34. Some experiences with the homeless shelter.

So within a point of where I touched on yesterday I would like to write more about my experience within working in a homeless shelter. Where I stand within this is a point of seeing many of these points of separation within other beings daily and not really being able to do anything about is, wherein being self honest about my motivations for taking a job within this industry niche of cooking for the homeless I can see in the beginning there was some sort of sense of WANTING to help the homeless. This I have since learned is a point of separation and self definition within myself. I have come to see this and tell myself (and others) that I am not there to help people from a stand point of needing this experience to define myself as a person of compassion. Yet on some level I can still see that I am relating myself to a experience of some level of pride, or…. well yeah I would have to define it as pride. And while I am not going around boasting about how I work in a homeless shelter helping the poor, I can see where my mind is telling me that “at least I doing something to help”. Not seeing and realizing to the fullest extent that disconnect of where my ego comes in and makes it again only about me and self interest of feeling this fulfillment by “helping” people. But honestly bringing it back to base level I am there because it’s a job and I am needing to survive. Strangely this particular job happens to bring about and open up this point of altruistic tendencies that I have almost always held on to since I was young reading heroic fantasy novels. Wanting to be some kind of hero, my name means great protector and throughout my life I have clung to this idea that I need to live up to that. Not until recently have I come to see that what true guardianship would look like, and that helping others is actually coming to terms with myself and realizing that I need to help myself out of my mind from myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by a sense of pride in what I do for work. In which I am relating my actions as being benevolent, all the while I have not realized how much of my action has been within a point self fulfillment and pride in which I am expressing myself not from a point of oneness and equality with the beings that I come into contact with at the shelter but from a starting point of wanting to help them in some way, as a point of gratification.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the system is actually doing something about homelessness that is supportive, trusting and effective. And not comprehending the point of if the system that is creating homelessness how is it going to be able to somehow solve it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how this point placement of how this particular branch of government institution is actually enabling this way of life for people to continue to accept and allow themselves to live this particular experience without questioning change within self. Not seeing the the tools that are given are from the starting point of from within the dominant system that is already there.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be a part of that system of enabling within a starting point of self interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to essentially point the finger at the system and act from a point of defiance think that I can change it and all of it constituent parts without understanding myself and relationship to it firstly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself in a position of wanting to address or intervene within other beings addictions to cover up my own additions or enhance my sense of well being to a point of which I am not directing myself to address them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to be deluded and brainwashed by my own idea’s and beliefs about altruism and heroics. Allowing them to consistently manifest within my current experience based on points from which I have been holding on to for much of my life. Allowing it to be build on points of information built up from my childhood beliefs and desires.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how this connects directly with points of desire within my life experience as just wanting to be happy as a child and not be in a broken home/family, broken world. Wherein I built a whole sense of self definition on which I was supposed to protect the world and come to it rescue to cover up a point of un-fulfillment within my own experience.

When and as I see myself allowing myself to create a energetic relationship within how I conduct myself at work and how I interact with the aspects involved with others at work I stop and breathe, and commit myself to realize how I am really only looking to fill in and give myself a sense of guilt remedy.

When and as I see myself forming a connective principle with my past belief systems in which I hold the idea of heroics and a saving others as one in which I am personally afflicted with I stop and breathe.

I commit myself to conduct myself at work from a placement point of actually working and not attempting to change the system from a starting point of personal investment. Realizing that change is something that cannot come through wanting to help others to make myself feel better, but self change is the way that would actually bring about a point of example for others.

I commit myself to watch myself closely and where I still am attempting to sidestep my self expression within my workplace. Not being afraid of where that might lead in terms of not saying things to create a point of dependency from other beings as to create a sense of worth or need from others being but rather being straight up about what is the real causes behind the system.

I commit myself to take on these points without fear of how it may play out if I stay true within myself and whether or not I will continue to have a job at the shelter fear a point of not surviving if I do not compromise the message in favor of preservation of the current system.

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