20. Wading backwards through the shit.

Yesterday I had the opportunity to attend a gathering of Destonians. many new paths of consideration was opened up and many points were solidified for my current understanding and realization. The importance of finding and committing to my own sense of self directive action and self honesty was made very clear. That there are many things within my own process that requires me work through these points of confusion, procrastination, and lack of motivation for myself. And while there was particular Destonians there that were admirable within their expressions, it was clear to me that I cannot hold them in some particular light of idol-ism. There is support there if it is needed or asked for but reliance is a point from my own past process that I must watch out for. This is a point of which I have realized pertains to my relationship with Bernard. While he was here I have always had a sense that someone has been taking care of things so I do not have to. That no matter what I did he would be there to take care of it. So I did not need to stand for myself. Well of course this has changed, and while I realize that there is all of what he had said and done still here and accessible. My shit is my own for me to clean up. While this makes for a deeply entrenched point of resistance to change, there will be and never has been any being capable of addressing my own mind and its meanderings except me. To accept nothing less then all of it is something that is a very audacious and heinous looking task yet to not flip or fall into depression or hopelessness is practical, necessary, and realistic. To not rely on hope either but to find integrity and motivation within myself to become a consistent being. One who is capable and becomes culpable for my word and deed. This gathering has also let me see that within this process there is room and need for support within my own process with myself, to keep a air of easiness and malleability with myself, in which it is important to not take the process overly seriously. To laugh and be laughed at by myself and others. That it is important to engage all aspects of my relations with myself and other beings. Where I am hesitant, hiding, and scared to be involved with others in fear of judgement, in where I am scared to be involved in a agreement with another being, or not. What are my starting points within all of my actions, activities, and words. What is knowledge and information, and where I am misunderstanding the usage of this. Understanding that my past is what has opened up this plethora of shit into my expression and experience and that this is all based out of past knowledge and information. To consider and hear others points of view but to always check the starting point of my points of expression and what am I actually intending behind the words that I am choosing to express. I also realized the importance of keeping the timing within the group and the system in line with my own. To keep up with everything and form a stable platform for myself to stand solid.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to revere other Destonians for were they are within their process. Formally seeing them as a act of magic in which they did not have to walk this process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge them by this reverence in which I did not know them or saw their process as being something not akin to my own.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be nervous while attending this gathering in which I was predicting that I would be judged in some fashion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that the responsibility of self direction is on me, and that the others will not do it for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire knowledge and information from within the conversation and not realizing that this information was/would be intended as a exemplary form of expression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be greater then myself and others based around where I stand presently from within my process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project a particular position for myself within the context of the Desteni group.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view this as a point of separation and not a natural point of directive action, specifically in which I am imagining a destination or place for myself within the group and not taking action to get me there or anywhere really.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see others from within the gathering as being less then or not as part of or into Desteni as others. Not seeing that as a separation point of not valuing them as a equal and one being. Putting conditions on my respect or validation of the being rather then simply understanding that they are in another place in their process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold doubt in other certain members from with the gathering. Seeing their information as being less important as others or in some respect incomplete. Taking the road of blame and finger pointing rather then the opportunity to understand my own view more precisely.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold reaction toward certain subjects that came up regarding other groups. In which I would feel as if I knew better or vindictive in that I was correct and they were misinformed or walking the wrong path.

I forgive myself for fearing the encounter with certain Destonians in the context in which I was afraid that they would be able to see right through me, not realizing that the point is in reverse and that which I should be expressing myself openly no matter what, yet from a platform of what is best for all and not sheer obligatory verbalization.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my progress or others progress in which we are in some way holding each other back and not seeing that the only way we would hold each other back is through lack of self direction and expression. Not saying what is required to say with the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel regret toward the parting of the gathering in which I held on to the other beings in a small way not wanting to stand on my own alone once again and missing the support that was provided.

When and as I see myself looking to judge others and base my views, words and actions from a starting point of separation, knowledge and information, in a attempt to judge a situation, being, or event. I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself wanting to concede a question, line of expression, or response in such a way that is not best for all I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself viewing myself from above or below another being in relevance to my particular position from within my process and the Desteni group itself, I stop and breathe.

I commit myself to stop fearing others within the group and judging them for the possibility of judging me.

I commit myself to express myself in such a way that allows for me to make mistakes and see where I am operating from from and place of self interest, and knowledge and information.

I commit myself to see others around me as equal and one with myself no matter what point they are coming from from within their processes.

I commit myself to not fear an agreement with another being based out of incompatibility, and realize that the point is within bringing out points in myself to be able to see things that I would not be able to see on my own.

I commit myself to not want a agreement based only in and from a place of desire for sex or attraction.

I commit myself stop revering others withing the group in such a way that allows me to hide behind their progress and see where I am allowing myself to procrastinate based on desire/jealousy.

I commit myself to stop talking out of a place in which I feel as if I have answers, but from a place of understanding my starting point from within the expression.

I commit myself to see the points in which I am expressing myself verbally or non verbally in which I am seeking a point of self interested response or gratification from another being.

I commit myself to let go of the moment and beings when the time has come to leave a event and not fear standing alone once again.

I commit myself to understanding that there is no one moment that is greater or less then another in value, and realize that this moment is happening now. Anything other reaction is a judgment of this moment based from a point of past or future knowledge and information starting point.

I commit myself to continue walking the points that I have gained insight into yesterday. Walking backward through what I have accepted and allowed until there is nothing.

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