27. The push, pop, and roll.

So discontinuing with the stream of posts that I was moving with which I will touch on again later if when further points come up, I would like to open up another major point within my experience. One that I have not gotten into at much so far within my process, but has played a large role in my life so far. My relationship and expression within skateboarding.

I recently have had very mixed perspective about skating, it has been something that I have defined myself greatly by in the past and felt much pride in. Yet I hold much frustration and anger towards it and myself at times. Now I have been skating for some 15 years and have some amount of skill in it yet throughout all of it I don’t think I have ever actually skateboarded as a true expression of myself. At least not for a continuous period of time. Coming back to my recent experiences within skating, skateboarding being a activity requiring quite a high level of focus placed into short spans of time and the plenty of time in between tricks to fall back into the mind. So what I have been attempting to do within my experience on the board is stay within the breath, although this has proved extremely hard as there is many factors pulling for my attention all at once. There are many points in which to write about but I occurs to me that the best place to start would be with the desire for progression. This desire to get better within myself as a motivation to push my limits. Within the last few years I have come to realize that my skill has remained virtually unchanged. I went through a period of rapid progression when I was younger but then was pulled down from a pinnacle point within my experience, by injury. It occurs to me that some of the point of skating these days has lost purpose or remains in confusion to me. Why can’t I just have fun with it? Why do I have this need to progress within it? Why am I continuing to push without accounting for the risk of injury or addressing the limitations from previous injury? Why am I even skating still when there is much else to be done? Skating I can recognize is another addiction point within myself, wherein I am seeking some gratification for myself by landing tricks. Learning new ones, working on current ones, and regaining lost ones. I realize that I am only really tricking myself seeking something that can not be sustained within the current context. That my experience will not be consistent within skateboarding as I am not consistent with myself. Steps must be taken and commitments walked before it can become a expression of myself. I realize that within my experience so far all I have ever done is chase after feelings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire myself to be a great skater. Not realizing that his desire is actually pointing to a point of insecurity within myself in which I am attempting to fill with the feelings provided when landing tricks.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my sense of self as being a skater. Not realizing that it is something that I do and not something that I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate and establish skating as a point of self measurement and self worth, and not seeing that all along I have been measuring that within a point of where the rest of the industry is at. Actually really only in a state of comparison to others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use skateboarding as a point of escape and running away from responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use skating as a point of superiority to non skaters from the context that I am in someway special because I am able to do all these tricks and that I am able to endure great amounts of pain to learn said tricks. Not realizing that this is just in fact quite stupid.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to preoccupy my time with an importance within skateboarding that supersedes much of my ability to focus on more productive things.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my current state of skill within skating as something that is defined by a previous point of skill level within my experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not seeing that within my own self judgement about skill and progression I am in fact building a point of self sabotage.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold a great importance within myself to become a known skater who is recognized for my ability and style. Not stopping to realize that in this desire I am losing my expression within skating and the entire point of skating is lost.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to actually entertain the idea of becoming a pro skater from deconstructing my mind, actually taking the focus away from my process and hijacking it to utilize for purposes of self interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be in a state of chasing an adrenaline high.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stop breathing while performing tricks going into belief systems in micro second before an attempt in which I self sabotage by way of being in the mind and not in the moment breathing.

When and as I see myself taking myself out of the moment into a state of flux between euphoria, anger and depression at the state of my experience skating, I stop skating an breathe before I start again.

When and as I see myself chasing after a specific point of gratification within skating in which I am attempting to win at it by becoming better then a preset limit/threshold that I am viewing myself from, I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself losing the point of skating which is simple enjoyment and is rather becoming more of a task to be conquered or completed I stop and breathe.

When and as I see myself looking at others and comparing my ability to them and judging myself in a negative or positive disposition I stop and breathe.

I commit myself to participate within skating from a starting point of enjoyment, to be soft within my approach and yet being expansive within my expression within it, not to push myself to get better yet allow myself to direct myself in a manner of enjoyment.

I commit myself to stop the patterns of desire within this system within which I am looking to make tricks to fulfill my own ego and sense of self worth.

I commit myself to see where I am having reactions of anger and disappointment with myself in relation of not living up to my own expectation of myself within skating.

I commit myself to stop the comparison within the industry and judgement of other skateboarders as being better or worse and realize that this is only tricks of the system to separate this portion of society among ourselves and create competition and greed.

I commit myself to listen closely to my body and what it is telling me about where to go within skateboarding and what steps to take to make sure injury is minimized.

I commit myself to set limits within the time that which I am giving towards skating in such a way that it is not taking over my days and focus away from my process which should be my main focus right now.

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