In this post I would like to highlight a point in which sex has played a major role in my decision making and my underlying motivations and priority. From what I can tell many if not all of my discernible actions and decisions have been only for the reason of securing a sexual validation of some sort. Yet within this point I have not been forthcoming with all of the points required to have or understand expression within a sexual standpoint. For instance, it has been of my attention that when I am talking with a female there is prominent undertone in which I am seeking a point of gratification in terms of being a point of desire or a point of lust within the eyes of the other being. This repeatedly has the outcome of manifesting dissonance within the interaction and my expression, continuously sabotaging the relationship and creating a distance or gap within any further interaction. I realize that this is a point of separation that I have repeatedly allowed to come forth from a point of self interest in which I am seeking sex. This is made apparent by the fact that almost every instance that I have had concerning a female has resulted in this experience in which there is some sort of distance created almost instantly and any sort of lasting real relationship or friendship is sabotaged. Now within that point I also recognize that there is a certain point in which the other being is experiencing similar desire patterns. And while I recognize this I understand that I cannot pass the responsibility onto the other being. I am allowing myself to continue on this desire expression path and continuously inviting the same response and experience every time, simply by looking for more then what is there, and repeating old patterns in response to a mild interest in my direction. I need to be willing to just be OK with myself as myself only and not concern myself with a point of seeking sex. This while not being the point of focus is something that will take place in a natural fashion with and in context of agreement, time and trust with another being. Not something that needs to be secured or captured within another being. Also to be a point of self expression I need to realize that it is something that must be worked out with myself first before looking towards opening up further points with the context of relationship or agreement with another. This will take time I realize and I must be able to deal with that in the meantime and not let a constant yearning sabotage all of my relationships with women. Particularly with women where attraction in prominent or compatibility is coming to the forefront. I notice where attraction or compatibility are not a factor, the interactions and my expression are much more straightforward and easy to manage. Now within this understanding so far I would like to move into a exploring how I arrived at this experience within my next blog.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let desire for sex influence me within my expression and within my experience conversing with females. To place a all pervasive importance on obtaining sexual access in which in influences most of my interactions with beings of the opposite sex.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the moment that I am experiencing by projecting a particular goal or desired outcome within my relationships with other beings.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place precedence on particular being based within a point of sexual attraction and compatibility.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not giving myself trust enough to explore myself expression honestly enough to understand what sexual expression really is and means to self.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have patience within this process and allowing myself to realize that time is require to be put into understanding sexual expression. And while another is required to fully experience this expression of two beings walking and expressing together, I myself first must look to understand and grow within my own sense of sexual expression.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place need in another being viewing me with a sense of longing or lust.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create belief systems in which I am continuously repeating the same scenario within any female that is within a category in which I deem as attractive to me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold belief and weight within the concept of attraction, not realizing that this is coming from a point of self interested mind system within my ego.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not let myself look past a point of sexual desire and be OK with forming real relationships, friendships, and expressions with other beings from a starting point of equality and oneness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create some kind of difference between two beings based out of physical image and appearance.
When and as I see myself looking to express to another being from a starting point of sexual desire or underlying lust for sex or relationship, I realize that I am acting in separation with the being and myself and stop and breathe.
When and as I see myself looking for reasons to progress the interaction to “the next level” based out of wanting to push things faster then what is here now, I stop and breathe.
When and as I see myself view other beings as being within as certain class of appearance and compatibility to myself, I stop and breathe.
When and as I see myself allowing myself to become shy or nervous within the presence of particular beings of whom my mind deems attractive, I stop and breathe and realize that they are one and equal with me and all other beings and are required to be expressed to from the starting point no more no less.
I commit myself to view all beings as one and equal with myself and each other and not to use appearance as a excuse to provide special attention to any one group of beings or females as something deserving more.
I commit myself to seeing that my expression of sexuality is something that I must learn to start understanding on my own first before trying to express with another being. And realizing that otherwise it will manifest into a point of self interest.
I commit myself to stop viewing all of my interactions with females as a potentiality of obtaining sex and gratification.
I commit myself to despite seeing other beings interest and attraction towards not to allow myself to fall back into a point of long within myself and manifest separation as a result.
I commit myself to realize that these changes will take time and practice and that I will most likely fall within a point of not seeing myself partake in this system, yet I commit to being aware of what my motivations are underlying my interactions with others.