9. De-bate of who is master. Part one.

 

I am currently looking into a point withing my experience that has to do with addressing my masturbation demon and and my view of myself sexually.

 

Recently I have chosen to stop myself from masturbating in the way I have conventionally been doing it on the advice and insights into these systems and what they represent in the greater scheme of things within global society. These insights come from of the material from the series about masturbation on eqafe and some other video interview from Desteni.  I have done writing on this subject before but have not approached it from a starting point of self honesty, or self commitment perhaps. In the past I have always fallen back. I not saying that this time may be any different, all that I understand in this moment is that I would like to see myself change. I stopped watching porn around two months ago which was a huge step in terms of how I was accepting and allowing myself to behave. Through the whole time I carried a guilt and shame about knowing and understanding about the message of equality and oneness but somehow just continuing to fall into pornography. Not caring really. Making many justifications for why it was ok. It was X art. It was Hentai. It was Amateur. It was not violent. I will admit to avoiding points about sexuality from Desteni on purpose, to justify not knowing the whole picture and be able to continue based on ignorance. I realize now that the intentional ignorance is really only stubbornness and a steadfastness of separation within me. While I have stopped watching porn I recognize that there is still some of the same patterns within my experience as I still react with lust, excitement  addiction patterns of thoughts when confronted with images of women in provocative poses or clothes, or lack of. I see this happening and I stop myself but it still comes to the forefront most times when confronted with a sexually charged image or scenario. I want to change this and start fresh. I know that I cannot erase the past and what I have done or seen but there is an opportunity presently to change my way of behavior from here on out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to have mind images related to having sex.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the effects that this has on the world in terms of what is being supported and allowed through my choice to continue using porn to masturbate to.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold myself in a constant cycle of guilt and shame for my behavior thus not ever seeing or wanting to start climbing out of the ever deepening hole. Essentially a self perpetuating cycle.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use this guilt and shame as a excuse to not change.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not care about the effects of pornography has on the global society, not really wanting to learn but just remain in separation.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use other problems and habits as a justification for allowing myself to continuously fall back into this one. Not realizing or wanting to admit rather that I was continuously preventing myself from getting past the initial stages of change.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify falling in pornography by way of the type of pornography it was. Soft core, animation, strip dancing, “artsy”, not recognizing that it really does not matter, it is all still image based.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feeling excitement  lust, and attraction towards pixels really.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have to always second guess and check myself when confronted with material of a sexually charged nature.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to go further into a piece of material that is sexually charged I stop and breath.

 

I realize that I am attempting to fill a sense of incompleteness withing myself with a form of false promissory images.

 

I realize that these images are not real and the real people behind them are most realistically not as pleased as the images portray or the title insists.

 

I realize that by participating in these systems and images I am supporting these systems within the world.

 

I realize that I am just being stubborn in remaining in separation within the context of wanting to watch or remain interested in pictures and video of girls.

 

I realize that I am in fact causing a rift within my own experience and relationships with girls and people for that matter

 

I commit myself to stop watching pornography.

 

I commit myself to continue to write and investigate pertaining to this subject until I have identified the root of the reasoning behind why I have found the point of watching porn and seeing girls naked to be of great difficulty to let go of.

 

I commit myself to stop using excuse and justifications as to why it might be ok to fall back based around guilt and shame.

 

I commit myself to become more open with my experience with porn thus prove to myself that I am not ashamed of myself anymore but in fact have chosen to walk with integrity.

 

I commit myself not second guess myself when shown material of a sexually nature and to look past old patterns of behavior and see it for what it really is which is pixels.

 

I commit myself to say self forgiveness within the moment of recognizing that I am falling into separation of self as imagining fantasizing about porn images or with girls in general.

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