51. Sf on feeling frustrated and opening up on who I am within my relationship with drugs.

So starting with some self forgiveness points from my last post.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place blame on myself for reacting towards hearing that my friend has started using cocaine.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame another being in believing that he is responsible for influencing my friend into using drugs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if this is a direct attack on myself in which I feel I have failed my friend and do not see how I am defining myself by my friends choices in which I am still holding on to points of reliance with other beings and how they choose to conduct themselves.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a platform system within myself in which I am actually holding stake in another as a point of how I consider myself making progress.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place this particular friend as a point/person who I consider to be MORE important to have along with me on this process, and did not fully recognize that this is still a point of not trusting myself to walk this process on my own.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself in a position of doing/trusting anything/everything for this person as I have placed myself in the context of being a best friend, and in the belief that this is what best friends do, and conversely expecting the same from the other being and in which/when it has come about that this is not holding up that I feel disappointment and betrayal towards the other being and her actions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the situation within regards to a personal experience in my past in which this same friend confronted me about a drug addiction scenario within my experience and now seeing this play out hold this point of guilt towards and as a point of needing to confront her about this now. Really feeling a sense of debt that has to be paid and within that not seeing how I am holding/held the entire relationship within and as a expression of debt. Like I have been paying back a debt on my life with my friendship all this time, and not realizing how that really is not actually a real foundation for a friendship. Wherein I am constantly positioning myself as less than within the friendship and not asserting myself as a equal being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold my friends opinions and words as being a point of ending all arguments within how I or the group of friends conduct ourselves in which instead of directing myself according to what I would like to do within my understanding I always default to what my friend would like to do even if it stands within a point in where it is clearly separation. Not asserting myself clearly in standing up and saying NO that is not what I stand for, instead merely placing myself in a position of accepting her word as bond, from the context stated earlier in which I view myself as being indebted into this position of “best friend” on the value of a life she spared me. And from there not seeing the value of standing up and actually saying the actual points straight up in which I have come to understand about drugs and my own relationship within it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold this memory as a point in which she “saved” my life and do not fully accept responsibility for the action that I choose to take within that memory experience, in which I choose and moved myself to stop, and instead have created a whole set of experiences, and have always been within belief system pathways in how I act/portray myself toward this friend, from a placement of not ever being adequate or always within a point of repayment, and not seeing how this is actually stifling my own growth as well as hers as I am accepting and allowing myself to condone the points of separation that I see without actually standing and expressing myself as a point of integrity with the Desteni message for fear of upsetting her and her desires and fear of “losing the one who saved me”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if there is a point of not being recognized or valued as a friend on her part through a point of not being told or approached about this by her. And not seeing how within that I am holding myself conversely as superior in and as a placement of audacity in which I feel as if all of this has been for nothing since after all this time we are still not being open with each other. And not simply realizing that this entire experience is one of a pre programmed nature within the constructs and limitations within my/our minds.

And so within that when and as I see myself standing or moving within myself to a position of inferiority around my friend in which I subjugate myself toward her desires as a point of feeling like I owe her my life and obedience as a friend in payment for that, I stop myself and I breathe, and realize that within that there is a point of not staying true to myself within where/what I have walked so far, and a point of placing my own decision to stop using drugs outside of myself.

When and as I see myself looking to consider myself a failure in regards to my friend and hold and view her success or willingness to realize the Desteni message as a point of definition for my own success/progress within the message I stop myself and breathe, remembering that this is about realizing myself for myself and that is the same for everyone.

When and as I see myself looking to other people within her experience as being a corrupting influence, I stop and breathe and commit to the realization that ultimately it is she that is directing she and will come to her conclusions or she will not and to not continue placing my own stake within others choices.

And from there I commit myself to really stop defining myself through what other choose to do, and stop considering it a reflection of myself, but rather understand that that reaction is my point of self awareness that can/should be corrected.

I commit myself to stop holding on to this point within my past as a point of attachment to my friend in which I let it direct me within a starting point of superseding every and all else. And to stop contradicting myself with a experience in which I make all sorts of exceptions for her within how I speak and how I behave so as to not rock the boat between us.

I commit myself to just approach this friendship/relationship with common sense in which I express myself within it as pillar of example in which I stand in a place of equality and oneness within the context of my understanding and and not accepting anything less, trusting in myself to express myself as a point of integrity with myself and not from a starting point of fear of reprisal.

I commit myself to the realization that this will most likely not go over with a “positive” result but to understand that this is besides the point of standing in equality and oneness for myself which is actually to remove those points to be able to see clearly where separation is existing and correction is required without actively looking for a positive or feel good result, rather common sense.

So I have touch on some points in regards to my experience with drugs in the past and I can see how I have formed some systems in regards to my relationships with them in the past into the present so I will continue down that topic for a time over the next few blog posts.

Thanks, good night.

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