22. Trapped within image.

Continuing where I left off from last post I would like to jump back into where I left from last concerning my relationship within my experiences with porn. Now I have written about this point before and while I have made commitments on it before there is a recognition within myself that I did not intend to fully keep those commitments from the get go. This is obvious as I have fallen back on those points again and again until a short time ago. From where I stand now I can see that there are several areas in which I have not addressed fully. Which is recognizable through my actions. Seeing and understanding the material, reasons and consequences for using porn have been apparent yet I have continued to use it. Why could this be I ask myself. I seems that my relationship with porn is linked into another area of myself concerning my relationship with women in general and how I view myself within the relationships of sex within society. What I seem to be doing is filling a gap within myself in which I am looking for someone to complete me within the status of a sex partner. It’s somewhat paradoxical as I have a hard time in expressing myself to the girls yet using porn has only intensified this difficulty. I can see now where using porn actually has placed a particular and substantial amount of guilt within my experience expressing to women. I feel out of place and to a degree paralyzed when confronted with the point of directly speaking to women that induced desire or attraction within me. Another point is made apparent in which I do not understand myself as I am feeling these points of desire and attraction. I have been looking at girls in such a way that really only is in a form of self interest. When really I should asking and breaking down this relationship within myself as to why I am desiring sex so strongly and why am I not patient enough to let a situation occur natural and without a input from a system in which I am looking to make something happen. Why I am seeking gratification so strongly that I panic and let myself fall into sabotaging myself by attempting to make a experience occur? For physical pleasure? For emotional gratification? To feel whole or stable within my idea of myself in which I need someone there to make myself ok within who I see myself to be? All of these are reasons it is certain. I feel as if I am missing out on something when I am not in a relationship with a female. Like I am wasting my time being single, to the point in which it takes over my whole experience. Where every female that I find attractive is regarded as a potential mate. And wherein this attraction lies I can see is within mainly a point of physical attraction first. Moving through society has become a point of fear in which a repel from. As much as I am desiring a connection with another being my fear or rejection and inadequacy are a stone wall in actually allowing to take place at all. I feel trapped within a sense of longing yet cowardice to act. In this I see myself fucking myself in such a way in which I continuously allow myself to miss the point of real connection in which my expression as myself comes first and my desire is something that should not be allowed or accepted to have any opinion within my interactions with anyone. I see the point in which I should be expressing myself naturally to all beings, male and female. Of any age or physical appearance. Those points should not matter to the way I express myself as myself. And within my experience lies a point of giving up as I see myself failing and resorting to porn as a point of self punishment in which I am telling myself that I will never change. That this is all I am capable of concerning girls. Missing the point of self honesty and direction within my actions. Not allowing myself to ever walk for any amount of time without falling into despair and giving up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as someone who is not worthy of a meaningful truly caring connection with anyone based out of my failure to commit to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let myself believe that watching porn is a acceptable form of filling this gap of inadequacy within myself. Not realizing that it is only making the gap larger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to continue to use and view women as something that must be attain to stabilize my own sense of self worth and identity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the point in which using porn is actually creating this reality within myself and sabotaging myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place image and images in a place of attraction within my mind.

I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to give value to physical attraction in such a way that it influences my relationships with beings and who I choose to interact with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place certain beings in my experience on a platform of special-ness within my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let past experiences with beings to dictate my current experience those beings in which I long for and desire another experience with them, mainly sexual or flirtatious in nature.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take the time and have patience with myself to actually have a unadulterated relationship with another being based without a starting point of attraction or desire.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use porn as a form of feeling sorry for myself in which I am unable to just let these feelings of inadequacy past through me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continuously waste my time and moments within a point that I have been walking with for a unacceptable amount of time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the excuse that porn is prevalent within that male realm as a acceptable reason for me to continue using it myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let myself instantly resort my view of women into a place of viewing anyone I find attractive as a potential girlfriend and partner. Not realizing that in taking this action I am really only building a higher wall to climb.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not hold every being as equal to myself instead of reducing them to being attractive or not, and allowing this to dictate my interaction with them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view beings from a starting point of compatibility first and failing to express myself from a point of equality with the being unconditionally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place such regard within the platform of attraction and not realize that attraction is something that is holistic in reality and not something that can be deciphered from images or the physical human body only.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to place less importance on the content of a experience with another being and allowing my expression to alter based out of what level of attraction I place the other being in.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view myself as less, inferior or incapable of expressing myself to a being based out of a point of physical appearance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to throw out all that I have understood about myself when confronted with a point of relationships with other beings and continuously choose to fall back into old past patterns in which I have been shown again and again are psychotic and will only keep arriving at the same place.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not hold myself responsible for my thoughts and actions within this context.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resort to anger at myself for failing withing this systems of image importance and self definition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel false pride within my own self image to bring about a point of class judgement in which only some beings are attractive enough or worthy to be with me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use this as a filtering mechanism in which I allowing this to pass judgement on who I choose to bring into my experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create pre dialogue in which to use in a attempt to gain a certain response or experience and not trusting myself to express and act in such a way in which I am being genuine and spontaneous. Not fearing the result.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how using porn is a form of self allowance to continue in all of these points of separation. Actually enabling them and is really a point of myself just giving in and unwilling to trust myself.

When and as I see myself want to just let it all slide in the context of not committing to my own self expression and trusting myself in this moment every moment I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself wanting to resort to using porn as a form of self pity I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself allowing myself to view other beings from a platform of judgement based out of images or attraction, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself preconceiving material to express in a way as to induce a specific action or experience I stop and breathe.

When and as I see wanting to judge myself from a point of self doubt in which I believe that I will never change and not be able to follow through with self direction and commitment I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself viewing myself as less of a being by way of not being in a relationship I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself desiring another being as a point of compatibility I stop and breathe

When and as I see myself desiring sex to the point of letting it control my self expression I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself projecting a scenario of what may happen or the possibility for relationship opportunity I stop and breathe.

I commit myself to stop using porn as a point of allowance in result of self failure or projected self failure.

I commit myself to hold self trust in myself and my expression in spite of current self doubt and uncertainty.

I commit myself to see when I am continuing to project my sense of uncertainty with a point of not trusting in the moment to express in moment.

I commit myself to stop viewing other beings from a platform self interest in which I place there attraction as a viable point in which they determine my attention or awareness.

I commit myself to see the importance and point of every being as being my equal and myself.

I commit myself to view other beings as being equal in value and to stop viewing them as a hierarchical system in which places being according to physical image.

I commit myself to push through the tendency to reduce my interactions to a placement of worth according to if I am attracted to them.

I commit myself to express myself in a way that is from a starting point of equality with the being rather then as a point of acquiring something from them.

I commit myself to understand my tendencies to search for a mate and disregard any other relationship with beings.

I commit myself to see equal importance in my relationships with males to the one with females, and to understand that expressing myself to both is of equal importance.

I commit myself to observe my continuing expression toward beings within my experience and to self honestly see where I am changing my expression and to direct it accordingly to my self commitments.

I commit myself to see where I am looking to express myself from a starting point of emotional lack or looking for a emotional stimulus.

I commit myself to continue to let this system open up as to be able to see where I still need direction.

I commit myself to have patience within this system and not fall back into this system out of a placement point of despair.

I commit myself to not give up on this point until it has been effectively explored and corrected.

21. Down beat-off of depression.

I would like to open up on a topic regarding myself and my relationship between depression music although not so only specifically about music, but more about action and reaction within myself. What I have noticed is that I have a tendency to unfailingly rely on music to somewhat set the tone for my mood. Or really choose music in which I would like to experience based on a particular mood that I am allowing. For the past while I have somewhat been unwilling to live in silence with myself, always playing some form of music to fill the static. How I relate to this is something that I have not or have been unwilling and avoiding to investigate. The music that I choose to listen to generally has been of somewhat a melancholy tone. Wherein it usually with depict a message or sound of something sad or down. Although much of the time it will be of a angry nature or aggressive nature flipping between two poles. I am seeing that within myself this is a reflective of myself throughout the day. I can see that it is a point of attachment to certain emotions and it bleeds into a experience during my workday and off time. Guilt and longing make up a point where much of this music is desired. For instance up until a short time ago I was falling in porn again and feeling strong guilt attached to it based out of a place of negligence with self. There is a song by “Fever Ray” called “If I had a heart” and within the song there is verse in which he sings the lyrics “this will never change because I want more” I would tend to play this song in response to a failure in directive action toward watching porn. Obviously this is a point of self sabotage and creating a platform for self doubt. Now I do not want to suggest that music is something of an reasoning or excuse for myself or actions but rather an indication to myself in which I am actually showing myself where I doubt myself and reflect points in which I know what I’m doing and do not care. Since I have been making a stand with myself toward porn and the effects of watching it again I have noticed that I have not been playing songs in which the general nature has been rooted within the context of separation or desire. An interesting observation point. I will move into more depth within the pornography point again in later posts but I just would like to start off with this observation point of music within my daily experience. Falling asleep without music has been something none existent for a couple months now and I have noticed that it bleeds over into the day in which while working there usually is a particular line or song replaying in my mind, popping up whenever to fill the void. Whenever there is stillness it will come up even after saying forgiveness previously.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to form strong attachments of music and emotional ties to certain music.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I need music to allowing me to fall asleep at night unwilling to trust myself to be able to sleep in silence or unintentional noise.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that music is what is controlling my emotions when it really is something that is reflective of emotions and feelings that I am allowing myself to experience. Using the music as an excuse.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad and entrench and solidify that emotion within the music that I am playing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel depression in a response to failure regarding self direction toward porn, and using this depression and music associated with the emotion to justify and continue these actions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not investigate in depth why I have continued falling on the porn point, instead ignoring it and using music as a scapegoat.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue with these feelings of doubt, guilt, uneasiness, anger, disbelief with myself at the failings despite knowing to a certain extent the consequences of watching porn. Falling into a point of self negligence similar to a state of drunk driving. Know it is not acceptable, safe, or best for all yet choosing to do it anyway.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take heed in a message in which I attach belief in a point in which I will not change and that I am greedy and selfish being the bottom line. Not stopping and directing myself from a standpoint of self directive action.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to change and letting physical pleasure run away with my capability to make a stand and dictate my action.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire sex to a point in which I fall into a point of non patience and give in to a place of “the next best thing” without even investigating into what this actually is, believing and allowing it to be porn.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be stable within a environment in which I do not have music to fill in the blanks. Not trusting or staying within the breathe and instead letting music carry my mind along for the ride throughout the day and night.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry and choose music that reflects this emotion dictating and enhancing this emotion through a point of vindictive scapegoating toward the system and it’s hierarchical platforms.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if music can in some way make up for some lacking point of self expression with my self. Not realizing that it is not a point of expression coming from me, only letting it run through me and actually influence my own expression instead.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a platform from which I allowing myself to wallow in despair and doubt about my capability to stand in integrity, not seeing the link in which I am in fact just giving myself excuses to continue in separation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let time be a factor in which I let myself ease away from my motivation and integrity to stand. Wherein the more time that passes without directing myself in writing and self honesty the less culpable I feel towards my actions.

When and as I see myself looking to looking to let music be a scapegoat for my emotions and feelings I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself wanting to place myself in a position of depression based out of lyrics or tones of music I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself wanting to allow anger to boil within myself based out of music I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself wanting to justify actions with certain music let music be the trigger within myself to perform certain actions I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself in a place of requirement to play or been in music I stop and breathe.

When and as I see music playing within my mind as a point of filling in the void I stop and breathe.

I commit myself to investigate my attachments towards my emotional states and music.

I commit myself to see where I am using music as a point of self sabotage and a excuse for my actions.

I commit myself to stop using music in such a way that it forms a relationship of reliance on who I see myself to be in relation to my self expression.

I commit myself to stop using music as a point placement of guilt mending.

I commit myself to understand the role point of musical expression within the current systems and where it is supporting life and where it stands in separation.

I commit myself to deal with points of filler music in my mind as they come up and to not accept them to continue.

I commit myself to sleep without music playing as a requirement to me falling asleep.

I commit myself to remain culpable for my actions within my points of separation no matter the amount of time passing.

I commit myself to further investigate my relationship with porn and how it has remained a point of separation and self negligence within my experience.

20. Wading backwards through the shit.

Yesterday I had the opportunity to attend a gathering of Destonians. many new paths of consideration was opened up and many points were solidified for my current understanding and realization. The importance of finding and committing to my own sense of self directive action and self honesty was made very clear. That there are many things within my own process that requires me work through these points of confusion, procrastination, and lack of motivation for myself. And while there was particular Destonians there that were admirable within their expressions, it was clear to me that I cannot hold them in some particular light of idol-ism. There is support there if it is needed or asked for but reliance is a point from my own past process that I must watch out for. This is a point of which I have realized pertains to my relationship with Bernard. While he was here I have always had a sense that someone has been taking care of things so I do not have to. That no matter what I did he would be there to take care of it. So I did not need to stand for myself. Well of course this has changed, and while I realize that there is all of what he had said and done still here and accessible. My shit is my own for me to clean up. While this makes for a deeply entrenched point of resistance to change, there will be and never has been any being capable of addressing my own mind and its meanderings except me. To accept nothing less then all of it is something that is a very audacious and heinous looking task yet to not flip or fall into depression or hopelessness is practical, necessary, and realistic. To not rely on hope either but to find integrity and motivation within myself to become a consistent being. One who is capable and becomes culpable for my word and deed. This gathering has also let me see that within this process there is room and need for support within my own process with myself, to keep a air of easiness and malleability with myself, in which it is important to not take the process overly seriously. To laugh and be laughed at by myself and others. That it is important to engage all aspects of my relations with myself and other beings. Where I am hesitant, hiding, and scared to be involved with others in fear of judgement, in where I am scared to be involved in a agreement with another being, or not. What are my starting points within all of my actions, activities, and words. What is knowledge and information, and where I am misunderstanding the usage of this. Understanding that my past is what has opened up this plethora of shit into my expression and experience and that this is all based out of past knowledge and information. To consider and hear others points of view but to always check the starting point of my points of expression and what am I actually intending behind the words that I am choosing to express. I also realized the importance of keeping the timing within the group and the system in line with my own. To keep up with everything and form a stable platform for myself to stand solid.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to revere other Destonians for were they are within their process. Formally seeing them as a act of magic in which they did not have to walk this process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge them by this reverence in which I did not know them or saw their process as being something not akin to my own.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be nervous while attending this gathering in which I was predicting that I would be judged in some fashion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that the responsibility of self direction is on me, and that the others will not do it for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire knowledge and information from within the conversation and not realizing that this information was/would be intended as a exemplary form of expression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be greater then myself and others based around where I stand presently from within my process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project a particular position for myself within the context of the Desteni group.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view this as a point of separation and not a natural point of directive action, specifically in which I am imagining a destination or place for myself within the group and not taking action to get me there or anywhere really.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see others from within the gathering as being less then or not as part of or into Desteni as others. Not seeing that as a separation point of not valuing them as a equal and one being. Putting conditions on my respect or validation of the being rather then simply understanding that they are in another place in their process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold doubt in other certain members from with the gathering. Seeing their information as being less important as others or in some respect incomplete. Taking the road of blame and finger pointing rather then the opportunity to understand my own view more precisely.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold reaction toward certain subjects that came up regarding other groups. In which I would feel as if I knew better or vindictive in that I was correct and they were misinformed or walking the wrong path.

I forgive myself for fearing the encounter with certain Destonians in the context in which I was afraid that they would be able to see right through me, not realizing that the point is in reverse and that which I should be expressing myself openly no matter what, yet from a platform of what is best for all and not sheer obligatory verbalization.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my progress or others progress in which we are in some way holding each other back and not seeing that the only way we would hold each other back is through lack of self direction and expression. Not saying what is required to say with the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel regret toward the parting of the gathering in which I held on to the other beings in a small way not wanting to stand on my own alone once again and missing the support that was provided.

When and as I see myself looking to judge others and base my views, words and actions from a starting point of separation, knowledge and information, in a attempt to judge a situation, being, or event. I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself wanting to concede a question, line of expression, or response in such a way that is not best for all I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself viewing myself from above or below another being in relevance to my particular position from within my process and the Desteni group itself, I stop and breathe.

I commit myself to stop fearing others within the group and judging them for the possibility of judging me.

I commit myself to express myself in such a way that allows for me to make mistakes and see where I am operating from from and place of self interest, and knowledge and information.

I commit myself to see others around me as equal and one with myself no matter what point they are coming from from within their processes.

I commit myself to not fear an agreement with another being based out of incompatibility, and realize that the point is within bringing out points in myself to be able to see things that I would not be able to see on my own.

I commit myself to not want a agreement based only in and from a place of desire for sex or attraction.

I commit myself stop revering others withing the group in such a way that allows me to hide behind their progress and see where I am allowing myself to procrastinate based on desire/jealousy.

I commit myself to stop talking out of a place in which I feel as if I have answers, but from a place of understanding my starting point from within the expression.

I commit myself to see the points in which I am expressing myself verbally or non verbally in which I am seeking a point of self interested response or gratification from another being.

I commit myself to let go of the moment and beings when the time has come to leave a event and not fear standing alone once again.

I commit myself to understanding that there is no one moment that is greater or less then another in value, and realize that this moment is happening now. Anything other reaction is a judgment of this moment based from a point of past or future knowledge and information starting point.

I commit myself to continue walking the points that I have gained insight into yesterday. Walking backward through what I have accepted and allowed until there is nothing.

19. Continue opening up.

What I would like to write about now is my patience with things. I mentioned last time that I have somewhat switched from a experience of focus on world issues to one of self issues. Where I can see there is a split is in the aspect of gratification. I am realizing that gratification is a point within myself that I have been allowing myself to direct my experience. In the context in which watching documentaries has provided me with a form of gratification in which I have felt as if I am doing something. As if I have somehow done something to improve the energy or experience of the world by way of me learning something about something. Wherein I realize that knowing about these problems within the world is a aspect of understanding but simply watching documentaries for the reasoning of adding information and knowledge to my brain/ego for the purpose of regurgitation is missing the point. Alternatively I notice that when faced with the task or prospect of facing myself I am forced to recognize that I am allowing myself all sorts of points of separation. Not accounting for these and letting them continue. This, I’ve noticed is not providing me with gratification or a POSITIVE experience and thus is providing me with excuses with myself to not act. Rather to feel guilty, unworthy and unmotivated. I need to live the realization that this is my mind creating friction, creating idea’s and propositions to not change and act on what I KNOW.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I have reach a point that I have stopped changing or regressed by not watching documentaries.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate watching documentaries with a point of self growth. Not realizing that the information contained within documentaries needs to be acted on to become real growth of self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel gratified for watching documentaries with a predisposition to gain knowledge from them as to be able to seem more intelligent or more caring. Wherein the real intelligence or care comes from action.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allowing self gratification to direct my experiences and dictate my choices.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing my own self documentary and look inwards at where I am the source of separation. Not realizing that focusing outwards is a form of avoidance and blame redirection.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be self directive on the principle that looking at myself does not provide me with a gratifying or positive experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty for not looking at myself despite the negative aspects which have not been addressed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel unworthy based out of shame for past events, and action/lack of action.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become unmotivated by the past. Not realizing that this is my own mind playing itself against I.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my mind run free creating all sorts of friction centered around pointing the focus all ways except toward myself. Even when focus on myself creating a negative self image or experience to create a point of disdain and procrastination within my experience.

When and as I see myself looking to push back from a point of self introspect and dedication to action within self directive change based purely out of a fear of negative experience or guilt, I stop and breathe.

I commit myself to stop associating learning about myself with a negative experience.

I commit myself to push past these points of determent and to just act in self directive-ness.

I commit myself to admit to these point of self sabotage and highlight them in such a way that allows me to not use them as future excuses.

I commit myself to stop using gratification as a prime point of motivation for me to do anything. Rather to go into points of action with a open point of non expectation.

I commit myself to not fear what I will find out about myself as I realize that it is already known, only ignored.

I commit myself to act on the information that I have learned and accumulated. Making it real by sharing and listening to different point of view. Not hoarding like a ransom.

I commit myself to express the points of knowledge as to share without barrier and to be able to understand and change where necessary points that are in need of change.

18. Opening up.

So I would like to begin a few blogs about opening up to myself. I have noticed that I have this very consistent tendency to continuously fall. To continuously say one thing and do another. Some points in which I have committed to and see clearly as a point in which I cannot waver and some others that I have not been so successful. I noticed that in the past certain parts of my attention and focus where more prominent then they are now and the opposite with others. Today is 5 months of being without smoking pot, or drinking any alcohol. Yet in the past when I would smoke weed, I would watch endless documentaries about world issues. Now I hardly ever watch documentaries and am not getting so riled up about world issues. Well not to say that they are not important, but it seems as if my experience is focused smaller. Like on myself. I write more then I used to, but socialize less. I have noticed this split or plateau within my current situation where I stopped changing, I stopped at the weed and alcohol. Many points that need to be re-addressed and explored deeper. To begin though I would like to state to myself that I need to start again and realize that this change needs to be continuous until there is nothing less and to not stop. I notice that when I stop it hard to get going again. Easy to let it slide and slide until I do not know where to start and the past points are lost in a storm cloud of thoughts and experiences. I need to REALLY commit day after day, whenever possible and be self honest with these points that which I know where I am letting myself fall time and again.

17. Manufacturing outcomes.

A point I would like to explore today is one of looking to create experiences within a certain outcome. Controlling the situations that I am in with other beings and myself. I have noticed that when I enter into a situation with another being I sometimes find myself looking to illicit a certain response within the conversation or interaction. Saying this to get them to say that or making this face/smile/frown/etc to put some kind of emphasis or agreement on a point. What I would like to become aware of within this is if I am expressing myself in a genuine way or if I am just looking to gain some kind of attention in some type of self interested way. I notice this most prominently within my relationships with girls. Wherein I will be very cautious at times with my choice of words. The funny thing is that usually when I censor and show caution with my words there tends to be some extreme resistance within the outcome of the interaction. Like the more I try to make or influence the situation the more it tends to move out of control. I notice that when I am calm, and unconcerned with the outcome of the current experience the easier the situation is to handle and seems to flow more smoothly. This I can see is a fear of outcome, fear of loss in the moment, or a fear of mistakes within myself. By wanting to control myself I am fearing myself and my own expression in I am not trusting myself to say or do things in a manner that is sufficient to the situation. I still notice that when I speak sometimes I am still running things through a filtering system rather then letting it come through unfettered, from my points of understanding. I can see how this can be a indication of where I am doctoring my expression with thoughts or a point of manipulation, by way of if there is a pause within my words or not.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to create a certain outcome for my experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear expressing myself openly and without self judgement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what other beings may view me as if I make a mistake within my words or how I express myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take a hard stance on how I express, thus feeling like I need to censor myself or go along with someone’s view rather then to be forthcoming with my words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust my expression enough to come right out and say what I know. To hide behind excuses like they might not be ready. This is only showing me that in fact I am not ready.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be ready.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place a barrier between myself and females as something that must be overcome, and not as a equal to share with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the outcome to the point in which I feel I need to control it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear of losing something within the moment as something that cannot be regained. Not realizing that in fearing this loss I actually manifest it.

16. Many faces of fear.

I have come across a certain point within my observation of myself that I have been avoiding for some time now. I have noticed that within my experiences sharing on Facebook and my blog that I have chosen pictures of myself that are obscuring my face. It has come to my attention awhile ago that perhaps this is something of a manifestation of how I am choosing to share in general. I obscure myself from others as indirect way of saying that I am not fully expressing/presenting myself. I have been living in a state of fear of presenting myself to the world. Furthermore the pictures are embellished in some way. Some kind of ulterior¬†object or point of focus within the picture. I’m realize that within that context I’m actually saying to myself that I am to fearful to present myself as myself, just and only. That I need to add distraction and deception to the pictures to fill in where I am lacking or not expressing. Under the guise of making the photo interesting and unique. Why am I do I feel this need to be unique within my presentation. Wanting to feel unique is wanting to be different or more then the rest. Separation. Just as my words tend to fixate and focus on the complex aspects first, to make things within myself seem unique and extravagant. Playing up myself in someway that goes beyond what is required but adds desperation and un-sustainability. I should just break down my expression to a simpler form let go of the need to embellish and just find a groove from which I can move forward from daily with little resistance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I need to obscure myself within pictures to hide the fact that I am hiding from myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not fully share myself and present myself if only for my own sense of clarity and commitment of expression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continuously see this point of fearing to present only what is required, and to ignore it hiding behind screens of deception and distraction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to embellish my expression, as to hide the fact that I am covering up something with embellishment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if my situation is unique in such a way that allows for me to not walk my process in a committed way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to conduct my process in a overly complex fashion in which creates friction within my mind. Actually food for demoralization and procrastination.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel desperate within writing my blogs. Not realizing that desperation to change is counter to actual change, wherein it is born out of self commitment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that the simpler the presentation and expression the more directive I am within my commitment with myself, not hiding behind loopholes and smokescreens.

When and as I see myself wanting to hide behind complex ideas, deceptive images, or create ulterior personas of myself through word or picture. I stop and breathe.

I commit myself to present myself in a clear, upfront way. Free from artificial additions within my words or images.

I commit myself to keep my process within a context of what is that which is required. Cutting out the embellishment.

I commit myself to see why this embellishment equals a fear of equality in the sense in which shows that I am wanting to see myself apart and above others. Special.

I commit myself to learn and use a sustainable method of presenting and writing out my process. The simple and effective method that has been shown to me through example.

I commit myself to understand that while I may be a individual within my self expression and experience. My uniqueness is not a point of greater or lesser value to any being in terms of the value of life, which all is equal and one.

I commit myself to find a voice of self commitment within my expression and process in which I am not acting out of desperation.

I commit myself to take things in a 1+1=2 fashion which is sustainable and manageable daily.

15. I of the storm.

It occurs to me that in my last post perhaps I said to much and got little lost within the main point of the writings, yet that is how it came out so I am not in any regrets about it. Now I am going to attempt to stay within a set point of observation. Caring. SO as it stands, there has been some interesting and intriguing experiences that have I have passed through over the course to the last day and a bit. “Do I care?”, has been one of the main points. It is hard to become clear about whether I care or not about all of the lessons that Desteni has brought to the forefront of my experience. I read a couple of blog’s by a Destonian this morning that highlighted a few of the difficulties that I have been having with this idea of caring or not caring rather. The question that I have been carrying was something along the lines of “If I cared about Bernard passing then should I not be feeling something lasting?”. After a initial shock, it quickly set in that the course of action best suited to Bernard is to not mourn for his life. If anything I have learned from him through his words and talks it is that one should realize that death is only fearful if one is living in separation of oneself. If we fear ourselves and our past. Yet if we have courage to stand in life and face our past in life then death is no longer fearful as we have already died as the personality. Yet we will live on as life itself. Amazing and haunting lessons. So again, “do I care?”. Well… the question seems to have some requirements; do I care enough to change myself in such a way that supports life consistently? Daily? In the past I have not. So do I care? Well the past only exists in my mind. Now is the time that is real. There must certainty in my word and deed to make that commitment real, now. Certainty and authenticity, meaning that I cannot feel a sense of requirement in my word and deed it has to stand on its own as a expression of who I am. A understanding of the path that must be walked by myself and all to reach a world that is best for all. But also knowing that I cannot reach equilibrium by panic, sorrow and grasping out for straws, towards the way the current system is in place. To work softly at myself, being forgiving yet authoritative. That is the way to show that I care. To live care is to care. And to live these words is a way to honor the lessons I have learned and Bernard’s life. And though I never met him or even connected with him much, yet when I reached out he answered. I could definitely sense that he was a being who truly lived in care. I suppose what I am moving towards within this writing is that on one level I do not wish to just dismiss his death as something that I say does/did not bother me in the slightest. Yet, would like really know what it means to live in such a way that reflects a true sense of care, not words or tears, but action and certain self directive change. In the past I have let emotions be my guiding principle, but within this I realize that will not suffice. I must move past the swirling tempest of emotion step into the I and see the storm for what it really is. Thanks that’s all for tonight. I will follow up tomorrow.

14. Standing in the vortex.

So on this momentous of everydays I would like to continue where I left off on the last blog. Obviously there has been a major change that has happened. I came home from work to see that B has left… At first and I’m sure that I am not alone in this experience but I took this for a joke of some kind. Disbelief. How could this be. Then a sadness, then a anger…. yet through all of this I noticed one thing within myself that rung true. That this changes nothing. The message is unfettered, in fact the message has intensified within myself. I now understand with some clarity that to truly free oneself there cannot be any sort of reliance on another. Yes there is support available, yet the commitment is and of oneself. Now, from a standpoint of these past feelings of existing outside of the group, a loner who will never be understood. I can see where I did not allow myself the support. I did not deem myself worthy of the opportunity of talking with Bernard. Something in which I would previously consider a great loss. Something of which I can still sense within myself. Yet from everything that I have learned I know that this is not real. What is real is the message and living reality of Equal and One. A gift has been given to me and I did and have not even fully realized it. The idea has been with me, even passed from my lips for some time yet never embraced it as my own personal truth. It belongs not to that of a man such as Bernard, but to myself and everyone equally. It has been there so simply put, yet I’ve held at arms length. I ask myself why? Why would I just ignore everything that I know. At times I have thought to myself that I must be one of the most evil of evils as how could anyone that has heard and seen the message displayed right in-front of oneself actively disregard that message. To simultaneously partake in acts of separation while hearing the words running through ones mind, spitting on the message. As of late, it is something that has become increasingly prevalent within my experience. The mind, it seems has never let go. I have not given myself the chance or opportunity to actually even truly want to let go of the mind. Within these feelings of guilt and self blame exists, surprisingly and not surprisingly, my mind. It has dressed itself up as a being of compassion saying that it knows and feels sorry and guilty for the actions that I am allowing. But at the same time uses those failures to play upon the guilt that it has allowed to manifest in itself. Only interested in it’s on survival, no matter the cost. I have never seen myself in my entirety. Never really seen outside my own prison, and I am made to feel guilty for all possible solutions for attempting to do so. All based in past failures, things that while, yes, did happen. Have, no weight in the present moment that I occupy. A moment that is always new and in which I have a choice in what I am choosing to allow and accept, or not. To always choose how and in what way I am going to interact with the physical reality around me. To stand within the message, and express it clear and without hesitation to other beings around me, or to shrink back into a place of guilt ridden failure, afraid of what they may think or say of me or about me. To stand in constant commitment regardless of time, or what is even being said with a understanding that it is simply required to be done, no judgement of self, no jealously of others, no idea’s of how I may influence anyone. Just and only for my own sake first.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel loss for apparently missing the opportunity to directly talk and interact with Bernard. Not realizing that Bernard is essentially a flicker among the flames within the message of Equality and Oneness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sadness toward his passing. Not realizing it comes from a place of misunderstanding of the message as a well as indoctrinated past ideas about death and the fear of death in which it is mournful when someone of greatness dies.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sadness as a way of coping with feelings of guilt within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry at myself for my past failure and thinking that I have let Bernard down. Not realizing that this is only about myself, and that in allowing myself to feel as if I let him down, that I am actually letting him down as myself, as him, as the message.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not simply hear and see the message for what it actually is. sidestepping around it based in feelings from guilty past actions and emotions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ride on these past experiences to justify a belief that I am a loner, beyond help and condemned by my actions. Not realizing that this is a mind created deterrent in which my mind is playing both sides of the field creating friction energy, and controversy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that because of this complexity of self deception I will never escape it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I must be evil to allowing myself to disregard the message in moments of separation. Not realizing that while this is true, it does not have to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to actively disregard the message of Equality and Oneness from within my experience and actions as I acted in separation knowingly. Not realizing that I was allowing myself to dig a deeper and more complex hole to climb out of for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live without integrity within those moments based in self interest of wanting more for myself, not realizing that I was only depleting myself actually.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let the guilt from these actions bleed over and into my daily interactions with those in my immediate surrounding experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not seeing and realizing that I have never truly committed to stopping the mind. Never approached the process from a understanding of softness of self as well as unwavering commitment to self as the process. Only ever really acting out of past guilt association.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the mind in which it plays upon its on creations of past emotional memory placements. Building upon itself and playing at not seeing itself creating itself within these placements.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I am eternally imprisoned based on knowing that that is essentially all I have been. Imprisoned within my own mind. And feeling sorrow and guilt for this fact. Not realizing that it is the past, and as such is no longer real. That now is the real, and that now is the point of personal directive action and transcendence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that despite the consistent self sabotage of the mind the remaining fact that this is simply something that is required has not rung through, and I have placed a intricate web of excuses before this fact.

When and as I see myself looking to pass off a point in which requires a great deal of personal integrity into a excuse based in guilt around the past, I stop and breathe.

I commit myself to push through these feelings of guilt for my past failures.

I commit myself to realize that this process will require unwavering dedication and participation. And understanding that it is simply something that must be lived, daily.

I commit myself to realize that despite recent events that the message of Equality and Oneness cannot be lessened. To realize it has no properties of less or more it simply is truth.

I commit myself to realize that this truth exist within myself, and is something that I am worthy and gifted with if I so choose to allow it to be one and equal with myself and my expression.

I commit myself to not fear death and fear loss, by way of letting these fears alter and hijack my actions and mind.

I commit myself to not fear the complexity of my mind or to which the extent of which I have separated myself.

I commit myself to understand these conceptual points of self deception within and to address them from a starting point of softness and understanding with self.

I commit myself to this moment and each moment I consistently pass through with the directive principals of equality and oneness.

I commit myself to walking this journey renewed every day with a committed understanding of my past points of separation without hold myself in a pit of self pity of which I use to excuse failure in the moment.

I commit myself to see the mind as it moves and to stop it when it makes its moves to excuses, and justifications. To actually stand firm within myself and realize where it is my mind making the choices and breathe through them and realign myself into self directive behavior within the equality and oneness message.

13. Enter the Vortex of normality.

So I wanted to write about a common experience of mine that has become quite prevalent in my recent experience. This idea that normality is what is happening now. That to be normal and to be human is to go with the status quo. To fall in line with what is cool and what is hip. I have had this experience of seemingly being on the outskirts, of not fully fitting the mold or the coolness of everyone else. I am realizing that actually I was/am rejecting everyone for their apparent lack of compassion, patience, integrity.. etc. I do this without even getting to know people first. Without entering their shoes.. without entering the vortex of present day reality. There seems to be a fear of establishing myself withing this social scene in which perhaps I am placing myself in a position of greater/better/higher value. Based on things that I have accumulated within my own mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as is by interacting with people I am going with the status quo, losing something within just even talking to people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that what is currently taking place now is what is normality within the context of what society sees as cool, hip, acceptable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others and society for a apparent lack of compassion, patience, and integrity, and not realizing that this judgement has really been a mirror to myself wherein I has no compassion, patience, or integrity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that that dissonance is only a fallacy in my own mind and that by not participating in the public domain I am not doing anything to contribute to stopping the separation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am somehow not cool enough or not in enough to fit in within the social scene. Wherein my experience within it would defiantly point otherwise.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing spite to be a factor of my participation with the social structure of this world at the moment. Not realizing that I am placing myself above the rest and just separating myself from them further still.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the results of standing one with my expression. Of mixing up this spite, with fear of rejection in which I actually am denying myself interaction based on a grounds of prejudgments of society and using it as a excuse to justify my own fears.

When and as I see myself about to censor or stop myself from expressing a point in which I know in the moment needs to be expressed or shared I stop and breath through it.

I commit myself to interact within the social structure, realizing that it is up to me to find myself through my own expression.

I commit myself to realize that I am only delaying and waiting for myself, in the terms that society is only in a position to express what has always been. And that without the ability for me to express myself without censorship it will continue that way. And realizing that change within myself with assist in the change without.

I commit myself to stop accepting this dissonance within my own mind, in which I am simultaneously telling myself that I am not good enough, and too good for society.

I commit myself to explore this point to its fullest. To discover my own humanity, normality, compassion, patience, and find my real integrity.