48. Loneliness… please let me let you hold my hand.

Well over the last few posts it seems like I have been attempting to deconstruct a point on why I am not able to express myself adequately to others. Delving into a understanding on why I find it difficult to interact with people in a manner that does not hold reliance or any point of self gratification through hatred or distaste. And while I see the points that I have written about as being a piece of this system within me, it occurred to me today that it is probably not the primary one. The fact is that when I look closer, I am actually very lonely within my experience. I have pushed myself away from other people and actually don’t see myself as being able to stand with them, for some reason I see myself as being somehow flawed in my ability to relate to them in a normal fashion. Feeling alienated. Which is quite strange because how I apparently interact and talk to people is in a way that actually draws them to me. Like at work or in social situations I portray myself as being charismatic, yet on the inside I can’t wait to be on my own. But when I am on my own I eat myself up inside for not being able to make real connections. It’s like I am living a feedback loop of belief, where the answer is right there I just fail on the edge of the loop every time. The answer being to slow myself down and stop myself from wanting a perfect scenario to play out, so I can make a real connection and to actually just step into the scene, fully committed to the moment and be the living connection as a real expression of myself. Not looking for a specific response or outcome before I am really satisfied and comfortable enough to just be there in breathe. I see moments of this but it at this point is far from stable, the mind keeps interjecting into my line of experience. I see how this in not acceptable to maintain and build relationships with people, but also where my motivations behind my expression is compromised as I am lonely and want and need someone to be there on my journey with me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let loneliness rise up within my experience still as a point of directing my relationships in which I am basing the way I go about talking to people as a way of drawing towards me. Using charisma as a tool to combat my loneliness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold a belief that I am not able to fit into a group of people naturally or that I see myself as somewhat socially flawed in some way when it really is a point of self sabotage in which that point is really only in my mind and I am just allowing myself to be directed by that belief and wallow in it at home when I am alone, telling myself that this will always be my experience because I am not normal and will never fit.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the need to isolate myself because of this belief system of not fitting in. And seeing how this behavior is actually only reinforcing this reality, were I do not make any points of change or take any risk to participate in interactions besides the ones that I am forced to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold myself in and as a point of delaying any authenticity within my expression to points of which I consider desirable or perfect. Waiting until the moments right to be real within my expression and not slowing it down enough to see that the moment is there it’s just that I am rejecting it from a point of desiring this loneliness. Or if I look closely it really just a point of fearing to make change as the loneliness is something that I have felt for a long time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the mind to keep interjecting this point of self doubt in which I allow myself to feel like I am not fitting into the moment and from there I take on a point of fighting the loneliness and expressing myself from that starting point in which I am reliant on someone to be there with me within my journey.

So, when and as I see myself moving into a place of not feeling like I am able to fit in or “be normal” I stop myself and breathe through that moment realizing that I am actually only feeling that way because I am lonely and I am desiring another to be there holding my hand.

And so I commit myself to moving myself out of this feeling of loneliness so I can direct myself in these moment and all others from a starting point of non dependence, were I am standing as a being who is the integral director of my life and such do not need external stimulus to make a particular feeling experience to make me feel whole, normal or valued. And to be able to actually direct myself in a way that supports myself to change the scenarios in which I am involved in so as to create a genuinely beneficial outcome for all within those interactions, and promotes expressing myself in a way that is really self supportive within my reality of being in the physical.

I commit myself to realize within myself that the value is actually in the ability to express myself free from desires and reliance’s. As life here in the physical.


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