17. Manufacturing outcomes.

A point I would like to explore today is one of looking to create experiences within a certain outcome. Controlling the situations that I am in with other beings and myself. I have noticed that when I enter into a situation with another being I sometimes find myself looking to illicit a certain response within the conversation or interaction. Saying this to get them to say that or making this face/smile/frown/etc to put some kind of emphasis or agreement on a point. What I would like to become aware of within this is if I am expressing myself in a genuine way or if I am just looking to gain some kind of attention in some type of self interested way. I notice this most prominently within my relationships with girls. Wherein I will be very cautious at times with my choice of words. The funny thing is that usually when I censor and show caution with my words there tends to be some extreme resistance within the outcome of the interaction. Like the more I try to make or influence the situation the more it tends to move out of control. I notice that when I am calm, and unconcerned with the outcome of the current experience the easier the situation is to handle and seems to flow more smoothly. This I can see is a fear of outcome, fear of loss in the moment, or a fear of mistakes within myself. By wanting to control myself I am fearing myself and my own expression in I am not trusting myself to say or do things in a manner that is sufficient to the situation. I still notice that when I speak sometimes I am still running things through a filtering system rather then letting it come through unfettered, from my points of understanding. I can see how this can be a indication of where I am doctoring my expression with thoughts or a point of manipulation, by way of if there is a pause within my words or not.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to create a certain outcome for my experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear expressing myself openly and without self judgement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what other beings may view me as if I make a mistake within my words or how I express myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take a hard stance on how I express, thus feeling like I need to censor myself or go along with someone’s view rather then to be forthcoming with my words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust my expression enough to come right out and say what I know. To hide behind excuses like they might not be ready. This is only showing me that in fact I am not ready.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be ready.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place a barrier between myself and females as something that must be overcome, and not as a equal to share with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the outcome to the point in which I feel I need to control it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear of losing something within the moment as something that cannot be regained. Not realizing that in fearing this loss I actually manifest it.

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