53. The fear of others uncertain reprisal.

So within the context of my last post I am seeing that from my current experiences I have those tendencies to censor myself with most people to some degree. I realize that what I am really fearing is a uncertainty. A placement within my own mind in which I am going something like this “well if you say this then, this person will get offended, and then this will happen… etc etc”. So within that I can see where my mind is actually the thing that is in control within those moments and is directing my actions. Only really fearing something that is not known, only assumed and with that I am not within a full expression of myself, which as I can see through my experiences that is actually manifesting more separation or allowing current separation to continue. Not so cool, because really within that all I am doing is really trying to stay out of shit or to preserve as sense of calmness within myself and my experiences. Not shaking things up because I fear others reprisal and don’t want to appear “uncool” or “not nice” or something like that. Where I am trying to remain within a good standing with people that I know. Where on the flip side I see how at one point I would go way to far within trying to get others to see it my way all the time but from there kind switched off and stopped expressing at all in a supportive way to myself and others because the response that I was getting was negative. So I again see that the point is not to jump from these polarity outflows of experiences but to just remain stable and express from that point of stability in which I am not looking to achieve something but not isolating myself away when the situation or interaction is “requiring” my expression flow from within a equal understanding and starting point with the other being no matter what MIGHT happen.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what others may react in when I speak from my current understanding in full and not leaving out points that may come across as a “attack” towards them. Realizing within myself that if I am speaking as a real expression of myself then I will be expressing from a point of concepts within the messages of equality and oneness regarding my experiences within that. And not from a point of pointing fingers or giving examples defending my position within a conversation, but rather common sense.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have this belief that I am not adequately able to express myself in this way without making mistakes and from there actually stopping myself from even attempting to do that. To make mistakes and to see them as a point of correction within my process can actually be a point of self support, yet only if I stop the patterns from repeating.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge other beings on who I see them to be within the current context of my relationships with them and judging them for what they are capable of handling and what they will not accept. And within that using that as a point of censoring myself as a point interest to hide myself away from conflict, but a conflict that is uncertain of taking place at all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold back from just opening up to people about where I am and what I am experiencing for myself as a point of support for myself and for others as I see that isolating away my expression is really not being honest with myself as I am not moving, not changing in such a way that is past the point of stopping things within myself, I have yet to actually take actions within my process of changing my behavior with the general public.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to fear exposing myself to others within this fear of what others MIGHT think about me for what I have allowed and accepted myself to become in the past, or even from the point of fearing how some might become angry about the changes that I am making now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to commit myself to a belief that other peoples reactions are important and pivotal to how I am able to conduct and express myself. Like for example I shouldn’t make people angry, or make them feel guilty, or make them feel sad. But not stopping to realize that if my expression is one with myself in equality then I am cannot blame myself if they are having a reaction to my words.

I commit myself to see that point and to practice that point by not censoring myself with certain people because I fear that I’ll bring up a reaction, and particularly a reaction that I will not enjoy for myself, realizing that in fact most likely when expressing myself from a stable starting point the reactions from others will mainly BE negative in nature. Not to let that pull me into a reaction to that reaction but to breathe within that moment bring myself back to that stability point and to proceed accordingly from there. Not from within the reaction of fearing the reactions.

I’ll end it there for tonight thanks for reading.

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