39. Staying within resistance.

So I have had a real hard time actually directing myself in my writing tonight. I started another blog post but was finding that it was getting off topic of what I have been writing about and that it was fragmented in such that it was coming out as being a point of feeling sorry for myself on how I have been feeling. Within that I would like to write a short blog about how I have been basing my experiences within writing from a standpoint of how I am feeling, not practically directing my writing but rather letting them be a product of emotion. And what I have noticed about that is that when I do that I am faced with all sorts of resistance on what to write about. I notice now that this could be another point in which I look to jump around within my writing, when I am not directing myself with a point of commitment then I find resistance within the flow of my writing and with beginning the process of writing as well especially. Which within the context of the other blog post I started shows me that this is a point of example of what I am doing in sabotaging myself within my experience, placing all sorts of experiences above my process. Wanting or allowing these experiences to fulfill (supposedly) my day until I FEEL like I am ready to write, pushing back my writing or directive action in a “waiting for the right time” manner and not just sitting and writing myself out in a way in which is conducive to a point of continuity. And within that anything that I attempt to use as a point of delay suffers in expression in itself I have noticed. What I should be doing as a solution is actually directing myself to stop placing the importance on the activities that I am using as a point of delay, form a commitment with myself to just sit as I have said before and write within a scheduled time. Within that I see how I have stayed within resistance to not form that routine and relationship with myself in which I can count on myself and trust myself to do this in a organized manner in which I stay true to my word. Not allowing myself to fall into points of feelings about whether and when I want to write or not.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use emotion as a justification point of not committing myself to a time to sit and do my writing when I have so much time to put toward other things.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to choose to delay directing myself when there is obviously much to write about and much that requires attention to the point where I become irate and overwhelmed. Not realizing that setting myself up within a structure of routine and commitment is a solution to this problem.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use activities as a point of self manipulation in which I am attempting to coerce myself into feeling good about writing, when what is actually happening is that I am covering up a point of self commitment statement that I have previously made myself which is placing a negative experience point of blame and worry onto writing myself out in such a way that all activities are suffer as a result of not actually being a form of expression of self but a point of manipulation of self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stick by myself within a set timeline of when to do my writing and exploring when the best time would be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail at coming up with a actual plan. One in which put down all aspects of what I would like to do with my time and forming a realistic map on how to give some time to everything. Realizing that within that point I will form vision of where I want to apply myself and how to do that in a way that supports my own self trust and allows me to hold myself accountable, and actually forming a time to do everything that I need to, and would like to do.

I commit myself to forming a schedule in which is realistic to do everything that I would like to do within my days and weeks factoring in a time for writing every day in which is a reflection of discipline, self honesty and a realistic use of my time. And I commit myself explore and experiment in which way this will work for me and make notes of that so I can actually become more effective within my experience.

And so every time that I see myself looking to just push back my writing from a starting point of not wanting to or wanting to do something else when it is time to write and use emotional experiences as a guide rather then commitments that I have made with myself I stop, breathe, and remind myself of why I am walking this process in the first place which is to bring about a world that is best for all and supports all within point of equality, oneness, and self expression, in being to able enjoy oneself in activities without compromising the earth and all forms of life on it. Seeing and realizing that I must walk this for myself to see that happen and that I can wait until after my responsibilities to enjoy other activities.

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