14. Standing in the vortex.

So on this momentous of everydays I would like to continue where I left off on the last blog. Obviously there has been a major change that has happened. I came home from work to see that B has left… At first and I’m sure that I am not alone in this experience but I took this for a joke of some kind. Disbelief. How could this be. Then a sadness, then a anger…. yet through all of this I noticed one thing within myself that rung true. That this changes nothing. The message is unfettered, in fact the message has intensified within myself. I now understand with some clarity that to truly free oneself there cannot be any sort of reliance on another. Yes there is support available, yet the commitment is and of oneself. Now, from a standpoint of these past feelings of existing outside of the group, a loner who will never be understood. I can see where I did not allow myself the support. I did not deem myself worthy of the opportunity of talking with Bernard. Something in which I would previously consider a great loss. Something of which I can still sense within myself. Yet from everything that I have learned I know that this is not real. What is real is the message and living reality of Equal and One. A gift has been given to me and I did and have not even fully realized it. The idea has been with me, even passed from my lips for some time yet never embraced it as my own personal truth. It belongs not to that of a man such as Bernard, but to myself and everyone equally. It has been there so simply put, yet I’ve held at arms length. I ask myself why? Why would I just ignore everything that I know. At times I have thought to myself that I must be one of the most evil of evils as how could anyone that has heard and seen the message displayed right in-front of oneself actively disregard that message. To simultaneously partake in acts of separation while hearing the words running through ones mind, spitting on the message. As of late, it is something that has become increasingly prevalent within my experience. The mind, it seems has never let go. I have not given myself the chance or opportunity to actually even truly want to let go of the mind. Within these feelings of guilt and self blame exists, surprisingly and not surprisingly, my mind. It has dressed itself up as a being of compassion saying that it knows and feels sorry and guilty for the actions that I am allowing. But at the same time uses those failures to play upon the guilt that it has allowed to manifest in itself. Only interested in it’s on survival, no matter the cost. I have never seen myself in my entirety. Never really seen outside my own prison, and I am made to feel guilty for all possible solutions for attempting to do so. All based in past failures, things that while, yes, did happen. Have, no weight in the present moment that I occupy. A moment that is always new and in which I have a choice in what I am choosing to allow and accept, or not. To always choose how and in what way I am going to interact with the physical reality around me. To stand within the message, and express it clear and without hesitation to other beings around me, or to shrink back into a place of guilt ridden failure, afraid of what they may think or say of me or about me. To stand in constant commitment regardless of time, or what is even being said with a understanding that it is simply required to be done, no judgement of self, no jealously of others, no idea’s of how I may influence anyone. Just and only for my own sake first.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel loss for apparently missing the opportunity to directly talk and interact with Bernard. Not realizing that Bernard is essentially a flicker among the flames within the message of Equality and Oneness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sadness toward his passing. Not realizing it comes from a place of misunderstanding of the message as a well as indoctrinated past ideas about death and the fear of death in which it is mournful when someone of greatness dies.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sadness as a way of coping with feelings of guilt within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry at myself for my past failure and thinking that I have let Bernard down. Not realizing that this is only about myself, and that in allowing myself to feel as if I let him down, that I am actually letting him down as myself, as him, as the message.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not simply hear and see the message for what it actually is. sidestepping around it based in feelings from guilty past actions and emotions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ride on these past experiences to justify a belief that I am a loner, beyond help and condemned by my actions. Not realizing that this is a mind created deterrent in which my mind is playing both sides of the field creating friction energy, and controversy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that because of this complexity of self deception I will never escape it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I must be evil to allowing myself to disregard the message in moments of separation. Not realizing that while this is true, it does not have to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to actively disregard the message of Equality and Oneness from within my experience and actions as I acted in separation knowingly. Not realizing that I was allowing myself to dig a deeper and more complex hole to climb out of for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live without integrity within those moments based in self interest of wanting more for myself, not realizing that I was only depleting myself actually.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let the guilt from these actions bleed over and into my daily interactions with those in my immediate surrounding experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not seeing and realizing that I have never truly committed to stopping the mind. Never approached the process from a understanding of softness of self as well as unwavering commitment to self as the process. Only ever really acting out of past guilt association.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the mind in which it plays upon its on creations of past emotional memory placements. Building upon itself and playing at not seeing itself creating itself within these placements.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I am eternally imprisoned based on knowing that that is essentially all I have been. Imprisoned within my own mind. And feeling sorrow and guilt for this fact. Not realizing that it is the past, and as such is no longer real. That now is the real, and that now is the point of personal directive action and transcendence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that despite the consistent self sabotage of the mind the remaining fact that this is simply something that is required has not rung through, and I have placed a intricate web of excuses before this fact.

When and as I see myself looking to pass off a point in which requires a great deal of personal integrity into a excuse based in guilt around the past, I stop and breathe.

I commit myself to push through these feelings of guilt for my past failures.

I commit myself to realize that this process will require unwavering dedication and participation. And understanding that it is simply something that must be lived, daily.

I commit myself to realize that despite recent events that the message of Equality and Oneness cannot be lessened. To realize it has no properties of less or more it simply is truth.

I commit myself to realize that this truth exist within myself, and is something that I am worthy and gifted with if I so choose to allow it to be one and equal with myself and my expression.

I commit myself to not fear death and fear loss, by way of letting these fears alter and hijack my actions and mind.

I commit myself to not fear the complexity of my mind or to which the extent of which I have separated myself.

I commit myself to understand these conceptual points of self deception within and to address them from a starting point of softness and understanding with self.

I commit myself to this moment and each moment I consistently pass through with the directive principals of equality and oneness.

I commit myself to walking this journey renewed every day with a committed understanding of my past points of separation without hold myself in a pit of self pity of which I use to excuse failure in the moment.

I commit myself to see the mind as it moves and to stop it when it makes its moves to excuses, and justifications. To actually stand firm within myself and realize where it is my mind making the choices and breathe through them and realign myself into self directive behavior within the equality and oneness message.

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