22. Trapped within image.

Continuing where I left off from last post I would like to jump back into where I left from last concerning my relationship within my experiences with porn. Now I have written about this point before and while I have made commitments on it before there is a recognition within myself that I did not intend to fully keep those commitments from the get go. This is obvious as I have fallen back on those points again and again until a short time ago. From where I stand now I can see that there are several areas in which I have not addressed fully. Which is recognizable through my actions. Seeing and understanding the material, reasons and consequences for using porn have been apparent yet I have continued to use it. Why could this be I ask myself. I seems that my relationship with porn is linked into another area of myself concerning my relationship with women in general and how I view myself within the relationships of sex within society. What I seem to be doing is filling a gap within myself in which I am looking for someone to complete me within the status of a sex partner. It’s somewhat paradoxical as I have a hard time in expressing myself to the girls yet using porn has only intensified this difficulty. I can see now where using porn actually has placed a particular and substantial amount of guilt within my experience expressing to women. I feel out of place and to a degree paralyzed when confronted with the point of directly speaking to women that induced desire or attraction within me. Another point is made apparent in which I do not understand myself as I am feeling these points of desire and attraction. I have been looking at girls in such a way that really only is in a form of self interest. When really I should asking and breaking down this relationship within myself as to why I am desiring sex so strongly and why am I not patient enough to let a situation occur natural and without a input from a system in which I am looking to make something happen. Why I am seeking gratification so strongly that I panic and let myself fall into sabotaging myself by attempting to make a experience occur? For physical pleasure? For emotional gratification? To feel whole or stable within my idea of myself in which I need someone there to make myself ok within who I see myself to be? All of these are reasons it is certain. I feel as if I am missing out on something when I am not in a relationship with a female. Like I am wasting my time being single, to the point in which it takes over my whole experience. Where every female that I find attractive is regarded as a potential mate. And wherein this attraction lies I can see is within mainly a point of physical attraction first. Moving through society has become a point of fear in which a repel from. As much as I am desiring a connection with another being my fear or rejection and inadequacy are a stone wall in actually allowing to take place at all. I feel trapped within a sense of longing yet cowardice to act. In this I see myself fucking myself in such a way in which I continuously allow myself to miss the point of real connection in which my expression as myself comes first and my desire is something that should not be allowed or accepted to have any opinion within my interactions with anyone. I see the point in which I should be expressing myself naturally to all beings, male and female. Of any age or physical appearance. Those points should not matter to the way I express myself as myself. And within my experience lies a point of giving up as I see myself failing and resorting to porn as a point of self punishment in which I am telling myself that I will never change. That this is all I am capable of concerning girls. Missing the point of self honesty and direction within my actions. Not allowing myself to ever walk for any amount of time without falling into despair and giving up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as someone who is not worthy of a meaningful truly caring connection with anyone based out of my failure to commit to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let myself believe that watching porn is a acceptable form of filling this gap of inadequacy within myself. Not realizing that it is only making the gap larger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to continue to use and view women as something that must be attain to stabilize my own sense of self worth and identity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the point in which using porn is actually creating this reality within myself and sabotaging myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place image and images in a place of attraction within my mind.

I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to give value to physical attraction in such a way that it influences my relationships with beings and who I choose to interact with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place certain beings in my experience on a platform of special-ness within my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let past experiences with beings to dictate my current experience those beings in which I long for and desire another experience with them, mainly sexual or flirtatious in nature.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take the time and have patience with myself to actually have a unadulterated relationship with another being based without a starting point of attraction or desire.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use porn as a form of feeling sorry for myself in which I am unable to just let these feelings of inadequacy past through me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continuously waste my time and moments within a point that I have been walking with for a unacceptable amount of time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the excuse that porn is prevalent within that male realm as a acceptable reason for me to continue using it myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let myself instantly resort my view of women into a place of viewing anyone I find attractive as a potential girlfriend and partner. Not realizing that in taking this action I am really only building a higher wall to climb.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not hold every being as equal to myself instead of reducing them to being attractive or not, and allowing this to dictate my interaction with them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view beings from a starting point of compatibility first and failing to express myself from a point of equality with the being unconditionally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place such regard within the platform of attraction and not realize that attraction is something that is holistic in reality and not something that can be deciphered from images or the physical human body only.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to place less importance on the content of a experience with another being and allowing my expression to alter based out of what level of attraction I place the other being in.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view myself as less, inferior or incapable of expressing myself to a being based out of a point of physical appearance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to throw out all that I have understood about myself when confronted with a point of relationships with other beings and continuously choose to fall back into old past patterns in which I have been shown again and again are psychotic and will only keep arriving at the same place.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not hold myself responsible for my thoughts and actions within this context.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resort to anger at myself for failing withing this systems of image importance and self definition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel false pride within my own self image to bring about a point of class judgement in which only some beings are attractive enough or worthy to be with me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use this as a filtering mechanism in which I allowing this to pass judgement on who I choose to bring into my experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create pre dialogue in which to use in a attempt to gain a certain response or experience and not trusting myself to express and act in such a way in which I am being genuine and spontaneous. Not fearing the result.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how using porn is a form of self allowance to continue in all of these points of separation. Actually enabling them and is really a point of myself just giving in and unwilling to trust myself.

When and as I see myself want to just let it all slide in the context of not committing to my own self expression and trusting myself in this moment every moment I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself wanting to resort to using porn as a form of self pity I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself allowing myself to view other beings from a platform of judgement based out of images or attraction, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself preconceiving material to express in a way as to induce a specific action or experience I stop and breathe.

When and as I see wanting to judge myself from a point of self doubt in which I believe that I will never change and not be able to follow through with self direction and commitment I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself viewing myself as less of a being by way of not being in a relationship I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself desiring another being as a point of compatibility I stop and breathe

When and as I see myself desiring sex to the point of letting it control my self expression I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself projecting a scenario of what may happen or the possibility for relationship opportunity I stop and breathe.

I commit myself to stop using porn as a point of allowance in result of self failure or projected self failure.

I commit myself to hold self trust in myself and my expression in spite of current self doubt and uncertainty.

I commit myself to see when I am continuing to project my sense of uncertainty with a point of not trusting in the moment to express in moment.

I commit myself to stop viewing other beings from a platform self interest in which I place there attraction as a viable point in which they determine my attention or awareness.

I commit myself to see the importance and point of every being as being my equal and myself.

I commit myself to view other beings as being equal in value and to stop viewing them as a hierarchical system in which places being according to physical image.

I commit myself to push through the tendency to reduce my interactions to a placement of worth according to if I am attracted to them.

I commit myself to express myself in a way that is from a starting point of equality with the being rather then as a point of acquiring something from them.

I commit myself to understand my tendencies to search for a mate and disregard any other relationship with beings.

I commit myself to see equal importance in my relationships with males to the one with females, and to understand that expressing myself to both is of equal importance.

I commit myself to observe my continuing expression toward beings within my experience and to self honestly see where I am changing my expression and to direct it accordingly to my self commitments.

I commit myself to see where I am looking to express myself from a starting point of emotional lack or looking for a emotional stimulus.

I commit myself to continue to let this system open up as to be able to see where I still need direction.

I commit myself to have patience within this system and not fall back into this system out of a placement point of despair.

I commit myself to not give up on this point until it has been effectively explored and corrected.

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