1. Hiding from myself and making excuses.

I have been aware of the Desteni message for quite some time now. Following me through out the past 5 years or so. In all this time it occurred to me just now that I have been tip toeing on the edge of the playing field not knowing if I want to get involved. Coming up with all sorts of excuses as to why not to start this process. Things ranging from; I don’t know how, or what to write about self-forgiveness, I’m not going to do it right anyways, how can I really trust these people, i got friends to hang out with, I’m too high…. and many more as I suppose that I will find out in the days to come. I can say that over the past week or so after starting the I process lite I realized for myself that I can write about myself, and realize things about myself. I just need to do it. To start somewhere. One of the main reason’s for not starting I suppose is that I have not come into contact with another person in my physical reality that will entertain the message of Desteni as more then a novelty. Thinking that I am naive for at seeing the view that it is possible for humanity to change it’s ways. Or on the flip side that no negativity exists in the physical reality around us and needs to be addressed before we have play time, only positiveness bubbles all around me. I have found myself trapped inside a self imposed cell believing that I need someone, ANYONE to validate these messages of equality before I could fully accept them. All the while the acceptance was already there in front of me plain and clear for me to see. Around I go on my four on the floor concrete joy ride. Stopping long enough to build up enough dissonance to feel the need to punish myself with a few good slams and a fat joint of BC medicinal grade for dessert. This was my solution. Evidently this still is my solution. I look at all the videos and blogs and vlogs, convincing myself that it could never be me. Seeing day’s in the hundred’s and only feeling intimidation, not gaining inspiration or support. I have no one to blame in these cases but myself. I can see that now. So much time wasted as a slave, slave to the system, slave to my mind. I hated being in the system so much that I couldn’t realize that perhaps it was my mind is the system and that it was doing that same hating. It’s a strange thing to hate and love at the same time. I feels like I am insane half the time. Fighting with myself as to why I keep failing and why not fail. Am I really failing or is this the way it is supposed to be like my friends and family telling me it is all for a reason. Strange and dis-concerning advice from all angles. All except my own. Deluding myself in countless ways, even now I am unsure if I am being self honest. But I am making a step. The first small step for myself as all as one. To see for myself if this thing called equality is really me.

 

I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel trapped within a constant cycle of separation from myself. Feeling like I need someone or something external to make me feel like I am whole. This feeling is a falsity in itself as life in its entirety is here now in support of me as equality of life.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to remain sidelined from the rest of existence, and pretending that I am on some level worthy of being special as an individual mind consciousness system ego formation, separate from self as the whole of existence as life. Not realizing that as a whole one and equal we can become a real definition of special, together as the true manifestation of oneness.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to deceive myself into thinking that I don’t know how to write about myself. Tricking myself through varies devices of addiction, avoidance, and doubt, or neediness of approval and acceptance. 

I forgive myself for allowing myself to deceive myself by feeling like there is no support when there is ample support. Not only from the members of the Desteni group, but from the vary Earth itself which has been sustaining I for the whole of this lifetime and all that came before.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to not just ask for help if I need it instead of hiding behind excuses made up by my separate self interested ego.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel that I NEED to be in physical proximity with another person of the same MIND-SET to be able to accept the validation of the message of equality of life as one as equal as myself. Not realizing that in that same mind-set I have locked myself in a cell of ever physically taking steps to meet someone that actually truly walks that message.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel like meeting someone like that in the physical is important to my process. Deluding myself that the person responsible for my process is not myself only.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to have feelings and ideas about what other people may be thinking about me when I tell them about the Desteni message. In fact by having prejudgments about how people may view me only causes more separation and confusion. 

I forgive myself for allowing myself to trap myself within the context of drugs. Feeling like they offer some form of completion of self when really the only real completion come with the realization that all is one and equal with everything. Therefore I have separated myself from life as equality when I require some substance to make me feel in a higher state Consciousness.  

I forgive myself for allowing myself to think that physical pain can somehow take away the pain of the inequality around the globe. That by taking falls this will somehow make up for all the other pain caused around the world through my own non action. That by skateboarding I can somehow vindicate my abstinence of self responsibility as equality of life for all. That by practicing awareness through skateboarding without first understanding how my mind works and even allows me to function in a way that lets me physically do that and that it will make me a better more caring person somehow.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel intimidation and anxiety about starting this process of death and rebirth into the physical. Not realizing that those feelings are self created and not acceptable as they are of the mind and are not real or accepted in and as oneness and equality as life.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to partake in emotions such as love and hate believing that I understand what the meaning of these words mean when in fact I don’t and their impact on the world as a duality manifestation is actually creating more separation and dissonance. 

I forgive myself for allowing myself to convince myself that I cannot trust myself and that by trusting the advice of the people around me and not having that trust in my own sense of truth about the equal nature of the planet and universe has cause me to fall on a constant basis. And Remain in a place of fear and doubt as to never allow me to see life in a equal and one standing point.

I commit myself to a journey of self realization one step at a time. Not judging myself for my temporary failures and misunderstandings, but rather taking a responsible and inquisitive stance to my journey to life as equality.

I commit myself to find time to write about myself and form a series of material documenting my journey through the practice of deconstructing the mind systems within myself in a self forgiveness application.

I commit myself to remain motivated in my journey knowing that support is only a question away and that if I am unsure of a particular point all that is required is to ask.

I commit myself to not judge others from a place of my own ego’s wants to be somehow superior to my peers,family, and nature. Realizing that we are all equal and one.

I commit myself not to feel judged by any advice that the members of Desteni may have to offer me along my journey, knowing that they are only coming from a place of equality as life as myself, and there is nothing to be afraid of, as only my ego feels fear.

I commit myself to make a conscious effort to understand my addictions and stop them.

I commit myself to practice oneness and equality in and as life, with all that my current understanding allows as well making a effort to continue to expand my understanding on a constant basis.

I commit myself to not fear this process knowing that it is a process and that it will take time to fully understand myself. It will take time to fully understand how to stand on my own as an example of life as one as equal. 

I commit myself to stand as this example.

Advertisements

One thought on “1. Hiding from myself and making excuses.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s