Ok so my last post was on smoking and to be bluntly honest with myself I have fallen once again. Wondering were/why I cannot seem to follow through with my writings I would like to step away from that point for a moment. Recently I have picked up again were I had left off in my Desteni I Process Lite course. I just started lesson four and it has open up many new avenues of consideration for myself concerning my forgiveness applications. I realized while reading and listening to the information that there are many many similarities with some of the applications of others that have come before mine that are pretty much dead on to what I have been allowing and accepting within myself during this process to self honesty. I cannot continue to allow myself to deceive myself by thinking that I cannot, or do not understand how to do self forgiveness. It is a process to be practiced in a day by day, breath by breath manner. I can’t allow myself to fear it. If there is fear or uncertainty then the words will mean essentially nothing and represent that fear and uncertainty. I must learn and practice this application with a manner of willingness to change from fear to honest self expression. A willingness to step away from the resistance and embarrassment of speaking brutally honest words of what I have allowed myself to become. Not fearing in essence anything that would hold me back from committing to this process fully. Not the fear of how long it will take. Not the fear of how difficult it will be. Not the fear of all the darkest of my secret behavioral demons. Not fearing my friends, families, or societies rejection of me. I know now that this will take time to unravel the knots of deception within, and that I cannot force these changes to happen overnight. And in fact by desiring these immediate changes and self gratifying statements I am actually only hampering my deconstruction of self as the ego. I cannot merely say/write words that only serve to glorify my self image in the eyes of my peers in Desteni as this will only add layers to the deception. I understand that this point is something that is/has a point of attachment in my mind systems as I can see it were I am impatient with myself in this process and a false sense of uncertainty of were to begin has lingered for a unacceptable amount of time. This is were I must begin to start as without that foundation starting point all other writing and forgiveness applications will be in vain. I must learn to trust myself in and how I talk and write to myself. Form a consistent relationship with myself and change the perspective of how I see myself doing this process from a morose little fucker to having fun with it and making it a time of self reflective expression. Only then with the meaning of my applications become real.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear self forgiveness as a tool to release that same fear.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fuck myself by not allowing myself to have a fun while writing and speaking my self forgiveness application.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel embarrassment about things that have happened in my past to the point of self stagnation and giving up before I even have attempted to start.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not even look at the points with a intent to actually release them. And instead just muddling through them to get them over with as to obtain something out of the words.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that that makes no sense whatsoever because the words only have meaning if I mean them. And meaning them means living it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to person please by writing statements with the intent to gain some kind of self interest response from others, not realizing that this is not transcending the point only compounding it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become distracted withing writing forgiveness and not staying on point, not realizing that with consistent application this point will fade.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what everyone around me will think of me if I attempt to forgive myself and openly express myself in a manner of blunt self honesty.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that point as to make up scenarios about what could happen if I was to do this expression in self honesty to the point were I have in fact bred the same experience that I have feared with people in my experience.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stop when these thoughts, fears and emotion arise, and take a breath, and another moving past the fear and speaking to release it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for wanting/desiring to be more then what I am presently, holding myself back in such desires wants.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others for their lack of awareness, acceptance of their systems, judging others for their judgment, and failing to recognize that those are transcendence points of my own wherein they could in fact see if it were not for my own lack of self honesty and clarity.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a placeholder in others processes in such diverting myself from the real focal point of my own process thus creating another self deception.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lust after others acceptance of me no matter what the cost to them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allow myself to lust/desire/want acceptance from girls. To seem smart or deep with girls in society or to seem sincere with girls in Desteni not taking into account for the underlying reason for that lusting which is based on self loathing. And a incomplete acceptance of self. Looking for love essentially which is in fact a indication of incompleteness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take soooo much time to start this actual process of self honesty and realize that for self which is the one and only person/reason that I should be doing this for.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel uncertainty about all of my writing’s so far. I must understand that this is not a absolute thing and that there will be points that will continue to pop up even after I have apparently released them through writing. I must form a vigilant self corrective routine with myself for myself and realize that feedback from others is not a valid reason for writing these statements it is only self gratifying if the reason is searching for some type of acceptance or experience from others.
I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I need to have a set structure to this right now. Not realizing the point that it will make itself know to myself as I move myself forward in honesty. And the realizations will become clearer and more organized as I play with my process in a more consistent manner, developing my own style into my application.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the amount of time and effort that it my take to undo the effects and layers of deception that I have created for myself through procrastinating this process. By deceiving myself into thinking that I don’t know how to writing self forgiveness and in fact running away from it by not even attempting ask or investigate for myself in the past. Not realizing that the answer has been there this whole time I have only be reacting as fear in my mind.
I would like to stop here for tonight.
I will continue tomorrow.