41. Staying within my comfort zone and fearing to face the evil side of me.

So continuing from yesterday I am looking to explore a little bit more into this image I have convince myself that I need to be. From what I can tell I have always been looking to justify my inaction with a image of benevolence. Plenty of instances through out my experience in which I have not acted and used the reasoning that those experiences or interactions are not “right” or “correct” so I refuse to even acknowledge there existence as something that is happening in my experience. This is plain to see that I have a point of self interest in which I am looking out for my own self safety or preservation. But I realize that what I am actually doing is just reacting in fear and not standing up then making justifications for why I should not have stood up. Really just being evil and then making up things to make it seem like I was actually acting in goodness by not taking action. I have built level of comfort and have refused to step outside of it. And when I look closer I’m realizing that I am only being cowardly, this ranges from many degrees and many different points of view, for instance seeing a fight and having the ability to step in and stop it and not doing so saying its not my problem turning my back to it. Or having the ability to refrain from arguing with a parent and allowing myself to take out pent up frustration on them in clouds of logic. Kinda of like blaming them for why I can sort my shit out for myself, and using their problems to deviate from seeing my own. Or also something simplistic like not pushing myself to learn a new skill or work a little more efficiently and using tiredness or vindictive mantras to justify it. Or even a most prominent example being not talking or just interacting with women or people in general because I have better things to do and they would not get me anyways, even when something is screaming at me to just say hello or reach out to someone. Anyway what I am getting at here is that all I have ever really been doing is staying within my comfort zone. And when I do step out momentarily the change does not stick it just peeks it head out as if to say to myself “hey, there you go you did it” then I rush back into the same place I was before with a fuzzy feeling of accomplishment. Now within that I realize that there is no progress being made from that starting point. I need to drop this holier then thou image and see it for what it is. Just a backdrop to cover up what I have accepted and allowed myself to become, where I really am separating myself and refusing to identify points that are my own incarnation of evil. Not fearing the evil nature I have allowed to mature in me but embracing those points as opportunity being able to see myself fully and without judgement, and without desiring to push them away as if to say “stay away your not me”, when upon having a look it is apparent that really was me all along and I actually have to hold myself accountable. Yet without reaction to that accountability, like going “OHHHH shittt I did do that I feel soooo badddd”. No that is not going to work either. Common sense, practically notes that the best possible solution would be to approach this from a starting place of not judging myself for what I find there by any standard. No comparisons, no desires to shift the blame to someone else or some circumstance, that would only be continuing to be and accept myself as a creature of circumstance rather then realizing this process of becoming aware comes with taking responsibility of evils that I have allowed. A Responsibility to rebirth the self through uncompromising self honesty and practical application, in this learning to breathe through the points of when I just want to give up and points of uncertainty and direct myself to just come back to the practice of getting in touch with my own breathing, as self support to help myself not judge the moment I am in but to see it in clarity.

Thanks, I will continue with self forgiveness statements after work tomorrow and the follow up with the next portion of this blog post.


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