35. Moving in timing to myself.

So I realize that I am still jumping from point to point as it stands, as yet it has proved difficult to stay fixed on one particular point to the point of clarity, yet at this time I am attempting to just let my writings flow, I have full intention to return to points in which I have previously opened up as they come up yet by and large every day brings up a particular point in which requires attention.

Today I would like to write about a point that I have previously written about. One that is lingering. This is the point of sharing and being self directive. I have a reliance system that is particularly subtle. What I have noticed is that within the Desteni group there is support, this comes in the form of all sorts formats, videos, blogs, interviews, books, etc. And what I have noticed within myself that has been around for a long time is that I WANT to be a part of that. I can see the solutions that are being put forth as common sense, practical, and valid. No one other then Destonians that I have met in my real time experience has a full grasp of solutions that are put forth within the Desteni group. And what I have noticed about myself is a misunderstanding of what I have been defining as support, wherein support from the perspective of providing examples of how one can practically assist and discover for one’s self is provided. Yet from what I have been attempting to do is seek knowledge and information from the group in a attempt to support others. And repeatedly fallen on the point of making my change about others even though I speak the words. My words must therefore be within a starting point of knowledge and information. Not changing. Not Cool.

And so I see how my own eagerness to change and become a part of Desteni for real has in fact done nothing but to slow and hinder my deeper understanding and exploration of myself, in which I would be the one who takes initiative and takes the time to investigate rather then looking for handouts. There is a still a reliance and self confidence issue there that has to be addressed I see.

So again I need to start at square one, check my motives behind my words and actions, learn to trust myself and direct my action with effectiveness and not from a point of desiring to be a part of the change, realizing that I must be the change, and then, simply, I WILL be part of it. To not falter or think that is enough for today. TO actually identify and set up points of responsibility within myself and follow through with them. Things like reading others blogs, watching the videos, writing my blog and diplite. At this point I have to realistically assess where I am standing financially honest and make a point of commitment on what are my goals in terms of my involvement in my process. Where is my money going? Can I afford dip pro when I finish diplite? If not to find out how to officially apply for sponsorship and do that if that is the case. Set priorities that are realistic and at the same time do not box me into a corner with myself in which I feel repressed. If I would enjoy to spend a couple hours a week on my board or watching a movie then do that but do it with self assertive intent and not let them remain and manifest as addictive points within myself as zombified actions, as this is really what is a stake with myself here it seems. I say that I would like to do this and do that yet I still waste time within my day around pointless things. Rather then productive things like cooking a dinner for myself and enjoying that point of self support.

And while I do see how there has been a great deal of change so far within my process with myself it seems there are a few key points that are still lingering around making it difficult to get past where I stand presently. Mainly to do with motives behind my writings and a point of not pushing through enough with how I am directing myself. I WILL continue with this line of exploration until I can gain some deeper understanding of it and it is cleared up.

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