30. Unwillingness to see the HOLE me.

I would like to write some forgiveness on some points in which I am actually placing up some limits within my process in which I am limiting or justifying where and how I will approach my experience on a daily basis. What I have found is that at this point I have not been fully honest with myself in the respect in which I conduct my daily process and despite becoming more aware and directive, this is only to a certain extent and willingness. In some area’s I continue to not take it seriously. Mainly in the area’s of dedication of my time to my process and others in the area of entertainment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remain in a state of non committed expression in which I am not dedicating myself a specific time or setting a specific schedule with myself to address and partake in aspects of my process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not recognize that from within that point I am only making excuses as to why I am confused within myself concerning the next steps to take, not seeing for myself that this point is only a point of lack of self directive action.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself place a greater importance in my own entertainment in which I am only distracting myself from having to really sit and face myself. Instead placing many points of action or interest in front of me as to delay my process until I “feel like it” or “think of something to write” and not seeing the point of just writing as a expression of my process to myself and not for the sake of having to get it done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see and realize that points of creation that I am using to distract my attention away from the point of writing my daily blog are actually not a expression of myself as they are in the context of ulterior motives of use as a distraction or deflection point. “I feel like painting so I will write later.. tomorrow.. etc.”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not set limits on my media consumption in which I will become so enthralled and addicted to a story that I will use my time in a unbalanced fashion, like watching a TV series from start to finish.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become emotionally invested within these stories as to actually make up points of personification within them from the perspective that I am a certain kind of person or that I am required to take some certain action within my life to make my experience like those in the story.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that immersion within and as these forms of entertainment is a attempt to escape from myself and in fact places me in a hole in which my options are limited and not seeing that all my activities that I am using to escape are really only a shovel in my hand making the whole deeper and wider. And while making the hole one with more room and depth I am still in a hole.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not actually take the time to research and come to a place of understanding with my forms of activity and entertainment as to take them into a realm of self expression in which they are contributing to what is best for myself as what is best for all life. For example, painting as a point of expression within the context of the message of equality and oneness. Or Skating as a point of expression as a act of enjoyment rather then a self competition which extrapolates into a underlying competition with other skaters.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself in a pit of shame, guilt and self pity about these point od distraction and procrastinating behavior to the point in which it only snowballs and creates a habitual effect within my process. Not seeing that it only becomes an excuse to continue excusing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never really give myself a chance to change in the respect of creating and remaining fully committed to this process yet by creating and expression from a stable platform in which I choose when and how to use the tools that have been given to me.

When and as I see myself looking to push back a point of self direction and commitment to self in which I see myself wanting to use a point of interest of entertainment as a escape route, I stop and breathe and realize that I am at a transcendence point and that I am really only looking to feed a habitual mind system of procrastination and deflection.

I commit myself to set realistic limits on my time and explore commit points that are in fact self honest and directive in which I am directly supporting myself in what I choose to do. Placing priority in self honest expressive action first and entertain as a realization that it is just a point of entertainment and enjoyment and should not be allowed to be a point of addition that is replacing other points of addiction from the past.

I am going to Toronto for the next few days and will not have internet access most likely yet will keep writing and update my blog when I return.

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