So I wanted to write about a common experience of mine that has become quite prevalent in my recent experience. This idea that normality is what is happening now. That to be normal and to be human is to go with the status quo. To fall in line with what is cool and what is hip. I have had this experience of seemingly being on the outskirts, of not fully fitting the mold or the coolness of everyone else. I am realizing that actually I was/am rejecting everyone for their apparent lack of compassion, patience, integrity.. etc. I do this without even getting to know people first. Without entering their shoes.. without entering the vortex of present day reality. There seems to be a fear of establishing myself withing this social scene in which perhaps I am placing myself in a position of greater/better/higher value. Based on things that I have accumulated within my own mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as is by interacting with people I am going with the status quo, losing something within just even talking to people.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that what is currently taking place now is what is normality within the context of what society sees as cool, hip, acceptable.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others and society for a apparent lack of compassion, patience, and integrity, and not realizing that this judgement has really been a mirror to myself wherein I has no compassion, patience, or integrity.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that that dissonance is only a fallacy in my own mind and that by not participating in the public domain I am not doing anything to contribute to stopping the separation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am somehow not cool enough or not in enough to fit in within the social scene. Wherein my experience within it would defiantly point otherwise.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing spite to be a factor of my participation with the social structure of this world at the moment. Not realizing that I am placing myself above the rest and just separating myself from them further still.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the results of standing one with my expression. Of mixing up this spite, with fear of rejection in which I actually am denying myself interaction based on a grounds of prejudgments of society and using it as a excuse to justify my own fears.
When and as I see myself about to censor or stop myself from expressing a point in which I know in the moment needs to be expressed or shared I stop and breath through it.
I commit myself to interact within the social structure, realizing that it is up to me to find myself through my own expression.
I commit myself to realize that I am only delaying and waiting for myself, in the terms that society is only in a position to express what has always been. And that without the ability for me to express myself without censorship it will continue that way. And realizing that change within myself with assist in the change without.
I commit myself to stop accepting this dissonance within my own mind, in which I am simultaneously telling myself that I am not good enough, and too good for society.
I commit myself to explore this point to its fullest. To discover my own humanity, normality, compassion, patience, and find my real integrity.