42. Hating everything as myself.

Well from what I touched on yesterday shows me that I just need to get on with it and while identifying the problem is one thing that acting and exposing myself is another thing.

I would like to just come out in the open with a point of how in the past I have had a underlying hatred for everything. Believing and acting upon and within this deep hatred for my experience, with the system, and people within the system. I have had a point of view the world and its inhabitants from a place of complete arrogance in which I see everyone/everything as being stupid and short sighted. Placing myself in a position of self inaugurated royalty and setting myself apart in which I feel as if I and my feelings and desires are more important and vindicated to be realized/granted. Where this comes from is obviously from a place of detachment and separations from the world around me and others in it, this stems from my upbringing I realize and how because I go through hardship within my experience that somehow this makes me or gives me the right to be right all the time. And when that doesn’t happen or someone is not playing along to that experience for me I say “well fuck em then”. Within this I can see how I am actually in such a deep delusion as I try to cover this up with a great cover/mask of myself by trying to make everyone my friend, and attempting to make them believe that I am willing to bend over backwards to present a pearly white glowing image of myself to make them recognize that they should be viewing me in great reverence and awe. Real insane logic when I see it here but it makes sense to why I behave the way I do at times. Without any real respect for myself in I am in fact prostituting myself out within a point of trying to make others pay by being this nice person or friend to them. Like “they will realize, by god they will realize” using hatred of their ignorance as fuel for me to make them see it my way. Never actually bringing it back to self or seeing my own ignorance within this equation. Not stopping to see that this hatred actually is a expression of my own hatred of myself and my own life. Many of the other subsequent points stemming and feeding off of this one of never quite coming to terms with my own limitations that I have place myself in through my actions and inaction. Just telling myself that if they don’t get me then they are not worth it. When all along it is I who haven’t gotten or spent a moment to start to understand them and my relation to them. Or see how I am really only standing within my emotional reactions of my past experiences and a allowing them to influence my current expression. Within that I can see and realize that my definition of being a nice or pleasant person has been completely screwed up in which I have been looking at it as being something in which you do things for others, not seeing that within that context there is only judgement as I am behaving a certain way to gain a particular platform within the judgement viewpoint systems within other beings. And from where I view other beings as being nice or benevolent is really only a point of judgement on my own part. Really only tuning each other’s radio knobs. So with that realization the thing to do would be to bring this back to a place of practically every time and stop looking to view people as being good or bad, smart or dumb, wise or short-sighted, and to start seeing people as other beings equal and one with me in which we are all here now and all facing the same world scenario. That the only real distinction that is of note is if one stands for life or for self interest. And to practically bring it back to myself within that distinction and see where I am still in conflict with myself every time and throughout all my interactions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive others by presenting a false image of benevolence as myself when really I have been using that image as a smokescreen to hide the real face of hatred for them. Not realizing that I was in fact hating from a place of self loathing and unwillingness to accept and forgive myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall within a energetic exchange between beings as a point of supporting and continuing these systems within myself and contributing to the systems within others as a whole.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not investigate the real motives behind why I am choosing to express myself from the starting point of wanting others to see me in a “good light” and not seeing the distinction for what it really is which is a judgement based distinction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the polarity experience that plays itself out when I am seeking to be viewed and regarding as a “good” “loving” person in which from there I am really only admitting to myself that I do not view myself from a place of stability or a whole sense of self. Obliviously outsourcing my self definition onto others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept the definition that others place on me as being this “caring loving being” without questioning it, not as, to, and from a place of judgement of them but questioning my own acceptance of it by bringing it into my being and allowing it to influence my view of myself and how I conduct myself in a reaction to others view of me. Allowing it to form a point of a code of self conduct in which I believe I have to act or express myself a certain way as to maintain others approval of me rather then sharing whatever is relevant within that moment no matter what the outcome may be. And I commit myself to see how that the equal and one expression of self will at times be received and perceived by others as being evil, cold and uncaring, yet that always wanting to be seen and regarded as good, nice, or loving, is really the evil in disguise for something else at work within self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if this hatred is unforgivable and to vast to be dealt with within myself in such giving up before I even get started in self honesty. Not seeing how in wanting to give up I am allowing that expression to hold sway even now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let this feeling of hatred towards others manifest to and as my experience within my everyday interactions and in how I conduct myself with myself in which I can see a vast difference in how I conduct myself at work or with friend to how I conduct myself at home in which these two experiences are like two different people.

I commit myself to see that within this realization that I am really only standing in fear when I am looking to others to place in that piece of the puzzle for me not seeing and realizing that they only have pieces of their own puzzles. And by giving me their pieces I have to give them mine or they have to go find a piece from someone/something else.

And I commit myself to realize that by forcing them to place that piece in I am in fact making a picture that does not make sense. So when and as I see myself looking to others to fill in this point of gratification point within myself I stop the interaction within myself, breathe, and realize what I am doing is actually messing up both of our puzzles for the sake of a point of self hatred in which I do not want to be seen as being incomplete to and as myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see and view others as beings of lesser value and nature then myself and therefore should be looking up to me for guidance and instruction. And within that I commit myself to share myself unconditionally in such a way that is a expression of myself without points of judgement of myself or the other being and from a starting point of being only a example of equality and oneness.

I commit myself to really dig deeper and look closer at where these point have come from within myself and expose them to myself as a practically point in which I can see and understand to be fundamental in reaching a understand of why I am still judging people, and desiring judgment from people and seeing how this whole time that has escaped me as a realization point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use this facade of acting like a good being as a point of covering up or making up for points within the past in which I really am feeling a guilt coming through like watching porn, fighting with my friends, family, and girlfriends. And I commit myself to stop associating this point of trying to redeem myself through how others perceive me to be rather then simply realizing that the only way to transcend self hatred and loathing it to fully recognize it and expose it to myself so I can work through it a step at a time.

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