23. Sleepless night.

This is a writing from a few nights ago during a camping trip.

So I’ve been awake for about 29 hours now. I’m sitting in a coffee shop patio in Kewlona B.C. I was under the impression that 3 friends and I where driving out here to go camping. Instead I was told that we would be spending the night a friend of friends place. OK. No problem, at the time. But as we arrived and the evening ensued started to realize that this was a gathering of drinking. I was the only sober person therein a group of 10. I was encountering lots of resistance within my expression and standing within my understanding. I could recognize many in the group were at different points within their process of self discovery. Despite seeing the extent of their systems I was also made more aware of my own. As time progressed into the evening I relaxed more within myself and the group. Although I did not seem to recognize all of the points in which my expression could be of value, I did speak when it seem a time to choose to, and did not try and force my way into the conversation judgement. As the night moved forward and my current group of beings chose to drink more and imbibe in more drugs, many aspects of their expressions morphed from one of merriment to melancholy, then anger and confrontation. One individual who was particularly vocal in his disposition was clearly unnerving some of the others and even myself at times. After a few more hours of this I was growing extremely weary of this particular experience and gave up trying to stay up anymore. It was decided that I could sleep on the couch, so after assisting assisting to blow up a air mattress for two of my travel buddies, I unrolled my sleeping bag and lay on the couch. Yet the evening spilled over into the early morning in which before mention being became increasingly inebriated, loud, belligerent and unstable within his expression. Seesawing between disbelief at the others lack of interest in him and spiteful fury at everyone for said lack. Many times lying on the couch listening, I had the urge to get up and give my input. Yet I had seen over the course of the evening others had withing the group had attempted to express their specific opinion on how or what he could or should do to improve himself. At this time I was the only person in the room other then the being he was conversing with and I was hearing all of views of was the beings actual intentions and systems where saying. Not only what he was saying within the context of the larger group and specifically when females where around. I was vaguely annoyed at not being able to fall asleep yet as I lay there listening I was intrigued and fascinated by how that no matter how separate a being is expressing itself the true state of that being can somewhat be seen and dis-ciphered through all the systems. In this cause is was clear this being was suffering and deep within self loathing but unable to accept help or support of any kind. The expression being one of toughness, vindication, and self interest. After a few more altercations with some of the other beings at the house there was a conflict with the potential of physical violence. I recognized a point of nervous fear within myself as with most of my encounters with violence. I was ready to take a course of action if need be, but nothing come of the heated words and the being eventually left in anger and insults trailing behind him. Yet even after him leaving people were still awake talking and arguing about what had just taken place and other events over the course of the night. The sun was up, the birds where loudly singing, and the cars where passing by on the road outside. At this point I just gave up on sleeping and just got up and walked out of the house and down the street into downtown Kewlona until I found this coffee shop.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assume a future experience. Projecting a ideal plan of desire in what I would like to happen.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel disappointment when this particular experience did not happen.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel nervous and awkward towards meeting new people and going new places.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel alone and somewhat separate among other beings in spite of being the only one sober.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if their actions actually separated them from me not realizing that it was I who was seeing them as separate.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take the time to get to know all the people before I judge them based on their choices.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear making a connection with people despite their actions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to segment off people as being not my type of person to associate with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be shy and not fully bold within my expression and self definitions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be a fully expressive being in which I would speak up for all in all situations.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have confidence within my expression enough to just say what I should say in context of equality and oneness, hiding behind excuses and judgments such as they are not ready or they will not change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for thinking that I have not done anything to assist and support the other being. Withing this context me not saying anything or acknowledging could be a form of expression itself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become annoyed with the situation in which I was seeing it from a starting point of loss of sleep and not from a point of being in a position to learn something about others and about myself and my own systems.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear violence. Not realizing that only as a point of what is best for all involved’s safety is when intervention is required. And that fearing the prospect is of imagination and fear of death.

When and as I see myself wanting to blame others for the particular experience that I am having, in which I am not experiencing the idealistic scenario that I would like to be having, in which I am feeling uncomfortable because something in the situation is not perfect or in the “correct” picture of how I want things to be, I stop and breathe.

I commit myself to further look and understand where and why I should be expressing myself in such a manner as to which I would be able to communicate what is best for all to everyone.

I commit myself to be bold within myself not having a emotional reaction towards opening up to new people or situations.

I commit myself to make my intentions and choices well known to all parties, for example me telling the others that I am going bed. And doing so in a manner in which I would be making the choice for myself.

I commit myself to stop separating from people based on the current situation within their process.

I commit myself to see the others point of view in such a way that allows me to see things from a perspective outside of mine and take heed to the points that come up within these perspectives within myself.

I commit myself to stop making up inner dialogue which is telling me anyone person is beyond self honesty or self direction. And to realize that in those moments of wanting to brush of the other being it is likely that they are requiring support from another being. Me for example.

I commit myself to realize that other beings are only behaving in this manner as a point of misconception of self definition and are only requiring support.

I commit myself to not be afraid to provide support when it is needed, thinking that they will not respond well or become angry with me.

I commit myself to not fear anger or rejection from others and realize that my expression must be true for myself and that side stepping this will only bring about more problem points for myself later on.


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