49. Starting Dip.

I started Dip once before this and I dropped out after the first assignment. When I go back and look at what was happening at that time the reason I gave myself was that I could not afford it. Well on some level that was true, I was in Trinidad on a trip to work for my uncle, and would only be making the equivalent of about 600 Canadian a month. But if I look closely I notice that there was some points of clear separation within my decision to stop Dip. The reason I gave my buddy for stopping was that it was not going fast enough for me that I wanted to progress faster and such. Really, looking back on that time now I was definitely not ready to commit to the process and was making excuses out of fear. My experience up to now is clear that gaining consistency and motivating myself to walk in stability has been more then the task I figured it would be back then. Back then I see that it was also a point of putting myself in a position of superiority to some new found friends at that time.

So within starting Dip this time initially I had thought that I would not be able to afford it and needed to go for sponsorship but for some reason I had it in my head that it was 300 euros which was not really in a realistic range for me at this point. But I looked again and since it is wasn’t I just decided to start and stop delaying that next step in my process.

I would like to make sure that within this step there is no points of self sabotage, ulterior motives, fear and uncertainty within my starting point within starting Dip like last time.

And so I commit myself to take on this point of self directive action within this step in my process to start dip and to do this to the fullest extent of my current understanding.

I commit myself to to do this for myself and not for any sort of motives that are standing outside of the principal of exposing, investigating, and deconstructing myself for myself.

I commit myself to not fear what will come through in this next step in learning about myself and not become intimidated or overwhelmed by any points that may come forth, realizing that any points that do are just points within my mind and that they have no REAL reflection on whom I am, only who I have accepted and allowed myself to become. But not feeling shame, realizing that I am doing this to change myself for myself and for what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear this process in the past and to allow that to actively control me and my ability to direct myself effectively.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make a decision based out of a point of leverage with other beings not seeing how I was fucking myself from the start.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue a point of feeling like I would not be able to afford the course and from there took very little steps to actually find out what the real information was.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to quit Dip in the past based within a premise that it was not moving fast enough for me when in reality I was being impatient from a starting point of not being OK within myself and just wanting a quick fix.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to not realize what it actually takes to walk with oneself in honesty and begin this journey back to integrity.

I commit myself to continue to stay consistent within this next step and realize that it is not some magical bells or whistles that will get me solace. But peace of mind is through dedication to myself in walking a consistent, directive, path of stopping my mind’s systems and rebirthing myself into my breathe.

Thanks.

 

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