12. Picking up were I cut myself off.

I have this problem of continuously failing or falling back onto a platform of always stopping or losing myself in distractions of the mind. Whatever it may be. Recently it has been relationship desire type mentalities which are at the forefront of my repetitious behavior. using this as a scapegoat of self to justify a lapse or failure of initiative within my self direction. I have been filling this lack in with different manifestations of layers of self deceit. Skating to fill in the lack of fulfillment of intimacy with a partner which is in itself a lack of fulfillment of intimacy within myself for myself. Any progress that I have made just seems to be a way of lying to myself about doing something about this. Getting out of the way so I can attend to the more important goal of getting what I am desiring from others. Understand myself as a means of leverage of knowledge over others as a way to impress or leave and impression upon them. This is not a cool or easy realization to have come to. As it is not easy to peel this layer of self deceit back effectively. It keep rearing its head and sneaking its way in. And in realizing this I have silenced my expression in fear of expressing this deceit system. I have created a self induced blockade of of guilt centered around a self interested desire demon. Demons feeding on demon blood. Scary and horrifying to realize.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall continuously with a system of desire.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let this desire create a justification for distraction behavior within the context of wanting to lose myself in someone/something.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty for falling back onto repetitive time loops about failing at commitments that I have made with myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make commitments with myself that from the beginning I knew that I would/was not intending to keep.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I am without self intimacy, and require it from an external source such as a partner, skating, working, painting, cooking, guitar.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on these things as a true expressive voice of myself as I have a underlying knowing that I am abusing them, or using them in a abusive self interested fashion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lie to myself about why I am doing self forgiveness. Using it as a excuse to continue past habits.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use self forgiveness for getting what I desire from others. Telling myself that what I am doing is real and that what I have accomplish is real when the physical evidence has proven contrary, showing little real integrity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if no progress has been made, wherein as I can see that I am repeating some point over and over, that I am willing to address them until they are addressed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use this process as a way to bring interest to myself via peoples thirst for knowledge. Not realizing that without a firm foundation within my own expression I inadvertently am leading people astray.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to silence my self expression in fear of leading people astray. Not really realizing the point of expression as a form of self, apart from the expression as a form of self interest. One being one of instant expression of self regardless of reaction, and one a calculating expression weighing the scales of self benefit and loss to self view.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear deceiving other beings with the context of not being sure if I am sure about if I am being deceiving or not. Feeling locked up within a memory based fear of deceit and guilt built from past experience.

When and as I see myself faced with a moment of distraction opportunity, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself looking to hinder my expression behind a veil of fear of deceit of self of other I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself wanting to cop out or give in to desirable “shortcuts” I stop and breathe.

I commit myself to observing myself in detail in these moments of transcendence of self integrity. Seeing the real motivations behind my behavior and expressions.

I commit myself to stop the self interested behavior in the moment of conception and to apply forgiveness then and there.

I commit myself to be gentle with my approach in the context of not beating myself down for failures and using those failures as and excuse to feel guilty and give up. Rather to realize that failure is the common theme for myself at this time and that observing those failure objectively is a tool and asset to transcending them.

I commit myself speak from a place of instantaneous expression, regardless of what the reaction of the other being may be. Not fearing their fears or angers. Speaking this within the contexts of equality and not from a place of self interested calculation.

I commit myself to this journey of self intimacy, in which require a great deal of integrity to move through the bullshit that I have created and piled on top of the other bullshit. Not fearing mess that I have made for myself.

I commit myself to this process of self forgiveness as a tool of self perfection and not a tool of self pacification to stroke the demons back into submission. Rather a way to see the systems for what they really are and equalize myself with them once and for all.

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