38. Sitting in the present in hope for a standing future.

I watched a video by a Destonian today and it opened up a and related to a point within the context of the subject that I have been writing about the past couple days. The point being that within my habit of relying on others there lies a point of projection in which I am hoping myself to find my way within my process and not actually taking accountability for the present state of my process. This I can see relates very closely towards my relationship with my writing in which I have been viewing myself from a standing point of being less then others and of a projected idea of who I want to become. Within that there is a fear that I will never reach this idea or person that I want to become or persons that I want to emulate, viewing people/ideas/premises as something more than myself or so far off that it is unattainable. I really am only messing myself up because from that view the whole point of this process is lost in gibberish. Where I have made myself equal to the idea of being in a lesser position from which I have to climb out of, placing myself in a point of extreme resistance and difficulty to navigate and move out of that habit of thinking and judging. On another aspect I am skipping ahead to what I want to see myself as in the future and not accepting with gratitude the opportunity to become that as a natural process of walking day to day. Making it next to impossible to follow through with my writing and stay on and see through a singular point because I have always been projecting into a state of who I want to become in the future. Looking for shortcuts but actually taking a longer path with more prickle-bushes. So within this realization the solution would be to stop expecting so much myself to the point of where I can only HOPE for a image of myself in future. To stop chasing whats out there somewhere because I cannot stand the fear of whats in here. To breathe through and realize that I am here now and that is the reality point of focus in the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project a hope of future success with myself to the point where it causes me to jump ahead and react with doubt of myself within the present moment. I commit myself to breathe when I see myself pacing myself in a place of doubt when I am express myself in my writing.

I commit myself to see how I am really only reacting in a habitual way of viewing myself from a lesser standing point of a image of myself that I have projected into the future in fear and insecurity in comparison of how I view myself now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continuously take the view of myself from a place of inferiority and weakness in which I attempt to compensate by building up myself within my writings by attempting to “know it all”. And not seeing how that is plainly from a starting point of knowledge and information in which is separation from expressing myself in the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have this comparison structure system within myself in which I am comparing myself constantly with other beings within their processes with my own. In which I always end up beating myself up from a place of lesser ability.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not recognize and stop these reactions of emotion and feelings that I hold towards other being within Desteni from a starting point of comparison of their processes with my own in which things like envy, jealousy, distraught, admiration, idol-ism, attraction, superiority and others surface because of a point of self dishonesty is being allowed to continue within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to cover this up within a systematic habit of jumping my attention around and not remaining focused on the current task in which I am choosing to handle.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to maintain this point of comparison to manifest itself in such a way that I am attempting to prove to others and myself that I am doing something by covering a wide range of points instead of primarily handling one at a time. But at the same time I commit myself to remain flexible in which if I would like to switch from a topic to cover another that is within the present attention of my focus to not stop myself or force myself to continue but to cover that point and then return to the other point. Basically I commit to not jumping around needlessly to the point of confusing myself and my sense of direction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I will never get to where it is I want to be. Not seeing and committing to the current state of myself and process in which I need to actually take accountability for all points and that that is not something that can be shortchanged. I commit myself to see that this it is something that must be walked a day at a time and that no matter how much I want to be at the finish line to breathe stop my desire to be there and bring myself back to the present and apply myself there and then within my current understanding without fear or self judgement of that current understanding.

And I commit myself to have gratitude for this opportunity to learn about myself in this manner and treat myself from a place of enjoyment within my process in which it should be a point of fun seriousness to examine all the points of separation that I have allowed and identifying them and releasing my attachments to them. Making a point of this daily commitment as a personal activity to look forward to instead of dread.

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