26. Envy and despair in my observation.

So continuing, I would like to take a look at where I a developing these points of desire within my experience. What I have noticed about myself is that when I am in society and I observe around me I have had a almost unnoticeable tendency to gravitate my attention towards women. Hardly to men. Since noticing this I make a effort to observe the reality with a more indiscriminate fashion. Just observing what is around me. Although since doing some of the writing over the past few days a few points have made themselves apparent. For one I recognize that when I am observing a women who is in a couple I have some envy that comes up. Like this need or wanting to be in a coupling of my own with that woman almost, on some level. Perhaps it is something of a superiority point of thinking that he is not worthy of her. Jealousy and envy of the fact that I am on my own. This then gives way to a sense of despair like “what am I doing alone? you should be together with someone.” I can see that I am totally mind fucking myself in the aspect that I am not allowing for myself to even attempt to develop a normal meaningful relationship with anyone because I am really always looking for something out of it. I give up on my relationship with myself because I am defining myself from the starting point of being less then a couple. That I am alone that I am unable to be happy within my expression and that I missing out on a point of satisfaction. While I realize now that there are specific points that are required to be address within the context of being in relationship with another I am constantly placing a utmost importance on those points instead of the points that can and need to be addressed alone first. Always wanting or desiring to skip over them and jump ahead to the points of relationship with another. Not stopping to realize that this in itself is preventing me from ever reaching a solid foundational understanding of myself to be able to address the points of relationship with another from a place of common sense or place beyond simple lust and desire. Only seeing it as a point of where I am lacking definition within self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take the time to look at myself in such a way that I see where I am separating myself from other beings in the context of seeing them as more then myself because they are a couple.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that another being would be better if they were with me instead of with the other male. Not realizing that in the statement I am actually judging the other male and place myself in a place of less value by way of competition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to influence my expression in such a way as to make myself appear more attractive to the female within a coupling under the pretext that I am believing that I am a superior choice as a mate.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to permit these points to exist within me while not even questioning them and seeing them come forth at every interaction that I have with couples.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself in accordance with the relationships that couples have and view myself in disregard in terms of how I relate my own self worth and image.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have self care when out in society from the context of constantly looking for a point of gratification from others being not being OK within my own expression and how I relate to my own expression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself in terms of what I am looking to do within my process and constantly looking to push away my self from my process by way of desiring a distraction point within another being rather then a point of just observing a dealing with myself presently.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to misunderstand or ignore the real point of being in a relationship in which the point is to explore and define points that otherwise cannot be brought forth alone. Not a point of self definition in which I am looking for completion within another being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into a point of self despair in which when I view myself as being less then other beings or couples a begin to associate my self worth in accordance with that point and actually start berating myself for all the reasons why I am not and should be in a relationship. Not realizing that these reasons are for the most part completely based out of self interest and not with a starting point of self understanding.

When and as I see myself looking at couples or another being in general and viewing them with pre-existing point of jealousy, envy, desire, I see that I am looking to project myself as a point of greater or lesser value within my own self definition and I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself wanting a relationship for reasons that are clearly based out of a place of self interest, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself going from a point of desire to a point of despair from believing that I will never experience a meaningful relationship I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself viewing other beings within relationships as being untrue to themselves and believing that I would be a much better option for the female to be able to find herself, and not seeing the the self deception within that statement and starting point, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself believing that I am unable to be a normal person or within normality without being in a relationship I stop and breathe.

I commit myself to be stable within my self definition to the point in which I stop viewing other beings as a point of self comparison and competition. Wherein I am constantly sizing up other beings and there relationships within the context of my own knowledge and information base. To be able to clear any points that come forth from a place of desire as to not allowing myself to further self sabotage my own process.

I commit myself to realize and live the fact that I must let go of this point of WANTING someone to define myself to. That my points of separation are my own and I am the only one that will be able to deal with them, that any desire to share them within the context of wanting another being to console me or take the load from myself is in fact a point of reliance and energetic vampirism.

I commit myself to learning to trust myself and my process in which I am patient and focused on the points of self that I need to address and not attempt to sidestep and avoid them. To stop doubting myself within what I am doing and defining my experience as one that is not HAPPY because I am not currently sharing it with another being.

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