What I would like to write about now is my patience with things. I mentioned last time that I have somewhat switched from a experience of focus on world issues to one of self issues. Where I can see there is a split is in the aspect of gratification. I am realizing that gratification is a point within myself that I have been allowing myself to direct my experience. In the context in which watching documentaries has provided me with a form of gratification in which I have felt as if I am doing something. As if I have somehow done something to improve the energy or experience of the world by way of me learning something about something. Wherein I realize that knowing about these problems within the world is a aspect of understanding but simply watching documentaries for the reasoning of adding information and knowledge to my brain/ego for the purpose of regurgitation is missing the point. Alternatively I notice that when faced with the task or prospect of facing myself I am forced to recognize that I am allowing myself all sorts of points of separation. Not accounting for these and letting them continue. This, I’ve noticed is not providing me with gratification or a POSITIVE experience and thus is providing me with excuses with myself to not act. Rather to feel guilty, unworthy and unmotivated. I need to live the realization that this is my mind creating friction, creating idea’s and propositions to not change and act on what I KNOW.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I have reach a point that I have stopped changing or regressed by not watching documentaries.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate watching documentaries with a point of self growth. Not realizing that the information contained within documentaries needs to be acted on to become real growth of self.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel gratified for watching documentaries with a predisposition to gain knowledge from them as to be able to seem more intelligent or more caring. Wherein the real intelligence or care comes from action.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allowing self gratification to direct my experiences and dictate my choices.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing my own self documentary and look inwards at where I am the source of separation. Not realizing that focusing outwards is a form of avoidance and blame redirection.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be self directive on the principle that looking at myself does not provide me with a gratifying or positive experience.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty for not looking at myself despite the negative aspects which have not been addressed.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel unworthy based out of shame for past events, and action/lack of action.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become unmotivated by the past. Not realizing that this is my own mind playing itself against I.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my mind run free creating all sorts of friction centered around pointing the focus all ways except toward myself. Even when focus on myself creating a negative self image or experience to create a point of disdain and procrastination within my experience.
When and as I see myself looking to push back from a point of self introspect and dedication to action within self directive change based purely out of a fear of negative experience or guilt, I stop and breathe.
I commit myself to stop associating learning about myself with a negative experience.
I commit myself to push past these points of determent and to just act in self directive-ness.
I commit myself to admit to these point of self sabotage and highlight them in such a way that allows me to not use them as future excuses.
I commit myself to stop using gratification as a prime point of motivation for me to do anything. Rather to go into points of action with a open point of non expectation.
I commit myself to not fear what I will find out about myself as I realize that it is already known, only ignored.
I commit myself to act on the information that I have learned and accumulated. Making it real by sharing and listening to different point of view. Not hoarding like a ransom.
I commit myself to express the points of knowledge as to share without barrier and to be able to understand and change where necessary points that are in need of change.