So I would like to keep blogging about my relationship within the opposite sex, how this relates to my actions, decisions, and expression within my experience. Moving over various points as they come up in the next few posts, progressing from where I left of with the last post about image.
Typically when I am out in society I notice that I have had a seemingly straightforward dynamic within my relationship with women. I will seemingly automatically break down the interaction into a equation of what is the odds of, or the ratio of the interaction in ending up within a relationship, or hook up rather. As I have noticed recently that this is only really happening in the context in which I am seeking sex out of the interaction.
When I look at the image of the female usually it is from a starting point of “is she attractive to me”, which is a dynamic that ranges. From this starting point there is a few reactions that play themselves out within how I express myself from that point forward. If yes then generally I will be flooded with nervousness and shyness. Sometimes not so much, I have noticed that to the degree that my mind breaks down the attraction into sub categories such as the level of attractiveness, “my taste” or compatibility of the woman in conjuncture of myself is to the degree in which I have emotional reaction. Like a hierarchical platform. Wherein I have noticed that I have a extremely hard time just staying stable within myself when I notice woman noticing my image. I have tended to close up and make excuses not to interact in anyway.
Recently I have made progress in being more stable and open with these experiences, not looking within a script to dictate interactions, and rather maintaining my breathe and expression. Although I realize that this system still runs prominently within me. A nervousness with what to say always is lurking there. I am realizing that it is really funny to see my relationships with women fluctuate when I am trying to control the situation rather then let it happen naturally without any sort of implication from my system. Just being there and expressing without a sense of desire is actually allowing me to build actual real relationships with other beings.
While I am making progress within this system I notice that it will take time and practice to stay clear and I will have to expose myself to situations that I would not normally put myself in.
I will tie in some recent experiences within this context into the next post.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my mind form automatic systems of equations within my relationship to women based in a starting point of image and compatibility.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place importance on attraction of appearance to my emotional reactions and expression of self to my interactions with women.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let myself reaction in nervousness and shyness in response to the prospect of interacting to a women within a starting point of physical attraction.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall back on this point continuously and not staying true to my expression and self direction.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to maintain a belief system that I am unstable when faced with the point of interacting, rather then just naturally expressing and seeing the other being as equal and one with myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place sex as a point of desire within myself to the point of letting it control my self expression and action.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that this system holds ultimate power over me and not realize that this belief is not able to be change and thus manifests as a reality within my experience.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall back and continue these method when interacting, instead of maintaining stability within my expression.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change my expression towards different beings, actually tailoring myself as a mask toward beings as how I think that I would have the most success in winning over that particular being.
When and as I see myself wanting to change myself to impress or alter myself towards a certain being in the context of which I am looking for a response in which I am trying to get them to find me attractive or want to initiate sex, I stop and breathe.
When and as I see myself moving away from the natural course of interaction with another being in such a way that is denoting deviance from equality and oneness with the other being I stop and breathe.
I commit myself to maintain a expression of stability and equality with the other being in which I am not looking for anything from them from a point of desire.
I commit myself to always speak from a place of self expression no matter what the result may be.
I commit myself to realize that in doing such I may have some beings that will outright reject me and my expression.
I commit myself to not fear this rejection and realize that this is most likely the common result of expression of equality in society at present.
I commit myself to break down and explore this belief that there is a hierarchical platform of attraction within my experience and that there is a form of taste within who and who not that I interact with.
I commit myself to see that all are equal and one with myself and how I am limiting myself by creating a image based class system within my mind.