15. I of the storm.

It occurs to me that in my last post perhaps I said to much and got little lost within the main point of the writings, yet that is how it came out so I am not in any regrets about it. Now I am going to attempt to stay within a set point of observation. Caring. SO as it stands, there has been some interesting and intriguing experiences that have I have passed through over the course to the last day and a bit. “Do I care?”, has been one of the main points. It is hard to become clear about whether I care or not about all of the lessons that Desteni has brought to the forefront of my experience. I read a couple of blog’s by a Destonian this morning that highlighted a few of the difficulties that I have been having with this idea of caring or not caring rather. The question that I have been carrying was something along the lines of “If I cared about Bernard passing then should I not be feeling something lasting?”. After a initial shock, it quickly set in that the course of action best suited to Bernard is to not mourn for his life. If anything I have learned from him through his words and talks it is that one should realize that death is only fearful if one is living in separation of oneself. If we fear ourselves and our past. Yet if we have courage to stand in life and face our past in life then death is no longer fearful as we have already died as the personality. Yet we will live on as life itself. Amazing and haunting lessons. So again, “do I care?”. Well… the question seems to have some requirements; do I care enough to change myself in such a way that supports life consistently? Daily? In the past I have not. So do I care? Well the past only exists in my mind. Now is the time that is real. There must certainty in my word and deed to make that commitment real, now. Certainty and authenticity, meaning that I cannot feel a sense of requirement in my word and deed it has to stand on its own as a expression of who I am. A understanding of the path that must be walked by myself and all to reach a world that is best for all. But also knowing that I cannot reach equilibrium by panic, sorrow and grasping out for straws, towards the way the current system is in place. To work softly at myself, being forgiving yet authoritative. That is the way to show that I care. To live care is to care. And to live these words is a way to honor the lessons I have learned and Bernard’s life. And though I never met him or even connected with him much, yet when I reached out he answered. I could definitely sense that he was a being who truly lived in care. I suppose what I am moving towards within this writing is that on one level I do not wish to just dismiss his death as something that I say does/did not bother me in the slightest. Yet, would like really know what it means to live in such a way that reflects a true sense of care, not words or tears, but action and certain self directive change. In the past I have let emotions be my guiding principle, but within this I realize that will not suffice. I must move past the swirling tempest of emotion step into the I and see the storm for what it really is. Thanks that’s all for tonight. I will follow up tomorrow.

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