33. Work and charity.

Opening on a point of how I am relating to my job cooking for the homeless and addicted, how I am viewing myself within this particular sub system and the system as a whole. Where I have seen a view of how this system operates within the larger system masquerading as a solution when it has become apparent to me that this can be a point of self interest for those involved and those afflicted. In which it is set up within certain boundaries in which the poor are being enabled to remain within their current status and not actually being supported.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place a point of emotional attachment to my job where I am feeling as if I am giving back in some way rather then understanding fully that within my experience working as a shelter cook that I am actually only working as a means of survival.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see this point first as a point of expression within my actions in the shelter. Constantly moving from a point of self support to a point of looking to help others in some way in which I engage other beings from a starting point of wanting to change them, and not seeing how this is actually a point of self validation where I am looking for a experience for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use this experience as a point of pride in which I see myself as doing something beneficial for society, and not realizing that I am placing a point within myself of being superior to other because I am helping the homeless. Not realizing that I am only enabling homelessness by not first understanding my relationship with this particular job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view myself as superior within the fellow workers within the shelter in which I am doubting their intentions and placing requirement upon them to validate their actual motivations within this line of work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt my reasoning behind why I am there and what I am doing within my daily interactions with the homeless. Not fully taking the time to investigate how or what I should be expressing to them in when I am engaged by a being within the shelter.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others for their apparent lack of self motivation and drive to change themselves wherein I am in a particular position to explore my judgement of self and others in a constantly engaging environment. Not fully seeing the value of the position that I am in to work on myself on a daily basis.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view others as holding only self interest in which the managers of the shelter appear to make decisions in which are benefiting themselves and only for the continuation of the system as it stands as a manifestation of the shelter.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place judgement upon the system in which I am viewing it from a place of standing apart from it and not fully engage it to a point of understanding of the deep inner workings of it and taking a point of directive action to make change by first fully exploring myself and my relationship within it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall to a point of incredulity with the comings and goings of other employees and residents of the shelter and allowing this to directly effect my work ethic. Not seeing the point in continuing to work as a full expression of how I know I can because of my disdain for others within my work experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forgo set rules of the kitchen in which I allow myself to give away food to residents when I have been told not to give away food outside of the set menu.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place certain residents apart from others from a point of being able to form a connection with them and because of this point I give them extra food or larger portions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give away servings and second servings in which the amount of food given exceeds the amount of which I realize that my boss would not agree is a acceptable amount.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if my boss is being cheap within how she presents her expression concerning amounts and ingredients. Not fully understanding where and from who the money for food is coming and going. Placing a point of judgement in suspecting the intention of cutting costs and using cheap and old ingredients is to directly benefit her financially. Basically I am thinking she is pocketing money meant for the residents, or redirecting it somehow. Totally allowing myself to let judgement run free.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold a point of unexpressed grudge against my boss based solely from a point of judgement and observation of pattern within how she is conducting her business within this kitchen contract. And allowing this grudge to affect many points of how I am working at this job. Constantly allowing myself to step out of the parameters of my job requirements and taking it personally to follow them.

When and as I see myself looking to step beyond a point of utility within my work, taking a point of personal vendetta in which I see myself of a higher cause, I stop and breathe and realize that it will not change significantly unless the whole system changes.

When as I see myself standing in placement of wanting to help others within my current workplace I stop and breathe, and realize that I am outsourcing myself to a particular viewpoint of validating myself in a starting point of self interest.

When and as I see myself stopping myself from expressing myself by asking questions in which may clear up points of not fully understanding the reasoning’s why certain things are taking place I stop and breathe and realize that this may help to clear up some points of judgement within how I am conduct myself and why.

When and as I see myself viewing myself from a point of importance to this particular job in which I am gaining a sense of self worth from how I place my ethic at work I stop and breathe and realize that by viewing myself as the best employee or as most diligent I am only operating from a point of ego and basing all my action around self interest and not a point of expression.

So I commit myself to take a step back from my personal subversive mission at my work and just approach it from a point of being there working to a point of being comfortable in my workload, expressing my questions about particular points of conduct in which I am require to adhere to. Not taking the answers personally and just following the required rules with an understanding that in this particular manifestation of work that I am in I am required to follow the rules to maintain stability within my own experience financially. Understanding that I must direct myself from a point of survival primarily.

And I commit myself to realize and act in accordance to the fact that this branch of the system will not change because I view it differently then others. But will only change when the larger system changes, something that will only take place over time and with considerable effort on my part individually changing myself daily to stand as a point of example of integrity as the equality and oneness message.

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