46. My perfect image and being told what to be.

Continuing with my line of blog post I would like to tie in a point of how I notice the view of myself within how I have this belief that I must be perfect. I have been told all throughout my experience how I am attractive physically. All kinds of examples and adjectives along those lines, perfect being one of them. What I have noticed is that within that is that it has placed a point of strong image conscientiousness within my self definition, wherein I am fearful of being less then that, perfect, not to the degree of where I try to enhance my image with clothes or working out or anything like that but in the perspective and context in which I am afraid to fail or look stupid. Conversely within the context of image I have had a somewhat adverse reaction towards my image in that I dress down (jeans and tee) I don’t shave often, and maintain a straightforward grungy style of attire. But at the same time I do not step out of my comfort level and notice that I look at people who are outside of it with a level of disdain, as if they are trying to hard to stand out. I notice that I have a point within myself where I see myself as not having to try to be attractive so I take a stance of apparently being against fashion and image. Although when I look honestly I notice that I am really susceptible to image just like most, only a particular type of image. Now I am not fully sure that this is a isolated scenario as I have noticed that I become attracted to many different styles within the opposite sex yet I tend to gravitate towards girls with a more natural look and attire that is casual. I have been told that I should dress nicer, that I have so much potential, that I should model, etc. But what I think has happened is that I have created a system within myself in which that am judging others for their apparent adhesion to the temptations of image driven society. All the while I still am a partaker within that as I admire/check out girls with fashion sense and also daring. But I have had this aversion to being told what to do with my image and have become somewhat introverted because of it. Like I have to live up to this body that I had no choice (that I am aware of right now) in inhabiting. And within my view of others image consciousness I notice that with males and females that if they choose to put some effort into their image I noticed some type of prejudice towards them on some level. Recently this has been significantly less but in the past I can see that it was quite prominent across the spectrum. And within the context of hate coming through I can see where this ties in as one more point of judgement towards society, which is based directly out of a way that I am viewing myself, hating myself and passing it off as societies fault. I am fighting against my self image in saying I don’t care about all that, but I’ve had the ability to not care as I have never had to face much issues of not apparently being “attractive” so I develop this apparent disdain and arrogance about all those that do something about/to their image, yet while secretly gawking left and right. So the solution to this within common sense would be to drop the importance on image once and for all and see that no matter what someone is presenting themselves as that they are equal and one with me, and I with them. And to stop viewing myself from within the context of a paradigm about our physical bodies.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I have be the subject of blind objectification within how society views image and placing myself in a point of rebellion from that in which I reject myself as being part of that system when in fact I adhere to it just from the opposite end.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take stock in what others are saying and telling me about my self and my image to the point where I allow it to have a tangible effect on my self confidence self esteem and in such move myself through periods of worry and awkwardness when having to go out in public.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately dress in clothing that is old, ratty and over-sized to hide myself from the eyes of others rather then presenting myself in a humble yet confident manner in which I am not afraid and not hiding behind a justifying belief that dressing up is wrong and egotistical.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to even take stock within what is happening within image/fashion and making differentiation within who is attractive and who is not.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not just dress and present myself in a manner in which I am comfortable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to treat others with disdain, arrogance and hatred when I see them as being a subject of fashion and image.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself hate being told what to do within regards to my image, in which I portray myself and not giving a damn about what others think about how I look yet while on the inside I have develop a fairly strong tendency to be affected by others comments and place this point in higher regard then I let on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this to manifest within myself to the point of judging others in retaliation towards my own self image insecurities and how that/they tie in to my experience within social interactions.

And so when and as I see myself looking at other beings with a scrutinous eye I stop myself, breathe, and realize that underneath all the clothing and accessories we are all the same flesh and bone, blood and muscles, one and equal in the physical.

I commit myself to stop judging myself by what other beings are saying about my image and focusing instead on the quality of the interactions rather the the potential possibilities of/with a particular person and the image that they are portraying.

When and as I see that I am wanting to hate the world for “how image driven they are”, I stop and breath and bring myself back to myself and remind myself that I am still within a point of being somewhat if not mostly driven by images, and commit to the admittance within myself that I am only looking to hide myself from the eyes of others by taking a stance that is apparently against image, when in fact it is the opposite in which I have cared and am afraid of what others think about my image.

I commit myself to a starting point within how I dress to comfortable and practical choices in which humility is paramount yet not be afraid to present myself in a decent inviting manner. Realizing that within this world at present to make a effective presence with ones expression one has to become acceptable to another’s current first impression barriers.

I commit myself to realize how this system is another one of many points that are tying in with this construct of hatred towards others as a mirror of really having hatred towards myself and is contributing to resistance I am facing sharing with others with a clear starting point and constantly looking for a gratifying experience from them as I am looking to maintain this accepted and allowed self definition of perfection. And commit to the realization the this perfection is based in fear of having to live up to others standards, and has nothing to do with the point of becoming perfect within my own self directive application and self support.

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