8. My attraction demon.

My very own, “I’m so attracted to you so I won’t talk to you demon.”

Recently I have been talking a closer look at myself in concerns with my relationship to girls. Dating, love, desire, appreciation, cowardice, courage, humility, vanity, and so on. Perhaps from a point of self honesty I have not really be looking closer, but being kind treading water whilst the current of my inner ocean brings me closer to this island of my false personality. I know that I am in a place were my prime focus should be myself at this point. So I would like to just address and acknowledge this point as it has been only gaining more hold in my mind over the past few days, my mind keeps interfering with this process always seemingly to place a utmost importance in girls or getting with girls or having a girlfriend or wanting approval from girls…. What is really this point? Could it be that up to this point I have always been quite cowardly when it concerns approaching girls in the public domain. Not opening up on fear of rejection. Not opening up based on shame of past behavior  Not opening up based on being hurt in the past. Making excuses that its not the right situation, not the right girl, there is no connection, there is to much of a connection, she is out of my class, I’m out of HER class allll sorts of garbage from over the years to flake out and not take action in my life. Taking the easiest path always. And others paying the price for it, and in the end the easiest way has actually become the hardest and requiring more dedication to correct. Taking it a step deeper, what am I really searching for? Why do I want to be in…. anything with someone at all. What is this desire I am noticing? Is it the sex, did I drill some voracious appetite into myself via smoking joints and watching porn??? Maybe. Or more likely its something to do with a self interested  self created, sense of incompleteness. Where does this stem from. Even when in a relationship with girls I would still watch porn, I still can see the desire or attractive nature that I have towards girls of all types. All these different definitions of qualities that make all types, looks, and characters of girls uniquely attractive to me that I just cannot make up my !!!”MIND”!!!. In essence not wanting to be with only one girl but wanting the attention and praise of ALL girls essentially. What an ego. But obviously this is not possible and the ego takes blows from that realization. But yet it will try its damnedest to make sure I have at least the friendship of all the girls I meet. In this respect this is insane because as much as I see that there is a part of me that thinks that way in wanting/desiring female affection/attention they other side is a complete dunce who could not start a conversation with a girl on the bus randomly. I’m noticing that they work as a team to fuck me over from actually having some self integrity. How the one side says wow she is a soo cute you would like to get with her go talk to her take a chance, then the other side says but your going to make a total fool of yourself so just shut the fuck up and read your book asshole… Some heated debates going on in there sometimes. But the point is always in some form of self interest  getting some/thing or saving face. Again back to the point of incompleteness. Why do I see qualities that are attractive to me everywhere? Are these qualities in myself that I am revering or lacking? I do tend to place a image over people for there qualities at times, thinking that they must be like this because they look, act, talk, write, smile, move, eat, chew, smell……. like this. Not realizing at the time that I am making all that shit up. All sorts of judgement that pop up in spite of what I already know about equality and oneness. Not malicious but definitely unacceptable. I suppose that recently many of those judgments and thought have slowed and stopped in intensity and frequency but I still notice the tendencies of that nature within myself. I am still accepting and allowing past demons to have access to my present. I have tried to suppress it but never address it in a self honest way with a real intention to change, and suppressing it has never worked in effectively changing the thoughts or emotions that came/come through. In fact usually falling back and spiraling deeper in. So I would like this to be the beginning of a series of posts addressing this system within me and the start of a real commitment to release it. Self forgiveness on this post to follow.

So second day writing about this particular line of self investigation. I am a little nervous about exposing myself in this area as I defiantly means opening up in a way that shows some of my inner secrets about others about myself and how I actually seem to look at people around me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel nervousness about writing about this part of myself.

I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will not be able to change this behavior  sabotaging myself from the start.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I need to be with someone romantically to be happy with myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I need to give myself to someone for them to accept me fully or in other words that I must always be putting on a giving character based out of fearing or having poker chips to hold over my partner for later on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make stories and fantasies in my mind about various girls and why I find them attractive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fantasize about having sex with various girls, and not realizing that that I am in fact fucking my own mind, and essentially raping these girls energetically.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall so repeatedly into porn some many times.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to form a comparison between the girls that I would see in porn to the girls that I meet in my experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if girls are something that I must accomplish or archive greatness with, not realizing that in this very act I am hindering my sincerity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if no girl is right for me, or that I am totally different in some way that makes me not worthy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stop myself in moments of contemplation and breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stop myself in moments of self doubt and breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not speak self forgiveness in the moment of separation, not realizing that I am building up many points of individual separation that will have to be dealt with later.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place the importance of my experience outside of myself, focusing my attention on getting the attention of girls.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be with girls based on reasons of incomplete self view.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I need approval from girls to feel confident in my self image and emotional state.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act by reaction to the responses and cues that are often put out there by girls, in fact only playing a game of energy exchange.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not allow myself to be open to all girls equally, sharing myself and my view uninhibited to all, in fact hiding behind a wall of shame based in the past behaviors.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continuously self sabotage by drifting off the point being here now in the breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become distracted from the application that is at hand.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being cowardly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see any kind of division between me and other people especially girls. Not realizing that having a class type judgement division system is pure separation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge girls based on their appearance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always take the easiest route with girls and instead of applying myself to myself first figuring out what I would like to give and receive in agreement with another person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see where my actions have brought pain and separation to others within my experiences  and in fact only lengthening my own process in time and complexity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I have created a insurmountable task ahead of myself by not listening to what the message of Desteni is really saying.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have this self interested desire toward all women, not realizing that I am in fact looking to fill in a gap withing myself by ways of seeking female attention and praise.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if rather then seeing each girl as equals and one, I have inadvertently broke them apart accordingly to there qualities of looks, personalities, and relationships.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view myself as a dunce, when clearly what is really happening is that I am approaching the situations from the mind and making up a scenario in my mind as to what could I do to invoke a particular outcome when talking to girls and in such self sabotaging any form of equal connection with females.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to succumb to both sides of my ego personality on this matter and not standing with integrity in oneness and equality when speaking to girls.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act only in self interest of getting something from females whether it be sexual or emotional gratification.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to mind fuck myself into not taking any action and in fact not even acknowledging girls or others as equal and one with me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that because the frequency of my judgement, sexual thoughts, and game playing intentions have become less that I am somehow accounted or accounting for these things.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let past habitual demons have unregulated access to my present day self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that suppressing these things within myself will effectively solve the issues, when clearly my own track record shows that this is not working.

I will continue with a new part to this subject shortly.

7. Cooking and politics.

So tonight I would like to go completely off topic from the last few posts. I was out at a popular local restaurant nearby with a friend of mine, Dan who is around my age, a year older. We were invited out to see some live music by another friend that we met a few years ago who is in her 50’s, she hired me at a restaurant that she was the hiring manager for. When I arrived there was a row of tables all pushed together with my two friends sitting there with a group of people. After a brief moment of anxiety and a few breathes to calm the doubts, I proceeded to say hello give hugs to my older friend and let her introduce me to all the people she had met from the week before. After shaking hands and smiling, I took a set next to Dan. And choose to have non-alcoholic beer. I had been introduced to a lady named Amber that was sitting across from us and her partner Chuck. And was eagerly told that Amber was a master chef. In fact a trainer of master chefs. This immediately caught my attention, as lately I have been quite down on myself for my lack of culinary luster as of late holding myself against my high standards. Even going so far as seeing myself as inferior, rusty, shitty, frustrated with the tedium, and angry about making mistakes at work today. *I have been thinking about going back to school again to finish the cooking course that I dropped out of back when I was 17 for awhile. But have been stuck for money for awhile now. Anyway as I started up a conversation with Amber she soon made clear that she had a lot of experience with teaching all sorts of people how to cook, and cook at a high proficiency  And that she was willing to teach me or help me find a job where I could learn. Through all of this I could not help to feel like this was to perfect and I couldn’t mess this up. I was being polite, overly so perhaps. I got her number and promised to call her to come visit her place. After I struck up a conversation with her husband, asking him what he did as a career path. He responded with “politics”. I was quite taken aback as I was not expecting that. I asked him if he was office and found out that he was in the opposition party here in B.C. He asked me if I voted. And I replied telling him that I have not voted in my life. (Which was a lie I suppose I voted for EMS) I noticed that he had a adverse reaction to this, and he proceeded to tell me that it is because of people like me is why something along the lines of “evil liberals” that were bleeding this nation dry were in power. I asked him what amount of people in Canada voted in the last election. And he told me there was a voter turnout of 45 percent. Upon hearing this I asked him that maybe if only 45 percent of people in Canada voted that there might be a underlying message that is not being heard or taken into account for that. He started to tell me it was corporate propaganda that was responsible. At this point I did not want to stir the pot beyond my capabilities to deal with so I responded by telling him that I did not want to get to opinionated but I saw this a global issue and that until the world can come to some consensus of what we are doing and have a sense of Equality among all people then Canada will never really be fixed in any lasting way. He started talking about how rich Canada was, comparing it to Norway in terms of the oil we have. I knew that I had lost him and was not able to pick my words clearly at this point and did not want to get in their bad books so I cut off my line of content from that point on. Falling back to casual conversation. I thought that I would have a chance to talk to him again after getting to know Amber a little better. He got up and played the harmonica with the band, he was really good. It was getting late so Dan and I said or good byes, and we left. But my experience with the night was very interesting as I much as I wanted to hold my ground I did not wanting to mess up an opportunity. Why? Was learning how to cook better a real reason to silence my opinions for another time? Am I doubting my view of the situation clearly or from a bias? Was I self honest in the situation or was I looking to achieve something out of self interest  When he told me he was in politics, the first thing that came to mind is that he could be useful in Desteni and EMS. But I knew he would hardly be able to see it without judgment at that point. Is that judgement on my point?

Overall I find out about myself that I still have a tendency to want to play nicely rather then getting dirty sometimes. I am getting better at not shying away from the conflicts in my experience but rather learning to choose where I would like to proceed with more tact then before. Seeing were I could interject something and choosing to hold my tongue  This is a point of much self discernment in times to come as I would like to know where it is appropriate to express fully and when it is wiser to just let the other person remain were they stand. And to learn that I cannot change anyone and fighting to do so will bring harm to both sides. People will or will not discover Desteni and EMS for themselves, and my primary point of self realization is to walk as example that people can see. But not for them primarily, I am the focus in that. But to voice the Desteni message wherever I can discern it to be appropriate.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anxious about going out to a place in public wherein I have to interact with people that I have never met before.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the unknown  not realizing that I am projecting my mind insecurities into the situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shy when being introduced to new people, and wondering what they think about me, if they are judging me on my appearance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become immediately excited when I found out that Amber was a master chef.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change my approach with her to something that could be beneficial for myself, even though she was telling me that she could help me find something I was looking for in the culinary world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become somebody else who may not be the direction that I want to go.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel uncertainty in that circumstance because I have not decided exactly what I want to do as a way of making money in the long run right now. And not fully expressing that to Amber when talking about it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel self doubt towards my ability in culinary arts and belittling myself by allowing myself to judge me based on others judgments  comments, and observations. Not trusting myself, and allowing this to manifest into my reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lash out towards others when they make comments about my cooking style, skill, and speed. Even if I am joking or rather convincing myself that I am joking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I am bored with the tedious parts of working that are repetitive or hard to swallow when confronted with others acts of laziness in the kitchen, like cleaning a dirty meat slicer over and over.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry for allowing me to make mistakes when allowing myself to fall into pits of not caring and giving up in moments.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fuel my feelings of inadequacy but thinking that I need to go back to school to become something better then what I am in the moment. Not realizing that in thinking such things I am creating barriers for my experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not accept me as I as my breathe in the moment, instead projecting someone in the future that is a better more knowledgeable cook.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if money is a barrier to me actually wanting to learn something or apply myself to something when really it just takes a commitment of self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if the situation was somehow just for me, and my experience, adding a mystical overlay to the experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the situation as a make or break deal, like I had to take this opportunity in someway or I would miss out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that going on TV or become some kinds of iconic food figure would make me more influential with the Desteni message. Essentially jumping ahead and converting the message into something that supports self interest functions in my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doctor my behavior and not necessarily be who I as one as equal in the moment. Gauging other peoples energy and reacting in a semi sociopathic way.

I forgive myself accepting and allowing myself to doubt my own sincerity with how I talk and interact with other people. Thinking that because I am still in systems that everything that I do/say is wrong or bad somehow, constantly sabotaging myself from the standpoint of a negative self image.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a predisposed position in my mind about politicians and politics in general. Wherein I see politicians and generally being corrupt or not understanding the whole picture of what humanity is facing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel some shock or react negatively upon learning that he was in one of the major two political parties in Canada.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assume that he was reacting to something that I had said when I told him that I did not vote.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not wanting to “stir the pot” as I may have come to this conclusion in such a way to preserve the opportunity with his wife. Essentially choosing to run from the topic.

I for give myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be courageous and forthcoming with how I viewed politics. Neither lying about how I see things nor expressing myself to the fullest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself think that I have a limit on my capabilities  thus effectively creating that limit.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself in terms of not trusting my choices and discernment in the situation. Thinking that I had lost him in someway like I need to convince him so I/we can make something happen.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall away from the topic back into casual conversations on the premise of not wanting to be black listed by this particular couple, effectively changing my mode of conduct to stay out of their “bad books”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stay on topic based on a assumption that I would see him again some other time.

Expression vs sharing.

 So recently I have been coming up against a point of where I would like to say things to the people that are in my experience. Just casually talk about what is new with me. Where I am at. What I have discovered. This usually leads to disaster of some sort, well not a disaster but defiantly issues with maintaining the connections with people. Family, friends, strangers, really for the most part does not matter who the person is. It is quite funny because the only three people that I have actually met that I can open up to and not feel some sort of resistance from or some holding back on my part are essentially strangers that I have only been around a few times. It’s the strangest experience as I have been around them for such a short time but its like we have been friends for ages. There is no shame to open up about  troubles with how I am viewing myself. Talking about where we need to be going. What things could mean in my experiences and how to go about approaching a solution. Talking with others in my day to day experience can ranged from opinionated to just ignoring. Clearly this is not the point of what I am here to do at this point. I am trying to get across to people by sharing second hand information rather then sharing myself with people. Sharing other’s points are taking the personal aspect from what I am trying to say. It is saying that I am only capable of having a stance via a set of proxies. And while sharing information is fine it is just more random facts or fictions. Why try to get a point across by someone else’s words, when I can write my own and the people that are interested to hear and share perspectives from that standpoint will. Rather then looking to move something inside people with shocking or emotional content which should be left to the others that are more aware of the depth of understanding that is needed. I need to understand that this is about my own personal points of expression not anyone else’s. I should be able to keep it in context to that from this point onward. I know that in my past it has been something of a battle between what I thought others need to hear, what I thought that I am about, and what I thought Destonians need to see me as to accept me. This is a counter productive stance to my process. I need to stop revering those that have applied themselves for a longer time in their process’s as as I have come to realize this is fueling procrastination demons within myself, I have created and inferiority character and have let it rule for a long time. Within this character I have set up myself for failure as I speak to people in such a way that is of a sharing disposition and not a expression of myself that stands for life. A superiority character within a inferiority character. Bizarre! Why should I not be courageous in my relationships, why must I maintain relationships with those that would not maintain their relationship with the planet in equality?  I do not want to make it harder for myself or others, and at this point of uncertainty and self doubt still present, the best course of action to take would to be extremely frugal with what I am choosing to share with others and focusing more on expressing myself in a humble and honest way, learn as much as I can and develop myself in such a way that will allow me to communicate myself in a way that is best for all. Stop trying to change others and make them better it has not worked so far so why continue with a insane course of action and continuously getting disappointed and feeling insulted which really comes down to me failing myself. Desteni is a SELF realization tool, not a other person realization tool. This is a main point that needs to be understood and implemented. If I can learn to express myself as life as one with equality with all, fully, face to face without shying away and falling into fear of judgement then everything that I am attempting to share with people through facebook and other peoples view will come through in my expression. If there arises is a need to deceive then I am not being honest with myself as others, plain and simple. 

6. To breathe, Or not to breathe. It is MY choice.

I am facing a point right now that is seemingly pivotal to my whole experience here. I have up to this point been able to remain consistently self dishonest. Looking so hard to find a way out of this then the obvious. It seems that for some reason I know what is to be done, but I just want to keep wasting time looking everywhere but myself. I do not want to abuse this process, I do not want to abuse self forgiveness any more then I already have. I do not want to stay on this point any longer, as it sounds so whinny inside here, with all this complaining, maybe the point here is that I am giving so much focus to the self dishonesty that I am just creating that reality to be the consistent one and focusing so much on the inconsistencies of my self honesty that that is the reality that is happening for that. I am getting my values mixed up once again…. or rather still. What should I do about this?? Well what I can do is to breathe…. stop myself and bring myself back to now. I know this information yet keep choosing to forget and stay in thought. Stay in mind. I’m choosing it I can see that because that is what is happening. I choose to think rather then look at myself breathing. Turning the message into something mystical, like a religion rather then what it is as a practical tool. Why has this point been so difficult to get past?? Why am I fighting my own breathe I do it anyway, breathe that is. I ask myself if it is ever in the best interest to be in thought. Yes. But I see that in the stage of were I am, the values of the thoughts are not anywhere near effective in what is best for all. What I can see with me is that it is a point of becoming lazy, or bored even with what is around me in the now. And feeds off the hundreds of prominent points of self interest and guiltiness and shame and so on that have not been addressed yet. Even points of shame based on feelings of happiness. I’ve created layer upon layers of points and at times it seems like it is hopeless and I just give in to the mind and let it run around again for a bit. I am realizing that this is the problem. It lies in ALWAYS being that consistent breathe. When ever I have a thought or emotion coming up I HAVE to stop it! Every time! I must be vigilant and undeniably consistent in this pursuit of self honesty. I know this information. I know it. But must not be self shame blaming myself into not walking it by THINKING that this is all it will ever be… a knowledge. When starting this process years ago I could/would not stay in breathe for more then 30 seconds  if that. Now I see that if I am being honest with myself, which means applying myself to myself in the moment, I can breathe and remain there for extended amounts of time… So I can do it. It just comes down to what is actually distracting me? Why am I CHOOSING to allow myself to think about, why do I choose to find those things to be more important then myself as breathe? Because it has been so much easier to just let the things that I have allowed myself to think is me to continue controlling the now. Rather then realizing that those things are not real. Thought forms based on selfish dreams of wants and desires. And disappointment on failures of achieving those dreams, wants, and desires. Not realizing that everything in here in the breathe, now. Not realizing that all this information is really just useless to me if I was not breathing, and that the information without breathing is a distraction from the breathe. Another excuse to use to not breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be here. In the breathe, in vigilance to my breathe as and understanding of amalgamation with life as breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself in a position of self dishonesty based on feelings shame by blaming myself into thoughts of never succeeding in this process my walk back to life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stumble continuously on the point of not choosing to be aware of my breathe and as allowing myself to let myself fall into a lazy character sense of self who would rather let thoughts run wild rather then see what is here in front of me by remaining as breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to self sabotage by holding myself in contempt of having a desire of not wanting to stay in the current state that I have allowing myself to be in. Essentially creating another point wherein I must deal with this feeling of not wanting this situation anymore.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to complain and whine to myself about where I am and what I cannot do, have not done yet, and why I am still a bad person. In doing so not realizing that I am reinforcing these points within myself. Creating a consistency with my dishonesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create series of consistent self dishonest judgement of self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stop myself in these moment and apply the four count breathe, and stopping the thoughts at those points.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if this is to hard to do, as I am in some way more complicated then others. In doing so failing to recognize that as inequality, and that everything that I am experiencing is a point that I have created. Not realizing that this is not a point of feeling sorry for myself but a point of liberation because it takes the focus back away from how hard it was/is for others back to the point of “this is MY journey.”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as I am not as strong as others that have walked before me, as this is the same thing in shifting the focus away.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have my values mixed up when I have not realized what that actually means. Wherein there are no values to mix up really. Only the value of life exist as reality and is here. The rest being separation which actually has no value except to the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there are in fact two poles of values when they are in fact one value. Not realizing that in trying to define sets of values to base/judge myself and my actions on I am creating a separation within myself as having good or bad values in place.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my thoughts do not hold any of this value of what is best for all life. In doing so I am shaming myself into those same thought patterns. And creating a system of belittlement towards my capabilities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create something mystical or religious within my mind about this/my process and in doing so creating a point of procrastination.

I  Forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create all of these layers of self deceptive thought patterns, based around a knowledge point of understanding the message but not acting on it right away and therefore exponentially creating points that require forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for never actually choosing to just attempt this in full participation of my self awareness just continuing to choose to remain in mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my mind manifest itself as self interest as desires, and dreams.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into disappointment when I do not achieve these dreams and desires, and use this as a excuse to not even attempt my process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that all of this knowledge will get me somewhere without realizing that it is a useless and pointless if I am not one and equal to life as breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create another point of separation and self deception based on viewing information as greater in importance then the breathe as life as I.

5. On self forgiveness Part 1.

Ok so my last post was on smoking and to be bluntly honest with myself I have fallen once again. Wondering were/why I cannot seem to follow through with my writings  I would like to step away from that point for a moment. Recently I have picked up again were I had left off in my Desteni I Process Lite course. I just started lesson four and it has open up many new avenues of consideration for myself concerning my forgiveness applications. I realized while reading and listening to the information that there are many many similarities with some of the applications of others that have come before mine that are pretty much dead on to what I have been allowing and accepting within myself during this process to self honesty. I cannot continue to allow myself to deceive myself by thinking that I cannot, or do not understand how to do self forgiveness. It is a process to be practiced in a day by day, breath by breath manner. I can’t allow myself to fear it. If there is fear or uncertainty then the words will mean essentially nothing and represent that fear and uncertainty. I must learn and practice this application with a manner of willingness to change from fear to honest self expression. A willingness to step away from the resistance and embarrassment of speaking brutally honest words of what I have allowed myself to become. Not fearing in essence anything that would hold me back from committing to this process fully. Not the fear of how long it will take. Not the fear of how difficult it will be. Not the fear of all the darkest of my secret behavioral demons. Not fearing my friends, families, or societies rejection of me. I know now that this will take time to unravel the knots of deception within, and that I cannot force these changes to happen overnight. And in fact by desiring these immediate changes and self gratifying statements I am actually only hampering my deconstruction of self as the ego. I cannot merely say/write words that only serve to glorify my self image in the eyes of my peers in Desteni as this will only add layers to the deception. I understand that this point is something that is/has a point of attachment in my mind systems as I can see it were I am impatient with myself in this process and a false sense of uncertainty of were to begin has lingered for a unacceptable amount of time. This is were I must begin to start as without that foundation starting point all other writing and forgiveness applications will be in vain. I must learn to trust myself in and how I talk and write to myself. Form a consistent relationship with myself and change the perspective of how I see myself doing this process from a morose little fucker to having fun with it and making it a time of self reflective expression. Only then with the meaning of my applications become real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear self forgiveness as a tool to release that same fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fuck myself by not allowing myself to have a fun while writing and speaking my self forgiveness application.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel embarrassment about things that have happened in my past to the point of self stagnation and giving up before I even have attempted to start.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not even look at the points with a intent to actually release them. And instead just muddling through them to get them over with as to obtain something out of the words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that that makes no sense whatsoever because the words only have meaning if I mean them. And meaning them means living it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to person please by writing statements with the intent to gain some kind of self interest response from others, not realizing that this is not transcending the point only compounding it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become distracted withing writing forgiveness and not staying on point, not realizing that with consistent application this point will fade.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what everyone around me will think of me if I attempt to forgive myself and openly express myself in a manner of blunt self honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that point as to make up scenarios about what could happen if I was to do this expression in self honesty to the point were I have in fact bred the same experience that I have feared with people in my experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stop when these thoughts, fears and emotion arise, and take a breath, and another moving past the fear and speaking to release it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for wanting/desiring to be more then what I am presently, holding myself back in such desires wants.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others for their lack of awareness, acceptance of their systems, judging others for their judgment, and failing to recognize that those are transcendence points of my own wherein they could in fact see if it were not for my own lack of self honesty and clarity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a placeholder in others processes in such diverting myself from the real focal point of my own process thus creating another self deception.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lust after others acceptance of me no matter what the cost to them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allow myself to lust/desire/want acceptance from girls. To seem smart or deep with girls in society  or  to seem sincere with girls in Desteni not taking into account for the underlying reason for that lusting which is based on self loathing. And a incomplete acceptance of self. Looking for love essentially which is in fact a indication of incompleteness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take soooo much time to start this actual process of self honesty and realize that for self which is the one and only person/reason that I should be doing this for.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel uncertainty about all of my writing’s so far. I must understand that this is not a absolute thing and that there will be points that will continue to pop up even after I have apparently released them through writing. I must form a vigilant self corrective routine with myself for myself and realize that feedback from others is not a valid reason for writing these statements it is only self gratifying if the reason is searching for some type of acceptance or experience from others.

I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I need to have a set structure to this right now. Not realizing the point that it will make itself know to myself as I move myself forward in honesty. And the realizations will become clearer and more organized as I play with my process in a more consistent manner, developing my own style into my application.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the amount of time and effort that it my take to undo the effects and layers of deception that I have created for myself through procrastinating this process. By deceiving myself into thinking that I don’t know how to writing self forgiveness and in fact running away from it by not even attempting ask or investigate for myself in the past. Not realizing that the answer has been there this whole time I have only be reacting as fear in my mind.

I would like to stop here for tonight.

I will continue tomorrow.