55. Trying to be perfect and not allowing myself to be who I am.

Today I would like to write about how I’ve noticed a point about myself in which I walk about trying to place myself within a expression of perfection. Within that I have noticed that within this attempt I am seeing and viewing myself within a character of failure in which I am constantly fighting within myself, trying to be something other then what I am in this moment. I am actually creating and building walls for myself in which to climb by not accepting myself as I am in this moment. Looking to be within this expression of expression so badly that I am living within a comparison of where I use to be and where I stand currently. And from that starting point I actually am sabotaging my experience from within before I even move myself, kind of like I am trying so hard to be something/someone other/better then myself in the moment that I am to afraid to actually take action within the moment. Which obviously only is reinforcing this system within myself. Another point of sitting on the merry go round all by myself looking at all the pretty lights and entertaining music. But not actually realizing that its time to stop the ride and direct myself back “home”, remembering how I got on this ride and walking myself backwards to/as a point of self support. In relation to how this fits in with my interactions with other beings I see that when I go to talk to other beings or rather even go out in the world this series of thoughts almost always interjects into my mind about how I will talk to people, how I must be, what I must say, how will I present myself to females, how can I look cool enough to be interacted with, etc. And from there I realize that I am not allowing myself to trust myself to be a expression of the moment within myself and that everything from that point on arises from within the context of a premeditated process of my mind. I fear the uncertainty of spontaneity, and from there never allow myself to express in spontaneity. I fear a negative result more then the “rewards” of just expressing myself as myself without regard to what may come of it. I mean it quite ridiculous because in fearing a result and never/rarely taking action nothing ever happens, and I am not ever putting myself into a position to grow or learn from my experiences. I’m not allowing myself to fail and in doing that I fail. SO the practical common sense thing to do here would be to stop worrying about every little lost opportunity that could come out some small point of interaction and actually just stand and breathe within that point and move myself into a position that I am not absolutely sure or comfortable about what may come out of it and do it anyways. Realizing that as a expression of equality and oneness there has to be willingness to walk myself out of and beyond world within my mind and to remember that for something to actually happen within my experience and for myself to become a living entity of a physical change within my expression I have to allowing to move myself through the physical reality. One step after another and walking soundly while knowing that this does not represent perfection of expression that it is the pathway towards perfection of self as integrity within expression.
And so as I have been walking this point for some time and that I seem to consistently fall back when placed into the world around me I once again forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not allowing myself to be open to the experience of just allowing myself to express to other beings from a point of standing as myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I have to base my expression from within a socially acceptable context, from in which I mean I do not just be a certain way because I would enjoy to but rather censor and hold myself back from doing something because I fear what may happen, and what people will take from that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to focus so intently on how I present myself that I bypass the point of just presenting myself to another being without think about it or how I should present myself. Not realizing that the problem is arising from within the point of seeing the opportunity to interact and allowing my mind to move within a decision of should I/how should I interact and not just doing it without thinking about it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place such a importance upon this point of wanting/learning to express myself to other beings that I miss the point where this expression is a expression of self and within a this desire for perfection of expression I am really only looking to others for a acceptance, and not accepting or trusting myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid particular situations and take the “safe” route within experiences by not interacting from a place of equality and oneness with another being, where I choose a path of least resistance every time avoiding this point of resistance within myself and reducing my interactions and expression to one of “cold” utility and impatience with others.

I commit myself to breathe within a point of self honesty in which I am confronted a point of moving through the mind and within that breathe direct myself to express from within that moment in equality with the moment what ever that may be and whatever the result may be.

I commit myself to stop fearing myself as a point of being spontaneous within my expression and actions so as to remain flexible with myself in which I can hold myself with integrity knowing that I am not acting or reacting rather from a point of preprogrammed mind constructed limitations.

When and as I see myself doubting this movement of self to stop the mind, breathe and apply forgiveness in that moment to not accept and allow that reality to continue any further, recognize it coming up and breathe through it not allowing to gain back a point of remediation within myself.

I commit myself move myself within a starting point of doing this as a point of self support and not from a point of ego gratification in which I am only looking to do this so I can look perfect in another beings eyes.

I commit myself to stop placing the importance within relationships with other beings especially females in which I depend on a particular reaction, result or scenario to take place before, within, and as a reason to interact or express myself as a point of enjoyment and self directive action.

Thanks that’s all for tonight.

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