand what unconditional love means while under my own delusion of judgments of people, things, beliefs. Rather understanding that true unconditional love would include all natures of reality and in giving up all remnants of personal gain, self servitude, and judgment of the present moment.
I commit myself to become one with my past, by remaining here in the present through breathe as equality as life.
I commit myself to stop judging situations from a point of sarcasm, as sarcasm denotes a point of not being at ease with the present moment, by rather making fun of it, thus showing my inequality with the moment, people, things, beliefs.
I commit myself to stop feelings of confinement, and cyclic time periods through self forgiveness application and the non participation of worrying thoughts, emotions, beliefs.
I commit myself to breathe deeply once I start to feel these worrying sensations start to arise. To be here now in the present, releasing judgments about situations whether they are in the past, present, or future.
I commit myself to take responsibility for myself by not placing blame on others for how I feel and commit myself to investigate how I built walls around myself in doing so.
I commit myself to stop blaming myself for situations in which I react but actually have no control over other then my own reactions.
I commit myself to stop forming a vision of myself as either adequate/inadequate self-sufficient or not in a situation, and rather realize that I am equal and one with all in my experience and my actions reflect that as I stay within the breathe of life as oneness and equality.
I commit myself to stop feelings of freedom when I am not confronted with anyone’s thoughts, beliefs, as true freedom lies in oneness and equality for all life on earth and the universe.
I commit myself to stop actions of sadism, realizing that this is a direct form of separation of which the only point is to take personal pleasure from hurting someone else. Rather I commit myself to find clarity for myself and reflect that clarity of equality and oneness to others as a living example, for myself as all.
I commit myself to be be flexible in my conviction and not to hold on to any belief systems. Know that life is open and holds many perspectives some which may come to change older understandings of the mechanisms of life.
I commit myself to write within my ability and to not feel as if I need to “write essay’s” about myself in effort to clear myself faster, in fact realizing that I may be making my process harder by not being able sit focused and finish a topic in one sitting.
I commit myself to my process of self exploration and commit to understanding myself as life as equality and oneness.