45. Additional Sf for 44. Not knowing and not caring to investigate.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a placement of myself as a hero image and then recoiling towards other beings when they do not recognize that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not develop a clear and self supportive organizational pattern within the way I conduct my process in which I realize to mean is to be self starting in my investigations of myself, where I am lacking in understanding and foregoing any further investigation into that lack. Instead looking to spend the time “sharing” what I “know” which actually is only ignorance because I am starting from a placement of lack, not being clear in my expression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself and allow that blame to manifest and simmer into a hatred of myself, and from there look to cover or disguise that hatred as a disdain and hatred for the rest of the world.

When and as I see myself looking to blame others for not getting me, I stop and breathe and realize that from that starting point that I am actually attempting to manipulate the other being into a position of support for myself within my self definition and I am not being self support for myself.

When and as I see myself within friction when interacting with another being in which I am struggling to discern if I am expressing from a starting point of actual expression or from a starting point of reliance I stop and breathe and take a look at what is the prime motivating factor within why I am saying what I am saying in that moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place such a personal investment in how others are thinking and conducting themselves to the point in which it has become a consuming point of judgement.

So within that I commit myself to see and realize that the practical solution within this system would be to stop myself when I recognize the feeling of disdain coming forth and recognizing the typical reaction within me to place myself in a position of “teaching them the right way”. And actually being self supportive by staying on point within the conversation and not straying off of the subjective path, or allowing myself to desire the satisfaction of manipulating the other being in such a way that is causing unrequired conflict. I commit myself to Realize that that point is a point of creating friction within my relationships and causing unnecessary points of separation to manifest.

I commit myself to direct myself within investigating the material required to be able to effectively discern my interactions with others and be certain of my starting point in my expression, where primarily it is a point of self, and not a point of self gratification.

I commit myself to take the time necessary conduct the exploration of the material and to do so in a manner in which is more structured and disciplined then I have been.

I commit myself to see the value within these commitment points in which I am firstly learning to bring myself into a placement of self trust with myself and at the same time being able to be trust worthy within my relationships with other and not creating friction pointlessly and for self interest.

44. Not knowing and not caring to investigate.

So from where I left off from yesterday I was writing about how I have a point of hatred of myself based out of and as a hatred of the world that I am existing within and how to identify where this began, yet only being able to speculate at the beginning and that working my way back and moving within what is here and now is a point of self support that is feasible at this time. And which is applicable to my recent current experiences. So within that I would like to open a point up about how I get stuck on a point of not investigating the material to the full extent of my capabilities and then when interacting with other beings I reach a point of being somewhat at “the edge” of my understanding, and not knowing where to proceed within my expression. At that point I notice that there is some friction within me at those times. But looking closer I see that this is a point of not motivating self to look beyond that experience of friction or not having value within finding the solution no matter what it takes to find the solution and instead getting upset and reacting within anger, and disappointment with others, hating others for not getting it. But really this only shows me that I am just whining about this and not really directing myself to a solution which would be to investigate for myself and ask for support. Showing myself that I do not actually care enough about myself OR the other being to be able to spend the time and effort to really find out for myself and do it for myself as within that I am really only looking to create a self gratifying experience by sharing rather then the point of expression. So seeing that I also realize that this is a current source of the the hatred that I feel towards others which is actually a hatred that I feel towards myself from a starting point of directive application that is not clear of ulterior motives. Kind of like a sick loop of fucking myself. So working within that understanding I would have to come to a threshold within that system and step back from creating a experience which is based on getting people to agree with me so they can validate my purpose for me. So that is the system point in which I am facing presently and it is interesting to see how this point of hatred can take on so many different manifestation attachment points within me, like how the hatred may not have necessarily have originated within this reliance point but it morphed into it to maintain it own existence. Or attached itself to this point of reliance in such a way that hides it origin to some degree at least.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I need to share what I know to maintain a sense of self definition and not realize that I a just looking to fulfill a desire for attention system point placement within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how within this point of giving more importance to sharing that I do not direct myself in such a way that is self supportive as the starting point of my sharing is not within clarity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become upset at the point of not being able to successfully bring people around to the message of Desteni that I become actually attached to this upset as a point of demotivation to investigate why it is that I am trying to share the message and in that foregoing the point of self support. Not realizing that this actually doing more harm. And within that creating more uncertainty and misunderstanding, and then become more upset at that effectively creating a feedback loop in how I conduct myself daily with other beings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not research the material within the context of applicability.

I forgive myself for feeling this hatred towards others when in fact it is actually a expression of hatred toward myself and not feeling secure within myself, so looking to fill that insecurity by assuring myself through others, yet from that starting point not seeing the cycles of not progressing past that point and replaying the same experience in which I am waiting for others to get it and catch on and start walking with me, not realizing and seeing that they are not walking because I am not walking. I’m sitting next to them talking about the beauty of change when I haven’t really moved from that spot.

I commit myself to walk consistently even if I am walking alone for a undetermined amount of time, to see the value of walking myself to freedom without someone or some to fill that void. I stop and breathe when and as I see myself fearing the unknown and that I do not need to make others see how I see to be me in this moment in time.

I will finish this line of self forgiveness in the morning as well as the next part of this blog post.

43. Hating MYSELF as everything

From within my writings yesterday I noticed a point of questioning in which I am not taking into account. Within this hatred for everything I am not realizing that I am not seeing how everything around me has been designed to create and incubate that sort of reaction and experience within myself. That my whole life has been based within a parameter in which I was not really given much option, insight, or support in which to see/react any other way. But within that realization being brought to light that opens up the complete responsibility to see what it was/is for what is was/is. So this hate for everything that has endured this whole time and exist to some point still within me now, bears now only a point of self responsibility in which in ignorance was seen as a reaction to to the stimulus of the system now within a raising of the veil I see that to be only hatred directed at myself. Wherein the hatred really was only ever directed at myself and just my ability to discern this has changed and been made apparent. So the next step would be to identify where this hatred stems from within how I have accepted and allowed myself to construct my self as from birth. Looking back I see that it is difficult to see a exact point in which this particular instance took place. So the common sense thing to do would be to first forgive myself for allowing this system to continue to remain presently and work backwards though the memories that supported this formation of self hate one at a time.

And so, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself as a reaction toward the physical reality that I currently a part of, and not realizing that this reaction is actually a manifestation of a predetermined pre-programmed construct in which I had very little choice in the result of my current experience. But also commit to a realization that within that understanding there is a point in which responsibility can and has to be taken to develop a true understanding of my relationship to the world and myself within it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place a point of blame on my experience in which I give over my power and self identity to a outside source and effectively cutting of myself from any solution by actually making my self less then my environment.

I forgive myself for unquestioningly accepting this hatred to be real, valid and vindicated within myself to point in which it blinded me from even seeing it as being everything and everyone else’s fault but my own and in such abdicating my responsibility to self and self honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself to be able to handle the truth about myself in what it was that manifested this system in the first place and allowed myself to hide behind hate as a point of fear of the system and what it was doing to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only see the point in which the system was affect myself and not acknowledging that the system is affecting all beings within simultaneously in which some are rewarded for separation points and some punished, yet all are within the current stand point of inequality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stay within this hate system while seeing how it affects everyone, and within that being only a contributor albeit a unconscious one.

I commit myself to step in to a self honestly in which I am not placing myself in a point of fear of what I may find hidden behind this hatred system, and to stop and breathe when I look back and see point of where this system manifest from or take root/substance from.

I commit myself to look back on my past and look at all points in which this system is stemming from one at a time in a common sense and orderly fashion, meaning to see the connective points where one event leads into the next lead into the next and so on. When and as I see the points I stop and breathe and apply myself in practical application of self forgiveness, realizing that I have allowed myself to become one and equal with those points and to correct them I must admit them to myself in honesty and self trust that I am not less then them.

I commit myself to realize that I am one and equal to all beings within the current system of inequality and that we are all facing the same issues and that I am not any better or worse off then them, so to hate anything for that would be to intentionally hate myself as them as the point of becoming aware of my relationship to the world has already be made apparent. So when and as I see myself wanting to let myself just “forget” the point of knowing that relationship and fall into hatred I stop and breathe and take the focus back to myself in realizing that I am here now and not a point from my past and not allow that to hold a influential sway within the present moment.

I commit myself to realize that I am not different from anyone else in the context that whatever is going on in my head and what am doing with my life holds no real weight in the reality that all are equal and one and that any form of feeling better or that others are inferior is actually the ego mind playing out a point of attempting to sabotage myself in creating friction, and that these points of better or worse are actually delusion that I am accepting to exist.

So when and as I see myself wanting to even for a second pass judgement on others based within a merit system I stop and breathe forgiving the judgement and realizing that I am only trapping myself within that judgement, making myself small and powerless to myself and actually destroying all my credibility and integrity with self within that moment.

42. Hating everything as myself.

Well from what I touched on yesterday shows me that I just need to get on with it and while identifying the problem is one thing that acting and exposing myself is another thing.

I would like to just come out in the open with a point of how in the past I have had a underlying hatred for everything. Believing and acting upon and within this deep hatred for my experience, with the system, and people within the system. I have had a point of view the world and its inhabitants from a place of complete arrogance in which I see everyone/everything as being stupid and short sighted. Placing myself in a position of self inaugurated royalty and setting myself apart in which I feel as if I and my feelings and desires are more important and vindicated to be realized/granted. Where this comes from is obviously from a place of detachment and separations from the world around me and others in it, this stems from my upbringing I realize and how because I go through hardship within my experience that somehow this makes me or gives me the right to be right all the time. And when that doesn’t happen or someone is not playing along to that experience for me I say “well fuck em then”. Within this I can see how I am actually in such a deep delusion as I try to cover this up with a great cover/mask of myself by trying to make everyone my friend, and attempting to make them believe that I am willing to bend over backwards to present a pearly white glowing image of myself to make them recognize that they should be viewing me in great reverence and awe. Real insane logic when I see it here but it makes sense to why I behave the way I do at times. Without any real respect for myself in I am in fact prostituting myself out within a point of trying to make others pay by being this nice person or friend to them. Like “they will realize, by god they will realize” using hatred of their ignorance as fuel for me to make them see it my way. Never actually bringing it back to self or seeing my own ignorance within this equation. Not stopping to see that this hatred actually is a expression of my own hatred of myself and my own life. Many of the other subsequent points stemming and feeding off of this one of never quite coming to terms with my own limitations that I have place myself in through my actions and inaction. Just telling myself that if they don’t get me then they are not worth it. When all along it is I who haven’t gotten or spent a moment to start to understand them and my relation to them. Or see how I am really only standing within my emotional reactions of my past experiences and a allowing them to influence my current expression. Within that I can see and realize that my definition of being a nice or pleasant person has been completely screwed up in which I have been looking at it as being something in which you do things for others, not seeing that within that context there is only judgement as I am behaving a certain way to gain a particular platform within the judgement viewpoint systems within other beings. And from where I view other beings as being nice or benevolent is really only a point of judgement on my own part. Really only tuning each other’s radio knobs. So with that realization the thing to do would be to bring this back to a place of practically every time and stop looking to view people as being good or bad, smart or dumb, wise or short-sighted, and to start seeing people as other beings equal and one with me in which we are all here now and all facing the same world scenario. That the only real distinction that is of note is if one stands for life or for self interest. And to practically bring it back to myself within that distinction and see where I am still in conflict with myself every time and throughout all my interactions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive others by presenting a false image of benevolence as myself when really I have been using that image as a smokescreen to hide the real face of hatred for them. Not realizing that I was in fact hating from a place of self loathing and unwillingness to accept and forgive myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall within a energetic exchange between beings as a point of supporting and continuing these systems within myself and contributing to the systems within others as a whole.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not investigate the real motives behind why I am choosing to express myself from the starting point of wanting others to see me in a “good light” and not seeing the distinction for what it really is which is a judgement based distinction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the polarity experience that plays itself out when I am seeking to be viewed and regarding as a “good” “loving” person in which from there I am really only admitting to myself that I do not view myself from a place of stability or a whole sense of self. Obliviously outsourcing my self definition onto others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept the definition that others place on me as being this “caring loving being” without questioning it, not as, to, and from a place of judgement of them but questioning my own acceptance of it by bringing it into my being and allowing it to influence my view of myself and how I conduct myself in a reaction to others view of me. Allowing it to form a point of a code of self conduct in which I believe I have to act or express myself a certain way as to maintain others approval of me rather then sharing whatever is relevant within that moment no matter what the outcome may be. And I commit myself to see how that the equal and one expression of self will at times be received and perceived by others as being evil, cold and uncaring, yet that always wanting to be seen and regarded as good, nice, or loving, is really the evil in disguise for something else at work within self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if this hatred is unforgivable and to vast to be dealt with within myself in such giving up before I even get started in self honesty. Not seeing how in wanting to give up I am allowing that expression to hold sway even now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let this feeling of hatred towards others manifest to and as my experience within my everyday interactions and in how I conduct myself with myself in which I can see a vast difference in how I conduct myself at work or with friend to how I conduct myself at home in which these two experiences are like two different people.

I commit myself to see that within this realization that I am really only standing in fear when I am looking to others to place in that piece of the puzzle for me not seeing and realizing that they only have pieces of their own puzzles. And by giving me their pieces I have to give them mine or they have to go find a piece from someone/something else.

And I commit myself to realize that by forcing them to place that piece in I am in fact making a picture that does not make sense. So when and as I see myself looking to others to fill in this point of gratification point within myself I stop the interaction within myself, breathe, and realize what I am doing is actually messing up both of our puzzles for the sake of a point of self hatred in which I do not want to be seen as being incomplete to and as myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see and view others as beings of lesser value and nature then myself and therefore should be looking up to me for guidance and instruction. And within that I commit myself to share myself unconditionally in such a way that is a expression of myself without points of judgement of myself or the other being and from a starting point of being only a example of equality and oneness.

I commit myself to really dig deeper and look closer at where these point have come from within myself and expose them to myself as a practically point in which I can see and understand to be fundamental in reaching a understand of why I am still judging people, and desiring judgment from people and seeing how this whole time that has escaped me as a realization point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use this facade of acting like a good being as a point of covering up or making up for points within the past in which I really am feeling a guilt coming through like watching porn, fighting with my friends, family, and girlfriends. And I commit myself to stop associating this point of trying to redeem myself through how others perceive me to be rather then simply realizing that the only way to transcend self hatred and loathing it to fully recognize it and expose it to myself so I can work through it a step at a time.

41. Staying within my comfort zone and fearing to face the evil side of me.

So continuing from yesterday I am looking to explore a little bit more into this image I have convince myself that I need to be. From what I can tell I have always been looking to justify my inaction with a image of benevolence. Plenty of instances through out my experience in which I have not acted and used the reasoning that those experiences or interactions are not “right” or “correct” so I refuse to even acknowledge there existence as something that is happening in my experience. This is plain to see that I have a point of self interest in which I am looking out for my own self safety or preservation. But I realize that what I am actually doing is just reacting in fear and not standing up then making justifications for why I should not have stood up. Really just being evil and then making up things to make it seem like I was actually acting in goodness by not taking action. I have built level of comfort and have refused to step outside of it. And when I look closer I’m realizing that I am only being cowardly, this ranges from many degrees and many different points of view, for instance seeing a fight and having the ability to step in and stop it and not doing so saying its not my problem turning my back to it. Or having the ability to refrain from arguing with a parent and allowing myself to take out pent up frustration on them in clouds of logic. Kinda of like blaming them for why I can sort my shit out for myself, and using their problems to deviate from seeing my own. Or also something simplistic like not pushing myself to learn a new skill or work a little more efficiently and using tiredness or vindictive mantras to justify it. Or even a most prominent example being not talking or just interacting with women or people in general because I have better things to do and they would not get me anyways, even when something is screaming at me to just say hello or reach out to someone. Anyway what I am getting at here is that all I have ever really been doing is staying within my comfort zone. And when I do step out momentarily the change does not stick it just peeks it head out as if to say to myself “hey, there you go you did it” then I rush back into the same place I was before with a fuzzy feeling of accomplishment. Now within that I realize that there is no progress being made from that starting point. I need to drop this holier then thou image and see it for what it is. Just a backdrop to cover up what I have accepted and allowed myself to become, where I really am separating myself and refusing to identify points that are my own incarnation of evil. Not fearing the evil nature I have allowed to mature in me but embracing those points as opportunity being able to see myself fully and without judgement, and without desiring to push them away as if to say “stay away your not me”, when upon having a look it is apparent that really was me all along and I actually have to hold myself accountable. Yet without reaction to that accountability, like going “OHHHH shittt I did do that I feel soooo badddd”. No that is not going to work either. Common sense, practically notes that the best possible solution would be to approach this from a starting place of not judging myself for what I find there by any standard. No comparisons, no desires to shift the blame to someone else or some circumstance, that would only be continuing to be and accept myself as a creature of circumstance rather then realizing this process of becoming aware comes with taking responsibility of evils that I have allowed. A Responsibility to rebirth the self through uncompromising self honesty and practical application, in this learning to breathe through the points of when I just want to give up and points of uncertainty and direct myself to just come back to the practice of getting in touch with my own breathing, as self support to help myself not judge the moment I am in but to see it in clarity.

Thanks, I will continue with self forgiveness statements after work tomorrow and the follow up with the next portion of this blog post.

40. Facing Implications.

Today I am going to write about how within my sitting down to write I fear the actual process of writing. So within this point I notice that there is a fear of facing myself, of actually admitting to myself where I have allowed myself to become separate with my experience. And within that fear there is a manifestation that occurs with not wanting to see the points within me that are in separation with myself. I wrote about a point in which I am projecting myself into a future version of myself and how I would like myself to be. Within my current experience I can see how this is directly influencing my everyday experience as I am looking to move past all these point within me that are unresolved and not even stopping to acknowledge that they are there or even exist. All these points left unresolved have implications within my experience and I am fearing to see those implications and the consequence of such. What does this actually mean? Well, it would mean that I am totally not willing to face myself from the starting point of working with what is here, within my experience now. I fear what I have allowed and what that means, fearing the evil that I have allowed within my experience. Fearing evil essentially. Well that would implicate that within that I am actually in the process of creating more evil within myself in doing such. Which is quite ridiculous and funny when I look at it practically because the solution is simple. Apply myself to uncover all points without fearing what that says about me. Realizing that those points are from my past and that they only continue to be a point of evil if I let them remain unresolved and unaccounted for. So a point to remember within this is to not fear what this process will uncover and show me about myself but to embrace the evil that I allowed in such a way that proves to myself that I am not in fear of it. No longer accepting myself to view myself from a place of lesser value, strength, and power to my past memories and experiences. Bring the point of self direction to the present moment and place that into a point of will to see and walk myself as the whole self that I have created and move a step at a time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the implications of what I have done in the past to the point of believing myself to be evil in the present and not realizing and seeing how this fear and desire to skip over points without fully addressing them is actually manifesting myself as evil in the present.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire myself to be so far ahead of where I stand presently that I ignore and push away points that are undesirable to look at to such a degree that I don’t even realize that they are there at times and camouflage them behind more superficial points to keep my focus away from key points.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realizing how this particular system is directing me instead of me directing me in such a way that allowing me to be thorough and honest within my application. Wherein I want to rush through things to get to this self image I see of myself in which I realize that I am actually only showing myself that I am not OK with where I stand now. That I am scared and fearful of who I have allowed myself to be in the past and actually making myself equal and one with those past self definitions and memories.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this fear to rule my experience on present experiences, in which I am fearing a different outcome, by way of how I direct myself is from a place of previous habitual expression in which I have not ever been any other way then a projection of my fears and failures. Paralyzing myself into a continuous encore of past systems.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold evil in such a point of fear within myself that I inadvertently have made it a point of comfort within my experience. Holding on to that image of myself like holding on to a warm blanket, within that I have actually allowed this to manifest into the way that I conduct myself in daily experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize this as a point, when it is quite obvious as how I choose to direct myself from a placement point of acting in desperation to change, and seeing how I move within a point of just staying the same ways as always.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the concept of how the points of evil within myself implicate me to be evil when in fact it is the belief of and as that fear construct that actually is creating that evil within my expressions and actions.

And so when and as I see myself looking at myself from a starting point of viewing myself as being evil based out of fear of that concept of myself being evil I stop and breathe realizing that I am only giving weight and power to that system that is existing within me and allowing it to direct my applications with myself. I commit myself to direct myself in those moments to stopping the fear, forgiving it and walking through it with determination and persistence as to realize that operating from within that starting point is really only making this more difficult.

When and as I see myself fearing to look deeper into a point because I fear what it may implicate about me I stop and breathe and commit to uncovering what that point actually is and why I fear it. Realizing that the implication is there already, no matter what, and that in fighting or ignoring it I am only running away to hide in a corner of the same room within my mind.

I commit myself to bring myself back to the present moment within breathing and self honesty in those moments and directing myself to move through them and not allow myself to just go into a placement of whining to myself about how far I need to go still or that I will never get past my past. Stop those thoughts immediately when and as I see them trying to gain a foothold in the directive action of my applications and breathe.

 

39. Staying within resistance.

So I have had a real hard time actually directing myself in my writing tonight. I started another blog post but was finding that it was getting off topic of what I have been writing about and that it was fragmented in such that it was coming out as being a point of feeling sorry for myself on how I have been feeling. Within that I would like to write a short blog about how I have been basing my experiences within writing from a standpoint of how I am feeling, not practically directing my writing but rather letting them be a product of emotion. And what I have noticed about that is that when I do that I am faced with all sorts of resistance on what to write about. I notice now that this could be another point in which I look to jump around within my writing, when I am not directing myself with a point of commitment then I find resistance within the flow of my writing and with beginning the process of writing as well especially. Which within the context of the other blog post I started shows me that this is a point of example of what I am doing in sabotaging myself within my experience, placing all sorts of experiences above my process. Wanting or allowing these experiences to fulfill (supposedly) my day until I FEEL like I am ready to write, pushing back my writing or directive action in a “waiting for the right time” manner and not just sitting and writing myself out in a way in which is conducive to a point of continuity. And within that anything that I attempt to use as a point of delay suffers in expression in itself I have noticed. What I should be doing as a solution is actually directing myself to stop placing the importance on the activities that I am using as a point of delay, form a commitment with myself to just sit as I have said before and write within a scheduled time. Within that I see how I have stayed within resistance to not form that routine and relationship with myself in which I can count on myself and trust myself to do this in a organized manner in which I stay true to my word. Not allowing myself to fall into points of feelings about whether and when I want to write or not.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use emotion as a justification point of not committing myself to a time to sit and do my writing when I have so much time to put toward other things.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to choose to delay directing myself when there is obviously much to write about and much that requires attention to the point where I become irate and overwhelmed. Not realizing that setting myself up within a structure of routine and commitment is a solution to this problem.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use activities as a point of self manipulation in which I am attempting to coerce myself into feeling good about writing, when what is actually happening is that I am covering up a point of self commitment statement that I have previously made myself which is placing a negative experience point of blame and worry onto writing myself out in such a way that all activities are suffer as a result of not actually being a form of expression of self but a point of manipulation of self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stick by myself within a set timeline of when to do my writing and exploring when the best time would be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail at coming up with a actual plan. One in which put down all aspects of what I would like to do with my time and forming a realistic map on how to give some time to everything. Realizing that within that point I will form vision of where I want to apply myself and how to do that in a way that supports my own self trust and allows me to hold myself accountable, and actually forming a time to do everything that I need to, and would like to do.

I commit myself to forming a schedule in which is realistic to do everything that I would like to do within my days and weeks factoring in a time for writing every day in which is a reflection of discipline, self honesty and a realistic use of my time. And I commit myself explore and experiment in which way this will work for me and make notes of that so I can actually become more effective within my experience.

And so every time that I see myself looking to just push back my writing from a starting point of not wanting to or wanting to do something else when it is time to write and use emotional experiences as a guide rather then commitments that I have made with myself I stop, breathe, and remind myself of why I am walking this process in the first place which is to bring about a world that is best for all and supports all within point of equality, oneness, and self expression, in being to able enjoy oneself in activities without compromising the earth and all forms of life on it. Seeing and realizing that I must walk this for myself to see that happen and that I can wait until after my responsibilities to enjoy other activities.

38. Sitting in the present in hope for a standing future.

I watched a video by a Destonian today and it opened up a and related to a point within the context of the subject that I have been writing about the past couple days. The point being that within my habit of relying on others there lies a point of projection in which I am hoping myself to find my way within my process and not actually taking accountability for the present state of my process. This I can see relates very closely towards my relationship with my writing in which I have been viewing myself from a standing point of being less then others and of a projected idea of who I want to become. Within that there is a fear that I will never reach this idea or person that I want to become or persons that I want to emulate, viewing people/ideas/premises as something more than myself or so far off that it is unattainable. I really am only messing myself up because from that view the whole point of this process is lost in gibberish. Where I have made myself equal to the idea of being in a lesser position from which I have to climb out of, placing myself in a point of extreme resistance and difficulty to navigate and move out of that habit of thinking and judging. On another aspect I am skipping ahead to what I want to see myself as in the future and not accepting with gratitude the opportunity to become that as a natural process of walking day to day. Making it next to impossible to follow through with my writing and stay on and see through a singular point because I have always been projecting into a state of who I want to become in the future. Looking for shortcuts but actually taking a longer path with more prickle-bushes. So within this realization the solution would be to stop expecting so much myself to the point of where I can only HOPE for a image of myself in future. To stop chasing whats out there somewhere because I cannot stand the fear of whats in here. To breathe through and realize that I am here now and that is the reality point of focus in the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project a hope of future success with myself to the point where it causes me to jump ahead and react with doubt of myself within the present moment. I commit myself to breathe when I see myself pacing myself in a place of doubt when I am express myself in my writing.

I commit myself to see how I am really only reacting in a habitual way of viewing myself from a lesser standing point of a image of myself that I have projected into the future in fear and insecurity in comparison of how I view myself now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continuously take the view of myself from a place of inferiority and weakness in which I attempt to compensate by building up myself within my writings by attempting to “know it all”. And not seeing how that is plainly from a starting point of knowledge and information in which is separation from expressing myself in the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have this comparison structure system within myself in which I am comparing myself constantly with other beings within their processes with my own. In which I always end up beating myself up from a place of lesser ability.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not recognize and stop these reactions of emotion and feelings that I hold towards other being within Desteni from a starting point of comparison of their processes with my own in which things like envy, jealousy, distraught, admiration, idol-ism, attraction, superiority and others surface because of a point of self dishonesty is being allowed to continue within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to cover this up within a systematic habit of jumping my attention around and not remaining focused on the current task in which I am choosing to handle.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to maintain this point of comparison to manifest itself in such a way that I am attempting to prove to others and myself that I am doing something by covering a wide range of points instead of primarily handling one at a time. But at the same time I commit myself to remain flexible in which if I would like to switch from a topic to cover another that is within the present attention of my focus to not stop myself or force myself to continue but to cover that point and then return to the other point. Basically I commit to not jumping around needlessly to the point of confusing myself and my sense of direction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I will never get to where it is I want to be. Not seeing and committing to the current state of myself and process in which I need to actually take accountability for all points and that that is not something that can be shortchanged. I commit myself to see that this it is something that must be walked a day at a time and that no matter how much I want to be at the finish line to breathe stop my desire to be there and bring myself back to the present and apply myself there and then within my current understanding without fear or self judgement of that current understanding.

And I commit myself to have gratitude for this opportunity to learn about myself in this manner and treat myself from a place of enjoyment within my process in which it should be a point of fun seriousness to examine all the points of separation that I have allowed and identifying them and releasing my attachments to them. Making a point of this daily commitment as a personal activity to look forward to instead of dread.

37. Habit of acceptance of reliance.

So within the point I wrote about yesterday, I noticed a point in which I questioned why I have this persistence within relying on other beings to fulfill a point of self definition. I looked a little deeper to find that on some level this system really only functions as a reflex. In which I see it and understand the point of not relying on others for a sense of acceptance and purpose yet have been just accepting and allowing a preconditioned mechanism to run free. Kind of like when I write I just doubt myself and writing just as a habitual thing. Like while I’m writing and when I’m finished writing there has always been this point of running it through a “check” within myself to make sure that it is acceptable. But not from the starting point of being acceptable for what is best for all. But actually from a starting point of “is this going to be acceptable to friends? Family? The Desteni group?”. Not seeing the distinction of if it is acceptable to ME. Am I staying true to myself and my written words in such a way that I do not compromise them? From that point I can see that the majority of the time so far I have not because I constantly “check” the words as I am writing them and from within that they become a representation and manifestation of my own insecurities of self expression. Wherein the words are taking on a energy/life of their own, rather then a result of my own life expression. Not to say that I should not check my words to see if they are acceptable, but to check them with a understanding of sincerity to myself and the point of where I stand currently within my process. To understand that within those words there is a point of being able and willingness to adjust and be flexible with what they represent in terms of that I should be able to accept them to be that representation of the present moment and that it/they may change, often. The point being to be soft and allow words to flow without a point of hindrance of obligation to any one or more people or ideological premise held by someone other then self. To remain true to the premise of self expression within them and not compromise them to a idea of pleasing all parties, as to gain acceptance from all parties. That is simply foolish and impossible. The solution being to remain within breathe in current expression of myself without compromise or doubt.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to habitually fall on the point of allowing myself to check my words for acceptability within a premise of if my words will please others. Taking on a requirement of others opinions to validate them to myself and not seeing how they are from that standpoint not a true expression of who i am or where and what I stand for.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my words to be a point of habit in which there really is not solution to what I am trying to write about but only desires. In which I am only expressing self interest in which I am actually only expressing fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see this distinction for what it really is and hiding behind my words as a point of pride in which I convince myself that they are a expression when they really only are expressing uncertainties within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the value in this point in which I am rejecting it as something that I do or allow within myself in which I then create a point of fear based out of this system in which I am in fear of doubt. Like I am in fear of the doubt so I attempt to run from even seeing it as being there.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself in a position of fearing doubt in which I paralyzing myself from actually doing something about it and walking through it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself not clear myself from the beginning of my process of writing and actually write from within a precondition state of habit in which I am placing the focus of acceptance from others above my acceptance of myself. Missing the point entirely of what self expression is supposed to represent. Which is unfettered by outside influence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bypass the solution of just trusting myself to say and express from within my own current state and understand of my process and be OK with any points that need further correction in which I have been afraid of the premise of failure and in doing so only really fail myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to be hard on myself and not allowing myself to make mistakes, and stand in a understanding of committing to making mistakes and from there realizing that those mistakes are actually gifts of opportunity to learn about myself in a practical and dynamic way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beat up on myself for this idea that I will never move past this point in which I am just sabotage myself every time as I have given up before I even begin.

So as a point of realization of this system I commit myself to breathe when I see myself wanting to judge my words from a place of being acceptable to others in attachment of a sense of well being or feeling of acceptance by others as a primary motivation. Or rather a motivation at all committing to myself to make my words a point of self integrity in which I am my words in my own acceptance of them whether they are accepted by others or not and to see the practical point of being able to hold myself accountable within them afterwards in which I can either choose to respond in multiple ways, meaning that I can stand by them if I see them to be a real representation of oneness and equality and what is best for all. OR to be able to accept them as a point of transcendence and realization to made within self if corrections are needed. I commit myself to breathe in those moments and be soft in my response in which I am willing to be and see things from all sides and points of view. I commit myself to not become rigid in those moment and stand in a place of fear or stubbornness about my position.

I commit myself to see the point of take things in stride and that to get from point a to b it is a process of steps to be taken and that I will need to breathe with each one of those steps. I stop and breathe when I notice myself reacting in a state of fear about the impact of my written and vocal expression and realize that I am looking to remain in a place of ego in those moments in which I am just looking to gain acceptance for myself.

I commit myself to see and act on the solution to this system which is to write without a filter of who may accept my words and how will I gain acceptance from others for myself through what I write. Committing to the words within my understanding in that moment without compromise.

And I commit myself to breathe through those points of habit when this doubt of if my words are for myself comes up from a place of ritual, and see it for what it is which is a system that is just looking to compromise my self expression for it own survival.

36. Breaking it down to base level.

So picking up where I left off, within this point of self definition within a point of reliance I have noticed that it all boils down to this fear of death. This fear of death is manifesting into this reliance point in such a way that goes something like this. I am afraid to die alone, without self direction or definition, solace of self, or unresolved points. Sooo I actually fight this point in seeking this energetic reaction of desiring others approval to make it seem to myself that I know what the fuck I’m talking about. That I gather all these points of “cool stuff” to build a gratification structure around this point of fear. Not stopping long enough to realize that this is just ridiculous as I’m only paralyzing myself within this point of fear and replaying this same experience over and over. Where I have a point of expression that can be put out there and I am second guessing it every time, BECAUSE it is starting in place where I am seeking approval. And in that seeking it manifests as uncertainty within myself expressing it. A time loop. Haha. Like it’s fucked from the start, in where it doesn’t matter what I’m writing it still a point of not actually committing to what writing. Scared to be wrong. Not just seeing this point of where if I am wrong or another being puts forth a point of correction the that is ok, and to just accept that this is going to happen many many many times more. The only difference is in how I can relate myself to these points of correction. Or even a point of where I can expand on another beings expression in that time. Basically a self trust issue where it manifests into a resistance to take any action. So the solution would be to just go ahead and write myself in the moment regardless of where I am. Something will happen. Or not. Just write it to where I understand myself to stand within myself at this time, for myself and not care if something, or someone say’s “waaaaittt a moment” because in that happening I am actually being granted a point of self honesty and opportunity to REALLY see where I stand. Which is the whole key to self direction. Be directive with myself, don’t fear the result, if the result is corrections required, correct them and mooove on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue holding this point of self reliance within the opinions of others and the view that other may or may not regard me with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my own fear to place my within this state of paralysis where I have a point system within myself in which I keep track of “where I must be” within the desteni group based on how much I express.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my expression to be based out of a starting point of fear of rejection so I boost it up with “cool sounding stuff” and lose the point of just writing myself out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be straight up with myself in which I just express as myself in that moment where I don’t need to think about how it will received or doctor the words or add words to make it acceptable. At same time realize where I am in my understanding and to express from there knowing that if something within it needs to be corrected then to correct it or that it will be mentioned at some point or another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that something must be wrong with my expression because it is not getting a reaction from people within desteni, whether “good or bad” and realizing that I am still wanting to play within this polarity realm. Attaching my actions and expressions to these points of polarity and using them for justifications to have my own reactions. Basically just pulling shit out of the air and saying it’s someone else’s fault that I am choosing to whine to myself about it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if the end all to be all within myself is the acceptance of those within the desteni group and not seeing how this is detracting from a real relationship with myself and which places a barrier in front of really being able to form relationships to others within the group/life in any meaningful way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel this point of pride about “getting” a point. Wherein not seeing that pride is actually somewhat of a point of self deception within myself where I tend to use it as a placement of saying “ok, you did something right, so you can take a break” and not seeing how that is just fucked up in that I actually didn’t learn anything, just knowledge and information. And not coming to a point of understanding that within changing there is only change, no reaction. It would just be normal and not a point of celebration.

And so within these points of realization so far I would like to commit myself to really view myself from a point self honestly check myself when I am choosing to express myself to make sure that within the choice to express that choice is of myself and not for myself in which I look for or cling on to hopes of acceptance no matter how small. I commit myself to just put myself out there and realize that yeah I will goof up but really that most likely just my part of my style so might as well accept it and embrace that aspect of my self expression as it stands now.

I commit myself to breathe when and as I see myself wanting to just pull information out of my mind to add force to the manifestation that I have allowed to build on itself by placing these roadblocks of inadequacy of self image and expression. And I commit myself to check myself in those moments for points of where if I am desiring a certain outcome within the experience that I am in and applying forgiveness for them in that moment of breathe.

I commit myself to really understand how the process of self forgiveness works within the application of breathing as to be able to be sure for myself that I am effective within my commitments and application of self forgiveness.

More tomorrow.