64. Self honesty within a relationship.

So within my current situation I am experiencing a point of crossroads within myself I would like to open up upon, wherein I am seeing where I have behaved in the past in conjuncture with what is in front of me now. Trying to understand how and why I would like to be in a agreement. What is a agreement? What am I experiencing thus far within this interaction with the other being? What am I “getting” within this relationship? What am I desiring within it? What is self honesty within it? How has my past relationships placed a point of comparison within this current one? And in what way? What points of moods and energies are arising within myself? And am I defining myself by or becoming dependent on the other being in some way?

All these and more questions have been made and become apparent to me recently and will take some time to work through.

At this point I see and recognize that it is obvious that I am not fully able to answer these questions with any sort of specific certainty in one blog post, I am experiencing a great deal of confusion and resistance to address these questions honestly. I see where I still am holding on to points of wanting to exist within a mentality of wants and desires for a functional relationship with another being and in such I compromise myself for the other being. I see that this is counterproductive as I hide myself and what I have walked thus far in a fear that what I am looking to stand for will be receive as a threat to the other being rather then opening myself in total self honesty and self trust of myself and seeing where it goes from there and taking it for what it is not feeling threaten by myself by the prospect that there is the possibility that it will not work out the way I want or desire. I am afraid of screwing it up and in that fear laying the groundwork for actually screwing it up because I am not being true to myself with the other being. Not seeing that to really actually care for the other being I need to firstly understand how to really care about myself. I have to realize that being honest and true to myself and my process will come through as a point of real caring for the other being as a point of honesty with the being as myself. So this is where I would like to stop for today with the realization and opening of this point of consideration about my current situation. So I commit myself to continue investigating into this within my blog postings until I sufficiently gain a more stable understanding of what self honesty within relationship/agreement really truly is for myself.

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63. Allowing myself to get very distracted.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become extremely distracted in which I can clearly see myself not choosing to remain in breathe and allowing my mind to run rampant within a continuous cycles around my interactions within this new relationship with this being who I have been seeing for the past few days.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to totally disregard what I have learned and have been walking where when I am not with her my mind is constantly thinking about her from where I am thinking of the time that I spent with her and analyzing and fantasizing about those memories.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to follow through with the commitments that I have made with myself within the context of breathing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how when I am with her I am more focused and aware of myself and breathe but when she is not around I fall into the mind and within this realizing that I am placing a point of importance and reliance on the other being in which I am seeing and allowing her as/to be more important then my relationship with myself. And in which I am allowing myself to get very attached to the points of being around her and not following through with what I have walked thus far.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my desire for physical intimacy blind me to what is actually happening around me in the reality around me. But letting myself become entranced by the prospect and memories of sex that I become severely dis-attached to the physical and am creating a cerebral reality when I am not around her.

I commit myself to realize and act from the starting point that what is within my physical reality is what is real and that while within the act of intimacy requires a full presence to be a true expression of self, and also that while on my own the physical reality around me is the reality not the mind created illusion of fantasy or reminiscence. I commit myself to understand that this is the normal function of breathe to always be within what is around me in the physical to bring myself back to the point of clarity in which I am not off somewhere in the mind dimensions taking away my experience of the present moment whatever that may be.

I commit myself to see that within a point of wanting to be with her or that I would rather be doing something else from what I am doing within that moment that I am actually creating a polarity within myself in which I am judging the moment within a less or more positive nature comparison based within my current level of interest.

When and as I see myself operating on autopilot in which I am performing a function but actually not really there in the physical moment but in my mind thinking about this other being or within a memory with this other being I stop myself and bring myself back to the physical reality around me and breathe, and breathe until I am fully back. And commit myself to see that this is about building a foundation with myself in which I will be able to live as a point of self trust in each moment no matter if I am with a partner or without one and that no matter what situation I am in I should not be affected from a positive or negative energy fluctuations.

62. Hiding myself, doubting myself, and fear of rejection.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the prospect of rejection from another being in which I hide myself within what I am doing with myself according to my process in which I think that she will not understand and hold a belief that the message of Desteni is somehow beyond what most people are capable of perceiving.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not hold trust within myself to be able to stand within self honesty in which I do not compromise myself for a point interest which in this case is to maintain the prospect of a relationship/agreement.

I commit myself to see that this is actually a fear of loss system, in which I am perceiving this interaction with this other being in comparison with ones from the past in which I would base the whole relationship on a hinge of if the other being would accept my beliefs.

I commit myself to stop basing the relationships that I have now on one based within my past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I need to have myself validated within how I see the world at present. Not seeing how this is a point of not trusting myself enough to have patience within my interactions with other beings and letting things come naturally in time and as a point of self expression through the living word and living action of myself.

When and as I see myself looking to find a point of self justification within another being I stop and breathe. I realize that I am attempting to outsource myself in a desperate way so I can overcome this fear of rejection.

I commit myself to understand that this will actually only solidify that same point and to stop myself from trying to control the situation. I commit myself to be self honest and trust myself within how I act within my interactions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself constantly by placing a wrong and right mentality within how I interact with another being and not realizing that the only point of consideration is self honesty within the equality equation and if my words and actions are within what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide points from within my experiences and current actions like smoking cigarettes in a point of fear of rejection or repulsion and not realizing that the reality of those points are within my own responsibility, and that hiding them is a point of being self dishonest out of fear. And furthermore realizing that any point of rejection or repulsion from the other being is within their responsibility of judgment.

I commit myself to realize that from within a agreement with another being there lies a joint responsibility to place all points on the table within who and what we stand as presently and to come to agreement on where and how we would like to proceed within the relationship/agreement. Coming to decisions as to what is acceptable and best for both to walk as individuals walking together within a practical starting point.

When and as I reach a point from within the interaction with this other being in which I am faced with a point of wanting to hide something about myself for fear of her not accepting me and becoming less attracted to me I stop and breathe, and realize that that is the point of stopping this system and transcending it by being self honest and expressing the truth about myself no matter the mind created fear of consequence. Understanding that deceiving the other being will only lead to greater consequence within myself and the other being.

61. Meeting someone and jumping right in.

I recently went out on a date and everything went great we got along well and I enjoyed the evening. What I noticed though is the familiar tendency of mine to immediately want to make a connection with this girl. And she with me. To the point where I allowed things to move quite fast without really placing myself in a position of what I know to be acceptable within my understanding of agreement and relationship at this time. And while I did make it apparent of my intentions and direction in life at this time still fell on a point of desire and longing. And although I see this point for the first time in my experience with intimacy with another I can recognize where I still remain in a want to disregard patience and throw caution to the wind. But I see were that to do that would be compromising everything that I have done so far within my process and that this is really a point of fear of loss. Of wanting to reach out and latch on to another being because I am still afraid of being alone. I see how part of me really wants to be with this person in a dependent and entangled way, but I am also recognizing a sense of peace and calmness within my approach to this particular being in not wanting it to just be another time loop repeat of everything that I have experienced thus far, of not wanting to control the outcomes and to keep the focus on my process and rebirth. I would like to continue with my journey in becoming stable and recognize that I cannot compromise the time that must go into myself no matter if the other being is reaching out to pull me to them and for any relationship to be stable the beings within it must be stable and in this particular instance I must be the stability point and example. Not pushing the other being in joining me in this but only acting and expressing from a point of example of equality and oneness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold continuous thoughts about the other being in which I would long to be with her, and fantasize about being with her.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself and my own self honesty to a point of fearing making mistakes within my approach to this relationship and so fall on a point of wanting to reach out and pull her closer to me in fear of losing this opportunity, because I fear being alone and fear that without another I will not be happy. And not seeing how this is a point of self sabotage in which that fear will manifest itself through dependencies within the interactions.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to have confidence within myself in being in the present moment and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I will fall based on past experiences with relationships and for not realizing that this is a choice in what I would really like to do and how to spend my focus.

I commit myself to see that within relationships that it is still just a point of breathe that is the defining factor in which indicate whether I am being present or in the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let things move beyond what is practical and into what is desired from within feelings and emotions. Where for one there is a point of wanting to satisfy the other being and acting on a point of fear of not wanting to let the other being down in not seeming like I am attracted to her and the other point of wanting to have my own desires met and not considering what it means to actually express as physical intimacy within and as breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I need to fulfill another beings requirements as a point of self definition and not recognizing that just working myself through this process is the point of self integrity that will ultimately show where my actions are within equality and oneness or within separation and self interest and this will make itself apparent through my choices and through the results of my actions within the interaction with other person.

I commit myself to see that acting in any way that is compromising myself for the other being such as giving up time that is allotted towards working with myself or with my daily requirements as to make the other being feel good and feel desired is from within a point of desiring to control the outcome at the expense of myself, and am not being self honest of self directive.

When and as I see myself placing myself in a point of wanting to just compromise myself in terms of not putting limits on how much time that I practically can spend with the other being, I stop and breathe. And realize that to actually have real intimacy with the other being and not just a point of preprogrammed relationship the requirement is for me to find and exercise self integrity in being totally self honest. To understand where I am acting within a point of just wanting to be in emotions and feelings, stopping myself without judging or feeling like I need to play a character for the other being breathing through those moments and just standing as myself as breathe as life.

60. Revisiting the visit. Part three.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to maintain a point of smugness within myself and allowing myself to feel as if I had done nothing wrong after my sister stormed off, and did not see how I was just using that feeling to validate myself in terms of what I was attempting to put across.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue on within the rest of the gathering as if and from a point of superiority in which I was under the delusion that it was my sister that was at fault for feeling the way she did or that she took what I had said personally and not realizing that what I had said was in fact a personal indictment of her, by me not bring the point of example back unto myself and pacing her experience in the spotlight instead.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if my mom was wrong in defending her in saying that we should take it easy on her and not seeing how within my process of learning about myself and my expression I was on the far side of the line in which expression becomes self gratification.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was just expressing myself without actually looking closer at what I was actually intending within the interaction, wherein I was actually using the excuse of not wanting to censor myself as a point of actually justifying not being self honest and not wanting to look at myself close enough to see that I was actually really only looking to make myself feel better about myself and did not care about the other being as equal and one with myself, really only expressing self interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel irritated and frustrated with myself after for apparently not being certain within my expression when in fact I can see that this irritation was a clear indication that I was not expressing myself within the context of equality and oneness. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delude and attempt to hide from the truth of the matter which is that I was acting only within a sense of furthering my own self image and teacher personality with others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consistently maintain this image of myself as one who is calm and assertive with all the answers when really I see that I am just looking to make up for the timidness and uncertainty that is existing and prevalent with myself. Where I am looking to continuously gain a point of conquering the situations and interactions with others around me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget that this whole process will take time and much effort to move within the human race. I commit myself to realize that it will not be a event that will happen overnight or over one singular dinner, but rather as a understanding that it will make itself apparent to others in its own way and time if I take the responsibility to bring this process always back to myself and become a point of living proof that change is possible if I apply myself and if I am is so inclined to look at myself with self honesty.

So when and as I see myself looking to hide from myself in fear of what I really am scared of which is actually standing up within myself and acknowledging where I am just looking to have myself validated and actually not addressing that fear by stopping in that moment and asking myself if this desire to say something is actually a point of expression or just a point of self interest, to check the point of what I would like to express and apply it to with the equality equation of “is this best for all” and if I find that it is not I commit myself to breathe until the mind stops and in that moment apply self forgiveness.

59. Revisiting the visit. Part two.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I could in fact influence the group within a experience of profound proportions and within that did not see or realize that the desire for that experience was actually the starting point for a experience of separation between the group.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how this was playing out and within that did not stop myself effectively and actually continued to approach the situation within and as a point of comparison with the other beings present.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view myself and place myself within a somewhat point of leadership based within my own mind constructs of understanding within knowledge and information with how the world works. And not actually seeing or caring about the reality of the message of equality and oneness only the point of superiority that it could bring me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself into a conversation between my two sisters. In such seeing that one was attempting to validate a point to the other based within her understanding of the Desteni message thus far. And instead of stopping myself I join into where I stood within my current understanding thus far without regard to the consequences on my youngest sister.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my view on the matter had more value then what my youngest sister was expressing about her experience within the social work scene. Not realizing that my word would hold particular points of resistance and conflict when based within a starting point of wanting to see her realize a larger perspective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to internally react to points within how I was view my sisters explanation of her experiences in which I was actually placing a point of desire to resolve this issue within myself and not recognizing that this was about me and not her.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge her hand gestures as being stubborn and unmoving within her expression which brought up a feeling of frustration towards my sisters apparent lack of flexibility and not understanding how my pushing of my words in frustration where actually building on this dissonance within that conversation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold a judgement of weakness, when she told me that she could only handle two weeks working at this women’s transitional home because of what she saw and how the system dealt with the issues. And not actually seeing that within that there was no actual care within my view of how she expressed her experience only a point of desiring to pass forth a greater information. And not actually seeing within myself that fear of weakness within myself as a manifestation of fear for her and this desire to change her perspective was actually based within fear of the world systems.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say to her that “I have seen bad stuff as well but to equalize oneself with self and come to terms with ones own emotions and feeling we could achieve so much more and you could have lasted more then two weeks” as a example of how without reacting to a situation it would be beneficial for us as a whole within society. And did not stop myself to realize that within that statement I was placing a point of blame on her and highlighting a potential weakness that she may have been experiencing by using her experience as the point of focus, not bringing the statement back into a place of self where I was the point of example within my expression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this desire to fix the problem to blind me to seeing how this actually works on such a specific level, in which the movement of one sentence in separation actually can cause someone to react so forcibly as to storm out in anger.

So when and as I see myself trying to push words upon others from within and as a point of looking to change them I stop and breathe, realizing that this desire to change others is actually only a representation of a fear within myself in which I am actually giving in to by saying to myself I am not so sure about myself that I need others to see what I see. And commit myself to understand how backwards that is because within that I actually am not seeing anything at all only perpetuating fear.

I commit myself to only speak my expression when it is pertinent to the conversation and within a starting point of being clear of and motives to change others, recognizing the familiar emotional signature of this point within myself and stopping myself in those moments and breathing until it is clear and then proceed from there within expression or not.

I commit myself to stop placing the importance of family and friend ties to my own movement within the process with myself in gauging my success and to actually trust myself to walk this for myself as myself in recognition of what that actually imply for my experience with the world, which is for each and every person to have the opportunity to live a decent life, a decent existence and that require a new system to be put into place by people who have walked and understood the message of equality and oneness as a integral foundation of themselves as themselves for themselves.

And so one more time I commit myself to realize that this process is for me to walk for myself and that I cannot rely on anyone to do it for me or fulfill any kind of point for me, I need to walk it one step at a time, bringing myself back into the breathe and out of the mind living moment to moment in equality with it. I commit myself to understand that this will not be easy but it will also not be hard it is only a choice of what and how I move myself within my experience.

58. Revisiting the visit. Part one.

So I would like to attempt to get a little more in depth within my my self forgiveness from the dinner I had the other night.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to plan and hold this event from within a starting point of wanting to place myself into a position of being a teacher of sorts of the Desteni message when I should realize that this is most effectively done when I do not hold any ulterior motive within myself at the get go and actually am only focused on breaking myself down to a placement of expression of equality and oneness within myself and that others may only really see/learn from me as a point of example.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold this as a primary reason for calling all these people together at one time knowing that the conversation would most likely move into a place of opinions, based within my mind created judgments of past experiences with these people in the past, where I would have many conversations on a individual level with all of the people that came in which I accepted and allowed myself to argue on the points of their beliefs about religion, philosophical viewpoints about the mind, politics and emotions, and did not realize at the time that I was in fact doing the same thing in reverse in which I was only attempting to push on them my own versions of philosophy.

And I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look forward to the battle of opinions that I had placed within my mind to take happen as a point of opportunity for myself to for one see where I actually stood and what I could handle within where I am at within my process and secondly on a subconscious level just want to be that teacher role to fulfill this sense of purpose within my life at this moment. Not realizing that I separated myself from myself in doing this in taking the focus away from myself and placing this importance within having others be what I am experiencing or see what I am seeing, rather then actually being in the moment in my breath in enjoyment of that without pushing this message as a point of ego or within the motivation of a personal test where that is the goal rather then being observant of myself in all moments, creating a test rather then seeing all moments as that point of self awareness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be this teacher personality from the perspective that the group of people that showed up where people like my family, my sisters, mother, brother, some friends, ex girlfriends and boyfriends of, and from within that I have had experiences in which I would fight and argue with them about beliefs, where we are in life, who is responsible for this, what is actually happening, about values on emotions and feelings, for a very long time and in such I have this underlying systems to continue wanting to change them because I am holding the past with a point of comparison of the now within myself, in which I am actually placing a point of separation outside of the present breath. Not seeing how this has a actually become somewhat of a point of addiction within me to seek out opportunities to rock the boat so to speak within those closest to me and use it as a point of apparently making myself a leader when really in fact I am only looking to make myself feel better. And within that not coming to that realization that this rarely works in any lasting way and actually backfires most the time in which it blows up with myself and others becoming angry or emotionally invested within rebuttals.

And from there I commit myself to stop that system of wanting to change the present relationships I have with my family and friends based on the relationships and experiences of fighting and friction in the past, and realizing that the way to be self supportive is to keep the focus and awareness on myself and in realizing that within this whole process the structure is based out of equality and oneness of ALL life not just with this small grouping of those I deem “closest” to me. Thus taking the self induced delusional importance of having these particular people around me to “get it now”, and thus bring it back to myself and where I am at, where I need to see what my contributions of separation are, for myself.

I commit myself to realize that sharing with others is self supportive, yet only from the perspective of where and how I have supported myself within walking this process for myself why it is important to me, and the reasons for my change in what could be described within how I can see that the world current requires change to bring about a reality that is ideal and best for all.

I commit myself to realize that directing myself is the most effective way to bring about change within the world as with a stable foundation of myself I can live with the integrity of know that my actions and words will stand within the context and expression of equality and oneness and not fall under pressure from others and most importantly from myself.

I will continue more on this tomorrow.

57. Feeling guilty and not leaving enough time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty about missing days within my blogging when I cannot get around to it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I do not have enough time to get around to writing my blog and in such create this mind experience of feeling guilt when in fact that guilt is indicating to myself that I am not being self honest within the time I spend within my day. Where I have many opportunities to do some writing but still it is not being fully utilized.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go hang out with friends when I know that I would be compromising the time I would recently be writing my blog and not setting a limit in place within those visits in which I can make my intentions apparent and understood.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use other events as excuses as why I cannot get around to writing and at the same time noticing that within those activities there is a somewhat overly relaxed way I go about them in not being efficient within what I am doing.

When and as I see myself feeling guilty that was triggered off by not wanting to or not doing my writing at a specific daily time I stop myself and breathe.

I commit myself to realize that this is my mind looking for any way to maintain its survival by throwing me out of a point of self direction.

I commit myself to stay true to myself in recognizing where I am not being honest with where and how much time I am spending doing a particular activity, and if I am actually being efficient with my time and to keep walking through to make that a point of continuing awareness and improvement.

When and as I see myself wanting to push back my writing until the next day I stop myself and breathe, and commit myself to actually honestly taking a look at if I really am being true to myself in that moment in telling myself I do not have enough time.

I commit myself to understand what it actually means to stop this system in regards to looking at all possible vantage points of where this resistance to setting up a actual schedule with myself is coming from and doing something about it rather then just continuously writing about it and not actually living it.

I commit myself to stop feeling guilty about this system as in that guilt I am just allowing myself to become paralyzed within that guilt and I am not actually moving myself in self expression within self change because I am in that feeling.

56. Reaching the edge of my understanding, and jumping off anyways.

So I have missed a couple of days of blogging due to a “thanksgiving” dinner that I planned and cooked. What I have seen and learned about myself is a few things that I realize are not really that cool to admit. One of them being that I am actually not as “far” as I “thought” I was in my process. Another being that how easy it is to fall back into a previous pattern of behaviors and thoughts.

I have held small dinners for family and friends here and there over the years and many points come through in my approach to them. I tend to go over the top with what I cook and spend to hold them, wherein I do not take into account my own financial situation or capabilities. And within that I notice that I do not make this information known to anyone who comes, people just show up and I would like to have a good time and be a entertaining host so I never want to “bother” anyone with those details of what it takes to bring it all together. I can see where I shortchange myself in that aspect, looking to provide a experience for others so I can have a experience.

But more prominently and the point of this post would be that I noticed a few days before I had the dinner I was feeling quite nervous about the group of people who where coming because it was quite a mixture of people which have held many different systems of belief within their experiences for a long time. I was nervous at the prospect of having all these people in the same place and what the outcome would be. I see now that I had this belief of my own that I could handle it and that I would be able to proficiently be capable to express myself from a place of a expression of myself and not from a point of self interest. Well I have to admit that while I did make it through the dinner in relative stability, I did notice many points within the gathering where the conversation became extremely volatile, many beings were only attempting to have themselves heard and talking over each other to voice their opinions, myself being guilty of this on a few occasions I noticed that when the “vibrations” within the discussion became very emotional my response was to be emotional as well. Although I see that I have definitely made progress in recognize points where I just need to stop myself and breathe through the desire for everyone to just “get it”. It became very overwhelming with so many points being brought up back to back and no actual resolution within any of them. Where one topic would be brought up and then someone would link that topic to another one and the bigger picture did not ever get looked at. I did attempt a few times to just bring it back to the basic level of existence and what that would imply in how we as humanity would conduct ourselves in a daily manner, yet the experience that I encountered was that even if I would postulate a concept within equality and oneness it was almost immediately lost within a hail of diverging voices and opinions. I was lost within that, unable to know how to proceed, looking left, looking right, not knowing exactly when my voice would/could be effective, much doubt if I should be saying/opening up at all came forth a few times. I would stop myself in breathe attempting to bring myself back, went out on the balcony for a few minutes. But it was a point of mayhem that my mind definitely was having a field day with. I ended the night with some points of regret in realizing that I did base a particular example within the context of another’s beings experience, and while what I said was without implication of any sort on the other being as a definition of them, the fact that I used their experience as a example resulted in the being becoming angry with my words and storming out. So I see clearly the consequence that arises when I desire to “teach” another by exemplify another’s experience that I did not directly partake in, where I have held those patterns in the past with similar results. And the importance of ALWAYS bringing the main point of example back onto a place of self, in which I and my own experience will be the example of my own expression and criticism.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I need to provide a experience for other being in which I am within a starting point belief that I can someway influence them and that I am actually a point of a teacher in some way instead of realizing that the focus should be within myself to become stable within myself as breathe in that moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to express myself from within that starting point of being a being who has some answers to many of the points of conflict and confusion that others hold within there experiences and do not realize that this is a process for everyone and that by me pulling this group of others around is a attempt on my part to “jump-start” the people within my experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that because of the past experiences that I have held with these other being to allow myself to become nervous within the experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and and allowing myself to doubt myself as a point of feeling like I failed over the course of the night, not seeing that I am really constantly failing but that I am actually having slightly more success within remaining stable and holding myself within a actual expression of life, and allowing myself to judge myself from a future projection of wanting to be perfect, not seeing that that judgement is from a place of impatience with the current moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use another beings experiences as a example within how the mind works and acts to create resistance to certain paths/choices/experiences. And not seeing how in doing that I am indirectly allowing a opportunity to arise in which another being could take offence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place a point of guilt within myself from the trigger point of when I spoke this example the other being seemed to feel as if I was implying that they where a certain way or of a certain definition, when I was actually making a general definition for all beings. And not seeing how that old pattern of behavior within myself was still present to outsource my placement of expression into other beings experiences.

I commit myself to learn from that experience instead of feeling guilt about it to simply learn that whenever I am not the prime example within my expression of concepts then most frequently there with arise tension and friction between the beings involved.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not slowing myself down to the point of just breathing consistently and realizing that at a certain level none of what was being said really has any sort of impact within the current world system it really is only banter and by wanting to join the fray I am only compromising myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my expression may make a difference in some way within this gathering, and not seeing that by placing that belief desire within myself it actually shows through my expression by way of some level of desperation.

I commit myself to stop this point of nervousness within my experiences with groups as a point of realizing that I am actually just coming from a fear of what to say within the group, or how to say something that has a profound effect rather then just being there and breathing and when and as I see myself in front of a point of expression that stands within the context of equality and oneness to speak and express and not back away from it.

I commit myself to recognize the difference within the point of desiring change and living change within how and what I choose to do and say as my expression. Realizing that I do not have to partake in any discussion at all if I so see that it may be causing unnecessary conflicts between the being within the discussion.

55. Trying to be perfect and not allowing myself to be who I am.

Today I would like to write about how I’ve noticed a point about myself in which I walk about trying to place myself within a expression of perfection. Within that I have noticed that within this attempt I am seeing and viewing myself within a character of failure in which I am constantly fighting within myself, trying to be something other then what I am in this moment. I am actually creating and building walls for myself in which to climb by not accepting myself as I am in this moment. Looking to be within this expression of expression so badly that I am living within a comparison of where I use to be and where I stand currently. And from that starting point I actually am sabotaging my experience from within before I even move myself, kind of like I am trying so hard to be something/someone other/better then myself in the moment that I am to afraid to actually take action within the moment. Which obviously only is reinforcing this system within myself. Another point of sitting on the merry go round all by myself looking at all the pretty lights and entertaining music. But not actually realizing that its time to stop the ride and direct myself back “home”, remembering how I got on this ride and walking myself backwards to/as a point of self support. In relation to how this fits in with my interactions with other beings I see that when I go to talk to other beings or rather even go out in the world this series of thoughts almost always interjects into my mind about how I will talk to people, how I must be, what I must say, how will I present myself to females, how can I look cool enough to be interacted with, etc. And from there I realize that I am not allowing myself to trust myself to be a expression of the moment within myself and that everything from that point on arises from within the context of a premeditated process of my mind. I fear the uncertainty of spontaneity, and from there never allow myself to express in spontaneity. I fear a negative result more then the “rewards” of just expressing myself as myself without regard to what may come of it. I mean it quite ridiculous because in fearing a result and never/rarely taking action nothing ever happens, and I am not ever putting myself into a position to grow or learn from my experiences. I’m not allowing myself to fail and in doing that I fail. SO the practical common sense thing to do here would be to stop worrying about every little lost opportunity that could come out some small point of interaction and actually just stand and breathe within that point and move myself into a position that I am not absolutely sure or comfortable about what may come out of it and do it anyways. Realizing that as a expression of equality and oneness there has to be willingness to walk myself out of and beyond world within my mind and to remember that for something to actually happen within my experience and for myself to become a living entity of a physical change within my expression I have to allowing to move myself through the physical reality. One step after another and walking soundly while knowing that this does not represent perfection of expression that it is the pathway towards perfection of self as integrity within expression.
And so as I have been walking this point for some time and that I seem to consistently fall back when placed into the world around me I once again forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not allowing myself to be open to the experience of just allowing myself to express to other beings from a point of standing as myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I have to base my expression from within a socially acceptable context, from in which I mean I do not just be a certain way because I would enjoy to but rather censor and hold myself back from doing something because I fear what may happen, and what people will take from that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to focus so intently on how I present myself that I bypass the point of just presenting myself to another being without think about it or how I should present myself. Not realizing that the problem is arising from within the point of seeing the opportunity to interact and allowing my mind to move within a decision of should I/how should I interact and not just doing it without thinking about it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place such a importance upon this point of wanting/learning to express myself to other beings that I miss the point where this expression is a expression of self and within a this desire for perfection of expression I am really only looking to others for a acceptance, and not accepting or trusting myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid particular situations and take the “safe” route within experiences by not interacting from a place of equality and oneness with another being, where I choose a path of least resistance every time avoiding this point of resistance within myself and reducing my interactions and expression to one of “cold” utility and impatience with others.

I commit myself to breathe within a point of self honesty in which I am confronted a point of moving through the mind and within that breathe direct myself to express from within that moment in equality with the moment what ever that may be and whatever the result may be.

I commit myself to stop fearing myself as a point of being spontaneous within my expression and actions so as to remain flexible with myself in which I can hold myself with integrity knowing that I am not acting or reacting rather from a point of preprogrammed mind constructed limitations.

When and as I see myself doubting this movement of self to stop the mind, breathe and apply forgiveness in that moment to not accept and allow that reality to continue any further, recognize it coming up and breathe through it not allowing to gain back a point of remediation within myself.

I commit myself move myself within a starting point of doing this as a point of self support and not from a point of ego gratification in which I am only looking to do this so I can look perfect in another beings eyes.

I commit myself to stop placing the importance within relationships with other beings especially females in which I depend on a particular reaction, result or scenario to take place before, within, and as a reason to interact or express myself as a point of enjoyment and self directive action.

Thanks that’s all for tonight.