4. Up in smoke part 1

I would like to explore my experience with smoking today. I started smoking when I was 17. I remember being around cigarettes my who life though since my mother has been smoking the whole time. When I was a child I developed a great disdain for cigarettes as on some level I think that I resented my mother for smoking. I knew that cigarettes were “bad for me” because she would tell me so. She would also tell me that if I ever wanted to try them that I should come to her to try them. I remember having curiosities about it I even remember rolling up a cigarette made from shredded up paper and trying to smoke that, because it looked cool. Well as I grew older my relationship with my mother became increasingly rough and rocky. I actually found out around this time that my mom was a avid pot smoker, I actually remember holding judgement and associations with anyone that smoked as being a bad person or a mean person. I started dating a girl around 16. After realizing that she smoked, cigarettes and pot, I started having all sorts of judgments about her, putting a lot of pressure on her to stop smoking. Telling her and having a belief system in place that she was not the same person as when she was sober. Over time as we dated things became increasingly pressured in my mind and I broke down at one point. I had made this as well as smoking pot a reason why she wasn’t committed to me. Not seeing, or taking into account that actually my behavior was also factor in driving us apart. So one night at a party out of spite I suppose, I told here to let me have one of her cigarettes. (Actually come to think of it I believe this might have been the same night I first ever got drunk…) Since then I have had a long and arduous relationship with cigarettes  So many have been smoked and the addiction has run deep at times. I broke up with that girl some time later but my new “girlfriend” stayed behind and pretty much took over. I think since then I have not gone two weeks without actively smoking. What started out as a way to get back at people, developed into a self hate tool. A way to continue to punish myself for feeling shitty about myself and who I was behaving as, and what I had done. Essentially self sabotaging.

I will continue to exploring this point in the next blog…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for holding judgement and disdain toward my mother for smoking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold a mind created judgement that cigarettes are/were bad for me.

I forgive myself accepting and allowing myself to have energetic responses judgments and back chats about anyone I saw or found out smoked cigarettes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold smoking in such a way in my mind as to incite curiosity or some kind of cool status because of the image it presented.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have thoughts and hold judgement about people that smoke cigarettes and/or pot as mean, cruel, or failure of a person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for putting so much pressure on others for things that are essentially out of my control in the moment while ignoring and sub-cumming to things/actions that are in my control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my mind to come to conclusion in which had no actual basis at the time to hold judgement. And make up the idea that my girlfriend was not committed to me because of her habits.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that my own actions and judgement in those times where in fact partially a fuel source for those habits in my girlfriend.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let emotional reaction be a reason to guide my actions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel spite towards others and think that using there own actions against them will in fact make them change in some way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my relationship with cigarettes has be a hard and arduous task when in fact it in itself has be a ultimate giving in and quitting on myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am deeply addicted to cigarettes wherein if I actually look closely at the so called addiction that I is only the mind system that creates the addiction and my body does not need cigarettes in the slightest. In fact my body has shown me time and time again that it rejects cigarettes and I have ignored my body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore my body and its right to life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself a chance since starting smoking to explore the path that I was on previous to smoking and perhaps even justifying my actions by rendering those previous viewpoints to ones of a naive boy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to self hate, and self sabotage. Feeling sorry for myself and letting it manifest as the habit of smoking cigarettes in a self destructive manner.