43. Hating MYSELF as everything

From within my writings yesterday I noticed a point of questioning in which I am not taking into account. Within this hatred for everything I am not realizing that I am not seeing how everything around me has been designed to create and incubate that sort of reaction and experience within myself. That my whole life has been based within a parameter in which I was not really given much option, insight, or support in which to see/react any other way. But within that realization being brought to light that opens up the complete responsibility to see what it was/is for what is was/is. So this hate for everything that has endured this whole time and exist to some point still within me now, bears now only a point of self responsibility in which in ignorance was seen as a reaction to to the stimulus of the system now within a raising of the veil I see that to be only hatred directed at myself. Wherein the hatred really was only ever directed at myself and just my ability to discern this has changed and been made apparent. So the next step would be to identify where this hatred stems from within how I have accepted and allowed myself to construct my self as from birth. Looking back I see that it is difficult to see a exact point in which this particular instance took place. So the common sense thing to do would be to first forgive myself for allowing this system to continue to remain presently and work backwards though the memories that supported this formation of self hate one at a time.

And so, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself as a reaction toward the physical reality that I currently a part of, and not realizing that this reaction is actually a manifestation of a predetermined pre-programmed construct in which I had very little choice in the result of my current experience. But also commit to a realization that within that understanding there is a point in which responsibility can and has to be taken to develop a true understanding of my relationship to the world and myself within it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place a point of blame on my experience in which I give over my power and self identity to a outside source and effectively cutting of myself from any solution by actually making my self less then my environment.

I forgive myself for unquestioningly accepting this hatred to be real, valid and vindicated within myself to point in which it blinded me from even seeing it as being everything and everyone else’s fault but my own and in such abdicating my responsibility to self and self honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself to be able to handle the truth about myself in what it was that manifested this system in the first place and allowed myself to hide behind hate as a point of fear of the system and what it was doing to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only see the point in which the system was affect myself and not acknowledging that the system is affecting all beings within simultaneously in which some are rewarded for separation points and some punished, yet all are within the current stand point of inequality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stay within this hate system while seeing how it affects everyone, and within that being only a contributor albeit a unconscious one.

I commit myself to step in to a self honestly in which I am not placing myself in a point of fear of what I may find hidden behind this hatred system, and to stop and breathe when I look back and see point of where this system manifest from or take root/substance from.

I commit myself to look back on my past and look at all points in which this system is stemming from one at a time in a common sense and orderly fashion, meaning to see the connective points where one event leads into the next lead into the next and so on. When and as I see the points I stop and breathe and apply myself in practical application of self forgiveness, realizing that I have allowed myself to become one and equal with those points and to correct them I must admit them to myself in honesty and self trust that I am not less then them.

I commit myself to realize that I am one and equal to all beings within the current system of inequality and that we are all facing the same issues and that I am not any better or worse off then them, so to hate anything for that would be to intentionally hate myself as them as the point of becoming aware of my relationship to the world has already be made apparent. So when and as I see myself wanting to let myself just “forget” the point of knowing that relationship and fall into hatred I stop and breathe and take the focus back to myself in realizing that I am here now and not a point from my past and not allow that to hold a influential sway within the present moment.

I commit myself to realize that I am not different from anyone else in the context that whatever is going on in my head and what am doing with my life holds no real weight in the reality that all are equal and one and that any form of feeling better or that others are inferior is actually the ego mind playing out a point of attempting to sabotage myself in creating friction, and that these points of better or worse are actually delusion that I am accepting to exist.

So when and as I see myself wanting to even for a second pass judgement on others based within a merit system I stop and breathe forgiving the judgement and realizing that I am only trapping myself within that judgement, making myself small and powerless to myself and actually destroying all my credibility and integrity with self within that moment.


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