21. Down beat-off of depression.

I would like to open up on a topic regarding myself and my relationship between depression music although not so only specifically about music, but more about action and reaction within myself. What I have noticed is that I have a tendency to unfailingly rely on music to somewhat set the tone for my mood. Or really choose music in which I would like to experience based on a particular mood that I am allowing. For the past while I have somewhat been unwilling to live in silence with myself, always playing some form of music to fill the static. How I relate to this is something that I have not or have been unwilling and avoiding to investigate. The music that I choose to listen to generally has been of somewhat a melancholy tone. Wherein it usually with depict a message or sound of something sad or down. Although much of the time it will be of a angry nature or aggressive nature flipping between two poles. I am seeing that within myself this is a reflective of myself throughout the day. I can see that it is a point of attachment to certain emotions and it bleeds into a experience during my workday and off time. Guilt and longing make up a point where much of this music is desired. For instance up until a short time ago I was falling in porn again and feeling strong guilt attached to it based out of a place of negligence with self. There is a song by “Fever Ray” called “If I had a heart” and within the song there is verse in which he sings the lyrics “this will never change because I want more” I would tend to play this song in response to a failure in directive action toward watching porn. Obviously this is a point of self sabotage and creating a platform for self doubt. Now I do not want to suggest that music is something of an reasoning or excuse for myself or actions but rather an indication to myself in which I am actually showing myself where I doubt myself and reflect points in which I know what I’m doing and do not care. Since I have been making a stand with myself toward porn and the effects of watching it again I have noticed that I have not been playing songs in which the general nature has been rooted within the context of separation or desire. An interesting observation point. I will move into more depth within the pornography point again in later posts but I just would like to start off with this observation point of music within my daily experience. Falling asleep without music has been something none existent for a couple months now and I have noticed that it bleeds over into the day in which while working there usually is a particular line or song replaying in my mind, popping up whenever to fill the void. Whenever there is stillness it will come up even after saying forgiveness previously.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to form strong attachments of music and emotional ties to certain music.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I need music to allowing me to fall asleep at night unwilling to trust myself to be able to sleep in silence or unintentional noise.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that music is what is controlling my emotions when it really is something that is reflective of emotions and feelings that I am allowing myself to experience. Using the music as an excuse.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad and entrench and solidify that emotion within the music that I am playing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel depression in a response to failure regarding self direction toward porn, and using this depression and music associated with the emotion to justify and continue these actions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not investigate in depth why I have continued falling on the porn point, instead ignoring it and using music as a scapegoat.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue with these feelings of doubt, guilt, uneasiness, anger, disbelief with myself at the failings despite knowing to a certain extent the consequences of watching porn. Falling into a point of self negligence similar to a state of drunk driving. Know it is not acceptable, safe, or best for all yet choosing to do it anyway.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take heed in a message in which I attach belief in a point in which I will not change and that I am greedy and selfish being the bottom line. Not stopping and directing myself from a standpoint of self directive action.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to change and letting physical pleasure run away with my capability to make a stand and dictate my action.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire sex to a point in which I fall into a point of non patience and give in to a place of “the next best thing” without even investigating into what this actually is, believing and allowing it to be porn.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be stable within a environment in which I do not have music to fill in the blanks. Not trusting or staying within the breathe and instead letting music carry my mind along for the ride throughout the day and night.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry and choose music that reflects this emotion dictating and enhancing this emotion through a point of vindictive scapegoating toward the system and it’s hierarchical platforms.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if music can in some way make up for some lacking point of self expression with my self. Not realizing that it is not a point of expression coming from me, only letting it run through me and actually influence my own expression instead.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a platform from which I allowing myself to wallow in despair and doubt about my capability to stand in integrity, not seeing the link in which I am in fact just giving myself excuses to continue in separation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let time be a factor in which I let myself ease away from my motivation and integrity to stand. Wherein the more time that passes without directing myself in writing and self honesty the less culpable I feel towards my actions.

When and as I see myself looking to looking to let music be a scapegoat for my emotions and feelings I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself wanting to place myself in a position of depression based out of lyrics or tones of music I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself wanting to allow anger to boil within myself based out of music I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself wanting to justify actions with certain music let music be the trigger within myself to perform certain actions I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself in a place of requirement to play or been in music I stop and breathe.

When and as I see music playing within my mind as a point of filling in the void I stop and breathe.

I commit myself to investigate my attachments towards my emotional states and music.

I commit myself to see where I am using music as a point of self sabotage and a excuse for my actions.

I commit myself to stop using music in such a way that it forms a relationship of reliance on who I see myself to be in relation to my self expression.

I commit myself to stop using music as a point placement of guilt mending.

I commit myself to understand the role point of musical expression within the current systems and where it is supporting life and where it stands in separation.

I commit myself to deal with points of filler music in my mind as they come up and to not accept them to continue.

I commit myself to sleep without music playing as a requirement to me falling asleep.

I commit myself to remain culpable for my actions within my points of separation no matter the amount of time passing.

I commit myself to further investigate my relationship with porn and how it has remained a point of separation and self negligence within my experience.

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