52. Explaining vaguely.

Well I know that I was on track to start writing about my experiences within drugs but I see that I would like to put that aside for now and continue within the context of the last couple posts that I have been writing. So within the relationship with my friend. I have recently had a experience of interaction in which I was attempting to convey myself in terms of giving reasons for why I have not been readily available, or readily contacting others. Within that I noticed that my answers/reply to her questions/statements while being honest were in someway vague and looking back on the experience now I am noticing that within myself there still exists a point of fearing to upset another being, a fear of confrontation that may arise when presenting another being with the concepts of self honesty, what that imply for self and the changes to ones lifestyle. Strange as from that starting point I realize that I am still not being self honest with myself. I notice that within my experience at this particular stage there is this tendency to not share with people who are close with me in such a way that supports my own expression, and rather starts from a placement of fear, more with certain people then others based on the relationship with that person. In a way judging the other being for “where they are at” and shielding them from themselves somewhat. Now I would like to specify that I am not looking to share as a point of self definition in getting others to believe what I am saying, or at least that is a understanding that I have come across previously and recognize readily within myself, but what I am more talking about is this point of censoring myself towards specific beings in certain respects to avoid conflict. Within that I see that I am not being clear in my expression and the desire to avoid conflict is actually supporting the potential for conflict not preventing it. Wherein the choice within these moments is to a) Express myself as myself fully and unconditionally accept the result/reaction of/to that expression, or b) censor or clip the expression to a point of judgement of what would be most well received, and in such the prolonging of a point of self honesty for both beings is pushed away. Really the point that I am facing is such that I am not fully trusting myself to be able to handle myself in expressing my current understanding in relationships I deem valuable. Within that I should be looking at what makes these relationships valuable to me more then other relationships. Or why do I deem them to be high risk when just speaking from a place of where I am at. And why do I feel this need to custom fit my expression to each individual. I mean obviously there is a point of understanding to see where an how to express oneself appropriately and in such a way that is not dogmatic or as a point of self interest and that is not so much my concern anymore, as I said I can recognize that point much easier then before, but to actually push myself to express as myself towards any being within a moment without any sort of tailoring of myself in expressing my understanding to that specific being is the point of what I would like to explore next.

More follow tomorrow.


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