40. Facing Implications.

Today I am going to write about how within my sitting down to write I fear the actual process of writing. So within this point I notice that there is a fear of facing myself, of actually admitting to myself where I have allowed myself to become separate with my experience. And within that fear there is a manifestation that occurs with not wanting to see the points within me that are in separation with myself. I wrote about a point in which I am projecting myself into a future version of myself and how I would like myself to be. Within my current experience I can see how this is directly influencing my everyday experience as I am looking to move past all these point within me that are unresolved and not even stopping to acknowledge that they are there or even exist. All these points left unresolved have implications within my experience and I am fearing to see those implications and the consequence of such. What does this actually mean? Well, it would mean that I am totally not willing to face myself from the starting point of working with what is here, within my experience now. I fear what I have allowed and what that means, fearing the evil that I have allowed within my experience. Fearing evil essentially. Well that would implicate that within that I am actually in the process of creating more evil within myself in doing such. Which is quite ridiculous and funny when I look at it practically because the solution is simple. Apply myself to uncover all points without fearing what that says about me. Realizing that those points are from my past and that they only continue to be a point of evil if I let them remain unresolved and unaccounted for. So a point to remember within this is to not fear what this process will uncover and show me about myself but to embrace the evil that I allowed in such a way that proves to myself that I am not in fear of it. No longer accepting myself to view myself from a place of lesser value, strength, and power to my past memories and experiences. Bring the point of self direction to the present moment and place that into a point of will to see and walk myself as the whole self that I have created and move a step at a time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the implications of what I have done in the past to the point of believing myself to be evil in the present and not realizing and seeing how this fear and desire to skip over points without fully addressing them is actually manifesting myself as evil in the present.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire myself to be so far ahead of where I stand presently that I ignore and push away points that are undesirable to look at to such a degree that I don’t even realize that they are there at times and camouflage them behind more superficial points to keep my focus away from key points.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realizing how this particular system is directing me instead of me directing me in such a way that allowing me to be thorough and honest within my application. Wherein I want to rush through things to get to this self image I see of myself in which I realize that I am actually only showing myself that I am not OK with where I stand now. That I am scared and fearful of who I have allowed myself to be in the past and actually making myself equal and one with those past self definitions and memories.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this fear to rule my experience on present experiences, in which I am fearing a different outcome, by way of how I direct myself is from a place of previous habitual expression in which I have not ever been any other way then a projection of my fears and failures. Paralyzing myself into a continuous encore of past systems.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold evil in such a point of fear within myself that I inadvertently have made it a point of comfort within my experience. Holding on to that image of myself like holding on to a warm blanket, within that I have actually allowed this to manifest into the way that I conduct myself in daily experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize this as a point, when it is quite obvious as how I choose to direct myself from a placement point of acting in desperation to change, and seeing how I move within a point of just staying the same ways as always.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the concept of how the points of evil within myself implicate me to be evil when in fact it is the belief of and as that fear construct that actually is creating that evil within my expressions and actions.

And so when and as I see myself looking at myself from a starting point of viewing myself as being evil based out of fear of that concept of myself being evil I stop and breathe realizing that I am only giving weight and power to that system that is existing within me and allowing it to direct my applications with myself. I commit myself to direct myself in those moments to stopping the fear, forgiving it and walking through it with determination and persistence as to realize that operating from within that starting point is really only making this more difficult.

When and as I see myself fearing to look deeper into a point because I fear what it may implicate about me I stop and breathe and commit to uncovering what that point actually is and why I fear it. Realizing that the implication is there already, no matter what, and that in fighting or ignoring it I am only running away to hide in a corner of the same room within my mind.

I commit myself to bring myself back to the present moment within breathing and self honesty in those moments and directing myself to move through them and not allow myself to just go into a placement of whining to myself about how far I need to go still or that I will never get past my past. Stop those thoughts immediately when and as I see them trying to gain a foothold in the directive action of my applications and breathe.



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