8. My attraction demon.

My very own, “I’m so attracted to you so I won’t talk to you demon.”

Recently I have been talking a closer look at myself in concerns with my relationship to girls. Dating, love, desire, appreciation, cowardice, courage, humility, vanity, and so on. Perhaps from a point of self honesty I have not really be looking closer, but being kind treading water whilst the current of my inner ocean brings me closer to this island of my false personality. I know that I am in a place were my prime focus should be myself at this point. So I would like to just address and acknowledge this point as it has been only gaining more hold in my mind over the past few days, my mind keeps interfering with this process always seemingly to place a utmost importance in girls or getting with girls or having a girlfriend or wanting approval from girls…. What is really this point? Could it be that up to this point I have always been quite cowardly when it concerns approaching girls in the public domain. Not opening up on fear of rejection. Not opening up based on shame of past behavior  Not opening up based on being hurt in the past. Making excuses that its not the right situation, not the right girl, there is no connection, there is to much of a connection, she is out of my class, I’m out of HER class allll sorts of garbage from over the years to flake out and not take action in my life. Taking the easiest path always. And others paying the price for it, and in the end the easiest way has actually become the hardest and requiring more dedication to correct. Taking it a step deeper, what am I really searching for? Why do I want to be in…. anything with someone at all. What is this desire I am noticing? Is it the sex, did I drill some voracious appetite into myself via smoking joints and watching porn??? Maybe. Or more likely its something to do with a self interested  self created, sense of incompleteness. Where does this stem from. Even when in a relationship with girls I would still watch porn, I still can see the desire or attractive nature that I have towards girls of all types. All these different definitions of qualities that make all types, looks, and characters of girls uniquely attractive to me that I just cannot make up my !!!”MIND”!!!. In essence not wanting to be with only one girl but wanting the attention and praise of ALL girls essentially. What an ego. But obviously this is not possible and the ego takes blows from that realization. But yet it will try its damnedest to make sure I have at least the friendship of all the girls I meet. In this respect this is insane because as much as I see that there is a part of me that thinks that way in wanting/desiring female affection/attention they other side is a complete dunce who could not start a conversation with a girl on the bus randomly. I’m noticing that they work as a team to fuck me over from actually having some self integrity. How the one side says wow she is a soo cute you would like to get with her go talk to her take a chance, then the other side says but your going to make a total fool of yourself so just shut the fuck up and read your book asshole… Some heated debates going on in there sometimes. But the point is always in some form of self interest  getting some/thing or saving face. Again back to the point of incompleteness. Why do I see qualities that are attractive to me everywhere? Are these qualities in myself that I am revering or lacking? I do tend to place a image over people for there qualities at times, thinking that they must be like this because they look, act, talk, write, smile, move, eat, chew, smell……. like this. Not realizing at the time that I am making all that shit up. All sorts of judgement that pop up in spite of what I already know about equality and oneness. Not malicious but definitely unacceptable. I suppose that recently many of those judgments and thought have slowed and stopped in intensity and frequency but I still notice the tendencies of that nature within myself. I am still accepting and allowing past demons to have access to my present. I have tried to suppress it but never address it in a self honest way with a real intention to change, and suppressing it has never worked in effectively changing the thoughts or emotions that came/come through. In fact usually falling back and spiraling deeper in. So I would like this to be the beginning of a series of posts addressing this system within me and the start of a real commitment to release it. Self forgiveness on this post to follow.

So second day writing about this particular line of self investigation. I am a little nervous about exposing myself in this area as I defiantly means opening up in a way that shows some of my inner secrets about others about myself and how I actually seem to look at people around me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel nervousness about writing about this part of myself.

I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will not be able to change this behavior  sabotaging myself from the start.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I need to be with someone romantically to be happy with myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I need to give myself to someone for them to accept me fully or in other words that I must always be putting on a giving character based out of fearing or having poker chips to hold over my partner for later on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make stories and fantasies in my mind about various girls and why I find them attractive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fantasize about having sex with various girls, and not realizing that that I am in fact fucking my own mind, and essentially raping these girls energetically.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall so repeatedly into porn some many times.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to form a comparison between the girls that I would see in porn to the girls that I meet in my experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if girls are something that I must accomplish or archive greatness with, not realizing that in this very act I am hindering my sincerity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if no girl is right for me, or that I am totally different in some way that makes me not worthy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stop myself in moments of contemplation and breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stop myself in moments of self doubt and breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not speak self forgiveness in the moment of separation, not realizing that I am building up many points of individual separation that will have to be dealt with later.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place the importance of my experience outside of myself, focusing my attention on getting the attention of girls.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be with girls based on reasons of incomplete self view.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I need approval from girls to feel confident in my self image and emotional state.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act by reaction to the responses and cues that are often put out there by girls, in fact only playing a game of energy exchange.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not allow myself to be open to all girls equally, sharing myself and my view uninhibited to all, in fact hiding behind a wall of shame based in the past behaviors.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continuously self sabotage by drifting off the point being here now in the breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become distracted from the application that is at hand.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being cowardly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see any kind of division between me and other people especially girls. Not realizing that having a class type judgement division system is pure separation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge girls based on their appearance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always take the easiest route with girls and instead of applying myself to myself first figuring out what I would like to give and receive in agreement with another person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see where my actions have brought pain and separation to others within my experiences  and in fact only lengthening my own process in time and complexity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I have created a insurmountable task ahead of myself by not listening to what the message of Desteni is really saying.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have this self interested desire toward all women, not realizing that I am in fact looking to fill in a gap withing myself by ways of seeking female attention and praise.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if rather then seeing each girl as equals and one, I have inadvertently broke them apart accordingly to there qualities of looks, personalities, and relationships.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view myself as a dunce, when clearly what is really happening is that I am approaching the situations from the mind and making up a scenario in my mind as to what could I do to invoke a particular outcome when talking to girls and in such self sabotaging any form of equal connection with females.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to succumb to both sides of my ego personality on this matter and not standing with integrity in oneness and equality when speaking to girls.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act only in self interest of getting something from females whether it be sexual or emotional gratification.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to mind fuck myself into not taking any action and in fact not even acknowledging girls or others as equal and one with me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that because the frequency of my judgement, sexual thoughts, and game playing intentions have become less that I am somehow accounted or accounting for these things.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let past habitual demons have unregulated access to my present day self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that suppressing these things within myself will effectively solve the issues, when clearly my own track record shows that this is not working.

I will continue with a new part to this subject shortly.

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