37. Habit of acceptance of reliance.

So within the point I wrote about yesterday, I noticed a point in which I questioned why I have this persistence within relying on other beings to fulfill a point of self definition. I looked a little deeper to find that on some level this system really only functions as a reflex. In which I see it and understand the point of not relying on others for a sense of acceptance and purpose yet have been just accepting and allowing a preconditioned mechanism to run free. Kind of like when I write I just doubt myself and writing just as a habitual thing. Like while I’m writing and when I’m finished writing there has always been this point of running it through a “check” within myself to make sure that it is acceptable. But not from the starting point of being acceptable for what is best for all. But actually from a starting point of “is this going to be acceptable to friends? Family? The Desteni group?”. Not seeing the distinction of if it is acceptable to ME. Am I staying true to myself and my written words in such a way that I do not compromise them? From that point I can see that the majority of the time so far I have not because I constantly “check” the words as I am writing them and from within that they become a representation and manifestation of my own insecurities of self expression. Wherein the words are taking on a energy/life of their own, rather then a result of my own life expression. Not to say that I should not check my words to see if they are acceptable, but to check them with a understanding of sincerity to myself and the point of where I stand currently within my process. To understand that within those words there is a point of being able and willingness to adjust and be flexible with what they represent in terms of that I should be able to accept them to be that representation of the present moment and that it/they may change, often. The point being to be soft and allow words to flow without a point of hindrance of obligation to any one or more people or ideological premise held by someone other then self. To remain true to the premise of self expression within them and not compromise them to a idea of pleasing all parties, as to gain acceptance from all parties. That is simply foolish and impossible. The solution being to remain within breathe in current expression of myself without compromise or doubt.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to habitually fall on the point of allowing myself to check my words for acceptability within a premise of if my words will please others. Taking on a requirement of others opinions to validate them to myself and not seeing how they are from that standpoint not a true expression of who i am or where and what I stand for.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my words to be a point of habit in which there really is not solution to what I am trying to write about but only desires. In which I am only expressing self interest in which I am actually only expressing fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see this distinction for what it really is and hiding behind my words as a point of pride in which I convince myself that they are a expression when they really only are expressing uncertainties within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the value in this point in which I am rejecting it as something that I do or allow within myself in which I then create a point of fear based out of this system in which I am in fear of doubt. Like I am in fear of the doubt so I attempt to run from even seeing it as being there.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself in a position of fearing doubt in which I paralyzing myself from actually doing something about it and walking through it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself not clear myself from the beginning of my process of writing and actually write from within a precondition state of habit in which I am placing the focus of acceptance from others above my acceptance of myself. Missing the point entirely of what self expression is supposed to represent. Which is unfettered by outside influence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bypass the solution of just trusting myself to say and express from within my own current state and understand of my process and be OK with any points that need further correction in which I have been afraid of the premise of failure and in doing so only really fail myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to be hard on myself and not allowing myself to make mistakes, and stand in a understanding of committing to making mistakes and from there realizing that those mistakes are actually gifts of opportunity to learn about myself in a practical and dynamic way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beat up on myself for this idea that I will never move past this point in which I am just sabotage myself every time as I have given up before I even begin.

So as a point of realization of this system I commit myself to breathe when I see myself wanting to judge my words from a place of being acceptable to others in attachment of a sense of well being or feeling of acceptance by others as a primary motivation. Or rather a motivation at all committing to myself to make my words a point of self integrity in which I am my words in my own acceptance of them whether they are accepted by others or not and to see the practical point of being able to hold myself accountable within them afterwards in which I can either choose to respond in multiple ways, meaning that I can stand by them if I see them to be a real representation of oneness and equality and what is best for all. OR to be able to accept them as a point of transcendence and realization to made within self if corrections are needed. I commit myself to breathe in those moments and be soft in my response in which I am willing to be and see things from all sides and points of view. I commit myself to not become rigid in those moment and stand in a place of fear or stubbornness about my position.

I commit myself to see the point of take things in stride and that to get from point a to b it is a process of steps to be taken and that I will need to breathe with each one of those steps. I stop and breathe when I notice myself reacting in a state of fear about the impact of my written and vocal expression and realize that I am looking to remain in a place of ego in those moments in which I am just looking to gain acceptance for myself.

I commit myself to see and act on the solution to this system which is to write without a filter of who may accept my words and how will I gain acceptance from others for myself through what I write. Committing to the words within my understanding in that moment without compromise.

And I commit myself to breathe through those points of habit when this doubt of if my words are for myself comes up from a place of ritual, and see it for what it is which is a system that is just looking to compromise my self expression for it own survival.


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