I am facing a point right now that is seemingly pivotal to my whole experience here. I have up to this point been able to remain consistently self dishonest. Looking so hard to find a way out of this then the obvious. It seems that for some reason I know what is to be done, but I just want to keep wasting time looking everywhere but myself. I do not want to abuse this process, I do not want to abuse self forgiveness any more then I already have. I do not want to stay on this point any longer, as it sounds so whinny inside here, with all this complaining, maybe the point here is that I am giving so much focus to the self dishonesty that I am just creating that reality to be the consistent one and focusing so much on the inconsistencies of my self honesty that that is the reality that is happening for that. I am getting my values mixed up once again…. or rather still. What should I do about this?? Well what I can do is to breathe…. stop myself and bring myself back to now. I know this information yet keep choosing to forget and stay in thought. Stay in mind. I’m choosing it I can see that because that is what is happening. I choose to think rather then look at myself breathing. Turning the message into something mystical, like a religion rather then what it is as a practical tool. Why has this point been so difficult to get past?? Why am I fighting my own breathe I do it anyway, breathe that is. I ask myself if it is ever in the best interest to be in thought. Yes. But I see that in the stage of were I am, the values of the thoughts are not anywhere near effective in what is best for all. What I can see with me is that it is a point of becoming lazy, or bored even with what is around me in the now. And feeds off the hundreds of prominent points of self interest and guiltiness and shame and so on that have not been addressed yet. Even points of shame based on feelings of happiness. I’ve created layer upon layers of points and at times it seems like it is hopeless and I just give in to the mind and let it run around again for a bit. I am realizing that this is the problem. It lies in ALWAYS being that consistent breathe. When ever I have a thought or emotion coming up I HAVE to stop it! Every time! I must be vigilant and undeniably consistent in this pursuit of self honesty. I know this information. I know it. But must not be self shame blaming myself into not walking it by THINKING that this is all it will ever be… a knowledge. When starting this process years ago I could/would not stay in breathe for more then 30 seconds if that. Now I see that if I am being honest with myself, which means applying myself to myself in the moment, I can breathe and remain there for extended amounts of time… So I can do it. It just comes down to what is actually distracting me? Why am I CHOOSING to allow myself to think about, why do I choose to find those things to be more important then myself as breathe? Because it has been so much easier to just let the things that I have allowed myself to think is me to continue controlling the now. Rather then realizing that those things are not real. Thought forms based on selfish dreams of wants and desires. And disappointment on failures of achieving those dreams, wants, and desires. Not realizing that everything in here in the breathe, now. Not realizing that all this information is really just useless to me if I was not breathing, and that the information without breathing is a distraction from the breathe. Another excuse to use to not breathe.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be here. In the breathe, in vigilance to my breathe as and understanding of amalgamation with life as breathe.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself in a position of self dishonesty based on feelings shame by blaming myself into thoughts of never succeeding in this process my walk back to life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stumble continuously on the point of not choosing to be aware of my breathe and as allowing myself to let myself fall into a lazy character sense of self who would rather let thoughts run wild rather then see what is here in front of me by remaining as breathe.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to self sabotage by holding myself in contempt of having a desire of not wanting to stay in the current state that I have allowing myself to be in. Essentially creating another point wherein I must deal with this feeling of not wanting this situation anymore.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to complain and whine to myself about where I am and what I cannot do, have not done yet, and why I am still a bad person. In doing so not realizing that I am reinforcing these points within myself. Creating a consistency with my dishonesty.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create series of consistent self dishonest judgement of self.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stop myself in these moment and apply the four count breathe, and stopping the thoughts at those points.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if this is to hard to do, as I am in some way more complicated then others. In doing so failing to recognize that as inequality, and that everything that I am experiencing is a point that I have created. Not realizing that this is not a point of feeling sorry for myself but a point of liberation because it takes the focus back away from how hard it was/is for others back to the point of “this is MY journey.”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as I am not as strong as others that have walked before me, as this is the same thing in shifting the focus away.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have my values mixed up when I have not realized what that actually means. Wherein there are no values to mix up really. Only the value of life exist as reality and is here. The rest being separation which actually has no value except to the mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there are in fact two poles of values when they are in fact one value. Not realizing that in trying to define sets of values to base/judge myself and my actions on I am creating a separation within myself as having good or bad values in place.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my thoughts do not hold any of this value of what is best for all life. In doing so I am shaming myself into those same thought patterns. And creating a system of belittlement towards my capabilities.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create something mystical or religious within my mind about this/my process and in doing so creating a point of procrastination.
I Forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create all of these layers of self deceptive thought patterns, based around a knowledge point of understanding the message but not acting on it right away and therefore exponentially creating points that require forgiveness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for never actually choosing to just attempt this in full participation of my self awareness just continuing to choose to remain in mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my mind manifest itself as self interest as desires, and dreams.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into disappointment when I do not achieve these dreams and desires, and use this as a excuse to not even attempt my process.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that all of this knowledge will get me somewhere without realizing that it is a useless and pointless if I am not one and equal to life as breathe.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create another point of separation and self deception based on viewing information as greater in importance then the breathe as life as I.