So tonight I would like to go completely off topic from the last few posts. I was out at a popular local restaurant nearby with a friend of mine, Dan who is around my age, a year older. We were invited out to see some live music by another friend that we met a few years ago who is in her 50’s, she hired me at a restaurant that she was the hiring manager for. When I arrived there was a row of tables all pushed together with my two friends sitting there with a group of people. After a brief moment of anxiety and a few breathes to calm the doubts, I proceeded to say hello give hugs to my older friend and let her introduce me to all the people she had met from the week before. After shaking hands and smiling, I took a set next to Dan. And choose to have non-alcoholic beer. I had been introduced to a lady named Amber that was sitting across from us and her partner Chuck. And was eagerly told that Amber was a master chef. In fact a trainer of master chefs. This immediately caught my attention, as lately I have been quite down on myself for my lack of culinary luster as of late holding myself against my high standards. Even going so far as seeing myself as inferior, rusty, shitty, frustrated with the tedium, and angry about making mistakes at work today. *I have been thinking about going back to school again to finish the cooking course that I dropped out of back when I was 17 for awhile. But have been stuck for money for awhile now. Anyway as I started up a conversation with Amber she soon made clear that she had a lot of experience with teaching all sorts of people how to cook, and cook at a high proficiency And that she was willing to teach me or help me find a job where I could learn. Through all of this I could not help to feel like this was to perfect and I couldn’t mess this up. I was being polite, overly so perhaps. I got her number and promised to call her to come visit her place. After I struck up a conversation with her husband, asking him what he did as a career path. He responded with “politics”. I was quite taken aback as I was not expecting that. I asked him if he was office and found out that he was in the opposition party here in B.C. He asked me if I voted. And I replied telling him that I have not voted in my life. (Which was a lie I suppose I voted for EMS) I noticed that he had a adverse reaction to this, and he proceeded to tell me that it is because of people like me is why something along the lines of “evil liberals” that were bleeding this nation dry were in power. I asked him what amount of people in Canada voted in the last election. And he told me there was a voter turnout of 45 percent. Upon hearing this I asked him that maybe if only 45 percent of people in Canada voted that there might be a underlying message that is not being heard or taken into account for that. He started to tell me it was corporate propaganda that was responsible. At this point I did not want to stir the pot beyond my capabilities to deal with so I responded by telling him that I did not want to get to opinionated but I saw this a global issue and that until the world can come to some consensus of what we are doing and have a sense of Equality among all people then Canada will never really be fixed in any lasting way. He started talking about how rich Canada was, comparing it to Norway in terms of the oil we have. I knew that I had lost him and was not able to pick my words clearly at this point and did not want to get in their bad books so I cut off my line of content from that point on. Falling back to casual conversation. I thought that I would have a chance to talk to him again after getting to know Amber a little better. He got up and played the harmonica with the band, he was really good. It was getting late so Dan and I said or good byes, and we left. But my experience with the night was very interesting as I much as I wanted to hold my ground I did not wanting to mess up an opportunity. Why? Was learning how to cook better a real reason to silence my opinions for another time? Am I doubting my view of the situation clearly or from a bias? Was I self honest in the situation or was I looking to achieve something out of self interest When he told me he was in politics, the first thing that came to mind is that he could be useful in Desteni and EMS. But I knew he would hardly be able to see it without judgment at that point. Is that judgement on my point?
Overall I find out about myself that I still have a tendency to want to play nicely rather then getting dirty sometimes. I am getting better at not shying away from the conflicts in my experience but rather learning to choose where I would like to proceed with more tact then before. Seeing were I could interject something and choosing to hold my tongue This is a point of much self discernment in times to come as I would like to know where it is appropriate to express fully and when it is wiser to just let the other person remain were they stand. And to learn that I cannot change anyone and fighting to do so will bring harm to both sides. People will or will not discover Desteni and EMS for themselves, and my primary point of self realization is to walk as example that people can see. But not for them primarily, I am the focus in that. But to voice the Desteni message wherever I can discern it to be appropriate.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anxious about going out to a place in public wherein I have to interact with people that I have never met before.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the unknown not realizing that I am projecting my mind insecurities into the situation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shy when being introduced to new people, and wondering what they think about me, if they are judging me on my appearance.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become immediately excited when I found out that Amber was a master chef.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change my approach with her to something that could be beneficial for myself, even though she was telling me that she could help me find something I was looking for in the culinary world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become somebody else who may not be the direction that I want to go.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel uncertainty in that circumstance because I have not decided exactly what I want to do as a way of making money in the long run right now. And not fully expressing that to Amber when talking about it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel self doubt towards my ability in culinary arts and belittling myself by allowing myself to judge me based on others judgments comments, and observations. Not trusting myself, and allowing this to manifest into my reality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lash out towards others when they make comments about my cooking style, skill, and speed. Even if I am joking or rather convincing myself that I am joking.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I am bored with the tedious parts of working that are repetitive or hard to swallow when confronted with others acts of laziness in the kitchen, like cleaning a dirty meat slicer over and over.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry for allowing me to make mistakes when allowing myself to fall into pits of not caring and giving up in moments.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to fuel my feelings of inadequacy but thinking that I need to go back to school to become something better then what I am in the moment. Not realizing that in thinking such things I am creating barriers for my experience.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not accept me as I as my breathe in the moment, instead projecting someone in the future that is a better more knowledgeable cook.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if money is a barrier to me actually wanting to learn something or apply myself to something when really it just takes a commitment of self.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if the situation was somehow just for me, and my experience, adding a mystical overlay to the experience.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the situation as a make or break deal, like I had to take this opportunity in someway or I would miss out.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that going on TV or become some kinds of iconic food figure would make me more influential with the Desteni message. Essentially jumping ahead and converting the message into something that supports self interest functions in my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doctor my behavior and not necessarily be who I as one as equal in the moment. Gauging other peoples energy and reacting in a semi sociopathic way.
I forgive myself accepting and allowing myself to doubt my own sincerity with how I talk and interact with other people. Thinking that because I am still in systems that everything that I do/say is wrong or bad somehow, constantly sabotaging myself from the standpoint of a negative self image.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a predisposed position in my mind about politicians and politics in general. Wherein I see politicians and generally being corrupt or not understanding the whole picture of what humanity is facing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel some shock or react negatively upon learning that he was in one of the major two political parties in Canada.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assume that he was reacting to something that I had said when I told him that I did not vote.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not wanting to “stir the pot” as I may have come to this conclusion in such a way to preserve the opportunity with his wife. Essentially choosing to run from the topic.
I for give myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be courageous and forthcoming with how I viewed politics. Neither lying about how I see things nor expressing myself to the fullest.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself think that I have a limit on my capabilities thus effectively creating that limit.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself in terms of not trusting my choices and discernment in the situation. Thinking that I had lost him in someway like I need to convince him so I/we can make something happen.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall away from the topic back into casual conversations on the premise of not wanting to be black listed by this particular couple, effectively changing my mode of conduct to stay out of their “bad books”.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stay on topic based on a assumption that I would see him again some other time.