11. Responding and reacting in separation. Sf.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear feeling as if people in my experience will judge, fear, and become angry with me for my self expression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow this fearto dictate my actions, effectively closing up myself and not sharing in a way honest to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I need in some way to feel the ups and downs of mental and emotional states within my experience to be a human being.

I realize that trapping myslef with a positive negative polarity has nothing to do with being human and actually is keeping me from seeing and experiencing an actual human experience as oneness and equality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to the polarity energetic experiences of fear and joy. Allowing myself to base my decisions upon those pricipals and not within the context of what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if it only natural and human to be in a state of torment.

I realize that this is a personal attachment to my past experiences and it needs to be explored and forgiven.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if there is somehow a point of responsibility outside of my own in which others are apparently not owning up. Wherien it is about me and my acceptance and allowance.

I realized that I am distracted and diverted. And Iam/have inflicted my self to abuses and that this is the real point of self responsibility and integrity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being viewed by people as a freak just for the basis of expressing myself in self honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take my words serious and with confidence enough to have trust in them. Feeling as if I do not understand and that my words are not effective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a form of self sabotage and procrastination based around the feeling that my words are not effective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create internal conflict with myself for and as a form of avoidance of conflict in which I am actually attempting to run from myself and my responsibilities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to once again create a unreasonable and unrealistic sense of expectation and reliance upon other people within my experience for support.

I realize that I am not understanding that this is a process for everyone to realize on there own as an expression of themselves, and that all I can do is become a living expression of equality and oneness in my words and deeds, any form of force is actually a form of separation of self as it infers desperation as a manifestation of fear.

I realize that I must have the strenth of character to do this on my own. That I cannot rely or push the responsibilit onto any other being. As it is blatent separation.

When and as I see myself looking to pass blame of the responsibility of my own self directive process of stability based in a fear mentality. I stop and breathe.

I realize that I am reacting in system of feeling inadaquate to handle the situation at hand and that I am actually not living in the actuallity of the words that I have been speaking to myself.

I commit myself to always look behind why I am not participating in any given discussion or exploration of lines of communication between beings, and to see whether my non participation is actually what is in the best intrest for all in the discussion and all the planet.

I commit myself to actually walk pass the fear in those moments and participate where I see the requirement to participate not fearing judgment from others or self judgement and doubt.

10. Responding and reacting in separation.

I have noticed exactly what is being said within the context of lesson 5 of diplite in where by applying myself to my process this will begin to manifest within the relationships of my experience. Within this context I recognized that people will recoil and respond in fright, anger, disbelief, and aggression towards me if I am expressing myself in self honesty. I also recognize that there is a intrinsic connection between these two points. Of having people feel threatened by me even as I walk forward within my expression of self honesty. I cannot feel afraid of what people will think of me in expressing the truth. I cannot feel afraid of judgments or feel doubt. As this would indicate that I am still in dishonesty of myself. In saying such there is a recognition of my own reactions within this system that I making itself very apparent within recent experiences.

I have begun a journey here and it would be foolish to not follow through with it. I hear what is being said and understand what is at stake. The only thing that seems to hold me back at times is this underlying longing to be human. To feel and suffer as the human condition. Not realizing that so far there has not really been much “humanity” in anything that has come forth. Exceptions excluded. I can see where within my own experiences that one can become firmly addicted to the polarity of loss and joy. Where it is “only human” to be in torment. And to seek the easiest passage out of torment into joy. By distraction or diversion, or all out infliction of self abuse we all are looking for the way out of the pain but will not give in to the mundane of “reality” for fear of looking as the freak. So we play along and raise each other up for every little thing and pat ourselves on the back for nothing substantial, I see this within myself all the time. I am embarrassed to speak up. I am excusing myself for fear of what I may not say right. Not realizing that I have not really said much that has been “right” so far so why fear it anyway. I see that my tendencies has always been to avoid conflict and in doing such have cause myself massive internal conflict, doubt and separation within myself and my expression towards others. Whatever I have been running from outside is always always always keeping pace within me. I should learn to stop this running, stop creating and supporting creations that are not best for all. Focus and learn to express what I now know and understand to be ideals and virtues of a mental state that places equality of life at the root of all actions and decisions. I need to learn to trust myself and where I am at within this process that I have begun to walk. Stop looking and expecting this support from others who have not yet been introduced to the message. Those are those that might be waiting on me to figure my shit out. I have seen this as well. People who within my experience who have opened greatly from the words I have said, and the time that I have given to say them. This is not the common case and I have to come to terms with the fact that not all within my experience will choose to walk this path right away or at all, and cannot let this demoralize me as this would equate to in fact shifting the responsibility of self directive action away from myself. Essentially just blame and judgement. So yes I see this point and will need to further explore it in the day to come. Thanks that’s all for today. Forgiveness to come.

9. De-bate of who is master. Part one.

 

I am currently looking into a point withing my experience that has to do with addressing my masturbation demon and and my view of myself sexually.

 

Recently I have chosen to stop myself from masturbating in the way I have conventionally been doing it on the advice and insights into these systems and what they represent in the greater scheme of things within global society. These insights come from of the material from the series about masturbation on eqafe and some other video interview from Desteni.  I have done writing on this subject before but have not approached it from a starting point of self honesty, or self commitment perhaps. In the past I have always fallen back. I not saying that this time may be any different, all that I understand in this moment is that I would like to see myself change. I stopped watching porn around two months ago which was a huge step in terms of how I was accepting and allowing myself to behave. Through the whole time I carried a guilt and shame about knowing and understanding about the message of equality and oneness but somehow just continuing to fall into pornography. Not caring really. Making many justifications for why it was ok. It was X art. It was Hentai. It was Amateur. It was not violent. I will admit to avoiding points about sexuality from Desteni on purpose, to justify not knowing the whole picture and be able to continue based on ignorance. I realize now that the intentional ignorance is really only stubbornness and a steadfastness of separation within me. While I have stopped watching porn I recognize that there is still some of the same patterns within my experience as I still react with lust, excitement  addiction patterns of thoughts when confronted with images of women in provocative poses or clothes, or lack of. I see this happening and I stop myself but it still comes to the forefront most times when confronted with a sexually charged image or scenario. I want to change this and start fresh. I know that I cannot erase the past and what I have done or seen but there is an opportunity presently to change my way of behavior from here on out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to have mind images related to having sex.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the effects that this has on the world in terms of what is being supported and allowed through my choice to continue using porn to masturbate to.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold myself in a constant cycle of guilt and shame for my behavior thus not ever seeing or wanting to start climbing out of the ever deepening hole. Essentially a self perpetuating cycle.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use this guilt and shame as a excuse to not change.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not care about the effects of pornography has on the global society, not really wanting to learn but just remain in separation.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use other problems and habits as a justification for allowing myself to continuously fall back into this one. Not realizing or wanting to admit rather that I was continuously preventing myself from getting past the initial stages of change.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify falling in pornography by way of the type of pornography it was. Soft core, animation, strip dancing, “artsy”, not recognizing that it really does not matter, it is all still image based.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feeling excitement  lust, and attraction towards pixels really.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have to always second guess and check myself when confronted with material of a sexually charged nature.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to go further into a piece of material that is sexually charged I stop and breath.

 

I realize that I am attempting to fill a sense of incompleteness withing myself with a form of false promissory images.

 

I realize that these images are not real and the real people behind them are most realistically not as pleased as the images portray or the title insists.

 

I realize that by participating in these systems and images I am supporting these systems within the world.

 

I realize that I am just being stubborn in remaining in separation within the context of wanting to watch or remain interested in pictures and video of girls.

 

I realize that I am in fact causing a rift within my own experience and relationships with girls and people for that matter

 

I commit myself to stop watching pornography.

 

I commit myself to continue to write and investigate pertaining to this subject until I have identified the root of the reasoning behind why I have found the point of watching porn and seeing girls naked to be of great difficulty to let go of.

 

I commit myself to stop using excuse and justifications as to why it might be ok to fall back based around guilt and shame.

 

I commit myself to become more open with my experience with porn thus prove to myself that I am not ashamed of myself anymore but in fact have chosen to walk with integrity.

 

I commit myself not second guess myself when shown material of a sexually nature and to look past old patterns of behavior and see it for what it really is which is pixels.

 

I commit myself to say self forgiveness within the moment of recognizing that I am falling into separation of self as imagining fantasizing about porn images or with girls in general.