36. Breaking it down to base level.

So picking up where I left off, within this point of self definition within a point of reliance I have noticed that it all boils down to this fear of death. This fear of death is manifesting into this reliance point in such a way that goes something like this. I am afraid to die alone, without self direction or definition, solace of self, or unresolved points. Sooo I actually fight this point in seeking this energetic reaction of desiring others approval to make it seem to myself that I know what the fuck I’m talking about. That I gather all these points of “cool stuff” to build a gratification structure around this point of fear. Not stopping long enough to realize that this is just ridiculous as I’m only paralyzing myself within this point of fear and replaying this same experience over and over. Where I have a point of expression that can be put out there and I am second guessing it every time, BECAUSE it is starting in place where I am seeking approval. And in that seeking it manifests as uncertainty within myself expressing it. A time loop. Haha. Like it’s fucked from the start, in where it doesn’t matter what I’m writing it still a point of not actually committing to what writing. Scared to be wrong. Not just seeing this point of where if I am wrong or another being puts forth a point of correction the that is ok, and to just accept that this is going to happen many many many times more. The only difference is in how I can relate myself to these points of correction. Or even a point of where I can expand on another beings expression in that time. Basically a self trust issue where it manifests into a resistance to take any action. So the solution would be to just go ahead and write myself in the moment regardless of where I am. Something will happen. Or not. Just write it to where I understand myself to stand within myself at this time, for myself and not care if something, or someone say’s “waaaaittt a moment” because in that happening I am actually being granted a point of self honesty and opportunity to REALLY see where I stand. Which is the whole key to self direction. Be directive with myself, don’t fear the result, if the result is corrections required, correct them and mooove on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue holding this point of self reliance within the opinions of others and the view that other may or may not regard me with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my own fear to place my within this state of paralysis where I have a point system within myself in which I keep track of “where I must be” within the desteni group based on how much I express.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my expression to be based out of a starting point of fear of rejection so I boost it up with “cool sounding stuff” and lose the point of just writing myself out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be straight up with myself in which I just express as myself in that moment where I don’t need to think about how it will received or doctor the words or add words to make it acceptable. At same time realize where I am in my understanding and to express from there knowing that if something within it needs to be corrected then to correct it or that it will be mentioned at some point or another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that something must be wrong with my expression because it is not getting a reaction from people within desteni, whether “good or bad” and realizing that I am still wanting to play within this polarity realm. Attaching my actions and expressions to these points of polarity and using them for justifications to have my own reactions. Basically just pulling shit out of the air and saying it’s someone else’s fault that I am choosing to whine to myself about it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if the end all to be all within myself is the acceptance of those within the desteni group and not seeing how this is detracting from a real relationship with myself and which places a barrier in front of really being able to form relationships to others within the group/life in any meaningful way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel this point of pride about “getting” a point. Wherein not seeing that pride is actually somewhat of a point of self deception within myself where I tend to use it as a placement of saying “ok, you did something right, so you can take a break” and not seeing how that is just fucked up in that I actually didn’t learn anything, just knowledge and information. And not coming to a point of understanding that within changing there is only change, no reaction. It would just be normal and not a point of celebration.

And so within these points of realization so far I would like to commit myself to really view myself from a point self honestly check myself when I am choosing to express myself to make sure that within the choice to express that choice is of myself and not for myself in which I look for or cling on to hopes of acceptance no matter how small. I commit myself to just put myself out there and realize that yeah I will goof up but really that most likely just my part of my style so might as well accept it and embrace that aspect of my self expression as it stands now.

I commit myself to breathe when and as I see myself wanting to just pull information out of my mind to add force to the manifestation that I have allowed to build on itself by placing these roadblocks of inadequacy of self image and expression. And I commit myself to check myself in those moments for points of where if I am desiring a certain outcome within the experience that I am in and applying forgiveness for them in that moment of breathe.

I commit myself to really understand how the process of self forgiveness works within the application of breathing as to be able to be sure for myself that I am effective within my commitments and application of self forgiveness.

More tomorrow.

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