I have noticed exactly what is being said within the context of lesson 5 of diplite in where by applying myself to my process this will begin to manifest within the relationships of my experience. Within this context I recognized that people will recoil and respond in fright, anger, disbelief, and aggression towards me if I am expressing myself in self honesty. I also recognize that there is a intrinsic connection between these two points. Of having people feel threatened by me even as I walk forward within my expression of self honesty. I cannot feel afraid of what people will think of me in expressing the truth. I cannot feel afraid of judgments or feel doubt. As this would indicate that I am still in dishonesty of myself. In saying such there is a recognition of my own reactions within this system that I making itself very apparent within recent experiences.
I have begun a journey here and it would be foolish to not follow through with it. I hear what is being said and understand what is at stake. The only thing that seems to hold me back at times is this underlying longing to be human. To feel and suffer as the human condition. Not realizing that so far there has not really been much “humanity” in anything that has come forth. Exceptions excluded. I can see where within my own experiences that one can become firmly addicted to the polarity of loss and joy. Where it is “only human” to be in torment. And to seek the easiest passage out of torment into joy. By distraction or diversion, or all out infliction of self abuse we all are looking for the way out of the pain but will not give in to the mundane of “reality” for fear of looking as the freak. So we play along and raise each other up for every little thing and pat ourselves on the back for nothing substantial, I see this within myself all the time. I am embarrassed to speak up. I am excusing myself for fear of what I may not say right. Not realizing that I have not really said much that has been “right” so far so why fear it anyway. I see that my tendencies has always been to avoid conflict and in doing such have cause myself massive internal conflict, doubt and separation within myself and my expression towards others. Whatever I have been running from outside is always always always keeping pace within me. I should learn to stop this running, stop creating and supporting creations that are not best for all. Focus and learn to express what I now know and understand to be ideals and virtues of a mental state that places equality of life at the root of all actions and decisions. I need to learn to trust myself and where I am at within this process that I have begun to walk. Stop looking and expecting this support from others who have not yet been introduced to the message. Those are those that might be waiting on me to figure my shit out. I have seen this as well. People who within my experience who have opened greatly from the words I have said, and the time that I have given to say them. This is not the common case and I have to come to terms with the fact that not all within my experience will choose to walk this path right away or at all, and cannot let this demoralize me as this would equate to in fact shifting the responsibility of self directive action away from myself. Essentially just blame and judgement. So yes I see this point and will need to further explore it in the day to come. Thanks that’s all for today. Forgiveness to come.