44. Not knowing and not caring to investigate.

So from where I left off from yesterday I was writing about how I have a point of hatred of myself based out of and as a hatred of the world that I am existing within and how to identify where this began, yet only being able to speculate at the beginning and that working my way back and moving within what is here and now is a point of self support that is feasible at this time. And which is applicable to my recent current experiences. So within that I would like to open a point up about how I get stuck on a point of not investigating the material to the full extent of my capabilities and then when interacting with other beings I reach a point of being somewhat at “the edge” of my understanding, and not knowing where to proceed within my expression. At that point I notice that there is some friction within me at those times. But looking closer I see that this is a point of not motivating self to look beyond that experience of friction or not having value within finding the solution no matter what it takes to find the solution and instead getting upset and reacting within anger, and disappointment with others, hating others for not getting it. But really this only shows me that I am just whining about this and not really directing myself to a solution which would be to investigate for myself and ask for support. Showing myself that I do not actually care enough about myself OR the other being to be able to spend the time and effort to really find out for myself and do it for myself as within that I am really only looking to create a self gratifying experience by sharing rather then the point of expression. So seeing that I also realize that this is a current source of the the hatred that I feel towards others which is actually a hatred that I feel towards myself from a starting point of directive application that is not clear of ulterior motives. Kind of like a sick loop of fucking myself. So working within that understanding I would have to come to a threshold within that system and step back from creating a experience which is based on getting people to agree with me so they can validate my purpose for me. So that is the system point in which I am facing presently and it is interesting to see how this point of hatred can take on so many different manifestation attachment points within me, like how the hatred may not have necessarily have originated within this reliance point but it morphed into it to maintain it own existence. Or attached itself to this point of reliance in such a way that hides it origin to some degree at least.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I need to share what I know to maintain a sense of self definition and not realize that I a just looking to fulfill a desire for attention system point placement within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how within this point of giving more importance to sharing that I do not direct myself in such a way that is self supportive as the starting point of my sharing is not within clarity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become upset at the point of not being able to successfully bring people around to the message of Desteni that I become actually attached to this upset as a point of demotivation to investigate why it is that I am trying to share the message and in that foregoing the point of self support. Not realizing that this actually doing more harm. And within that creating more uncertainty and misunderstanding, and then become more upset at that effectively creating a feedback loop in how I conduct myself daily with other beings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not research the material within the context of applicability.

I forgive myself for feeling this hatred towards others when in fact it is actually a expression of hatred toward myself and not feeling secure within myself, so looking to fill that insecurity by assuring myself through others, yet from that starting point not seeing the cycles of not progressing past that point and replaying the same experience in which I am waiting for others to get it and catch on and start walking with me, not realizing and seeing that they are not walking because I am not walking. I’m sitting next to them talking about the beauty of change when I haven’t really moved from that spot.

I commit myself to walk consistently even if I am walking alone for a undetermined amount of time, to see the value of walking myself to freedom without someone or some to fill that void. I stop and breathe when and as I see myself fearing the unknown and that I do not need to make others see how I see to be me in this moment in time.

I will finish this line of self forgiveness in the morning as well as the next part of this blog post.

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