31. Old age, death, expression, and taxes.

I spent the weekend in Toronto visiting my grandparents. My Grandfather on my father’s side has recently became ill with a lung infection. He was not expected to live past the last two weeks in which he has pushed on. My experience being out there with them over the weekend has made several points apparent for me. I noticed that while I was there there was a feeling of great nostalgia present in which I was wandering around the house and images were replaying themselves in my mind in which I recalled memories of great enjoyment from my childhood. I had not been back to the house of my grandparents in many years since living on the west coast has limited my ability to visit in my older years. I noticed that I was feeling guilty for my lack of attendance in my grandparents lives. On another point I was impressed by my Grandfathers ability to cognitively retain so much for a man that was allegedly on his deathbed. He was telling me jokes and all sorts of information and stories from his past and recent experience. Extremely sharp in his recollection and information retention. I felt pride at having such a intellectually sharp man as my Grandfather, in some sense believing the genes to be part of my own and reveling in the prospect of similar experience within my own mind’s capabilities. I spent a great deal of the time their listening to my Grandmother with my Sister, she was telling us many points from her life story. About where she came from, our lineage, and the interactions of all peoples from within her past and present. While the stories where without a strict sense of linear chronology, one point that I noticed was consistent from within both the stories of both of my Grandparents was that the emphasis on money. The particular detail of the specific amounts of money where primal in importance to the tales they would tell. How much this cost and how much pension they would and are receiving. I noticed that there was a certain importance in their points of expression in which they were not really concerned with my experience, not really asking anything beyond the point of if I had a job and if I was making money. I realize quite early into the trip expressing myself in the direction of talking about Desteni’s message or an equal money system was well beyond a point in which they would be able to integrate into their conceptualization at this point in their lives. Much of the time was spent listening and hearing in patience, something in which I hold no regret, noticing that from within this particular interaction there was no need or point to any expression of the message. This was a time to hear and learn. From within that realization I learned that it is quite unfortunate that people have been and will continue to live their entire lives with a paradigm of seeing life from a point of fiscal servitude, in which all aspects and ratios of a semblance of what life is to them is only in comparisons of money and its facets. Rather then the truth in which it is the other way around in which life should define the aspect in which money is created and used. I was hearing a lifetime of stories based on and filled with examples of limited experience all at the expense of the shortfalls of our current economic model. This reinforced a sense of importance within myself with the potential that a equal money system could have within the basic standard of how people would experience their lives within a equal money system where the importance of money would change and eventually shift society into a deeper and more profound vision of itself. Focus shifting away from points of fear of survival and competition and building upon virtues such as compassion with your fellow human beings and cooperation to build communities that are of the benefit of all within it and beyond with a understanding that all on the planet are doing the same. I also recognized points of fear within myself at points within my time there in which my Grandparents would talk about inheritance and I would think how such inheritance could benefit my experience. Realizing for and from within myself how the system still infects my own points of survival mentality based around these familial ties of lineage and family downgression. From another point of view I could see how my Grandfather while still remaining charismatic, joking and jesting at his own and others expense, would still from time to time express in such a fashion from a place of uncertainty about his approaching death and I could pick up a fearful undertone through the reassurances that he spoke to himself. This brought forth a point of inquiry from within my own experience so far. One in which I have been squandering much of my life in such a way that is undeserved to be called living. Many questions came through about my own life from this point of observation. This was the first time I have had to face death from a person from within my own immediate family and it has given me a little more perspective in which to conduct myself and my expression as I saw how life is can be frail, and that no matter what age I cannot see where that line may end, highlighting the importance to grasp it for the moment and the breath that I am experiencing in that moment. I can see these points yet I know there will be much more to uncover in the moments to come yet there is a greater understanding of the motive to remain committed and consistent from within my process, not only for myself but for all and all that will come after.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the situation in which I would be visiting my Grandparents from a starting point of belief in which I could somehow help them get through this by way of telling them about Desteni and it’s message. Not realizing that for some beings this is just not a plausible scenario as it is simply not compatible within their current life experiences, and that I was placing a point of personal investment in the procurement of the message.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view this experience with a point of feeling sadness or a sense of pity for my Grandparents for the situation that they are going through. Not seeing how these feelings are in fact a point of self interest within myself based in the realm of living a sense of loss in which I was feeling guilty for not being a larger part of their experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view the stories in which I was told from a place of judgement in which I held them in a place of regret and hopefulness of what they might/could be/have been in EMS. Not taking them fully from a place of simply hearing the expression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow memories from the past to make a point of attachment and loss come forth into my current experience. Not seeing how this would effectively block me from directing my expression in the moment and actually influenced how I conducted myself in the interactions with my Grandparents.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for placing a point of attachment and self interest from within a place of seeing a desirable trait within my Grandfather and hoping for a similar outcome for myself or currently gratifying myself with that trait.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to set limits on the way that I conduct myself and my expression from a point of setting a belief in place in which I judge any person from within a place of not being able to conceptualize equality and oneness. In fact limiting myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view the lives and experiences of others as unfortunate, not realizing that I am standing and judging others from a place of superiority in which I am viewing myself as knowing more or being in a place of higher knowledge of solution.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself in which I am not trusting myself to be doing the “correct” thing or taking the “correct” course of action by not expressing in those moments. Not realizing that a desire to express is likely a point of reliance on others to see my view which is based out of knowledge and information and not a point of true expression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold myself in a place of fear and self interest in which I was desiring or fantasizing about inheritance or what I could achieve with inheritance. Not seeing in those moments the point of separation from the current moment in which I was allowing myself to become equal with my greed as fear as worry of my state in the future.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold family in such a expectation as to provide me with security and not realize that it is for myself to provide this experience of life and direction through my own sense of self realization and not rely on any points of family support from a place of expectation. Meaning not looking to receive from family based in the premise that I deserve it because they are family.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to squander my life experience in such a way that means that I am not living, by way of not actively expressing myself as one and equal to life. Not realizing that while I have not always known about how this works that at a certain point of becoming aware I did not stop ignoring my own separations and put into action that awareness, effectively squandering my life from that point until now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place a point of guilt within a feeling of squandering my past. And committing myself to see that within a point of past judgement of self there can come a point of self limitation that needs to be addressed as well.

I commit myself to has trust in myself to make the proper action within the moments in which I am faced with a interaction with another in which I am to express myself from within the Desteni message, or to just express from a place of equality and oneness with the being. And realizing that these two points while differing in content are in actuality the same message in action. Only the intent can be different in which I may or may not recognize a point of personal attachment to the point of expression. For example am I just expressing as a movement or expressing as a investment?

I commit myself to stop fearing death as a point of loss, from which I am extrapolating all other points of interaction from. To stop worrying about my status from within a point of money and where I stand in my life in relation to money and how to obtain it no matter what the cost. While realizing that I still must become effective within this process to be able to make movements within the system. Committing to a placement of understanding that practical steps need to be taken to ensure that I am a viable expression of equal money. Not just a point of self interest based in survival.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s